Why Fans Should Suck It Up About Comic Book Movies

Recently, I came across an article from a conservative blogger about how he'd elected to never spend another dime on superhero films because Hollywood, at every turn, has completely raped his childhood and made the superheroes he grew up completely unbearable and he's not going to take it anymore.  Now, I'm acknowledging ahead of time that his blog post is mostly poorly argued and unresearched (which is the most I should probably expect from what is basically the Fox News version of my own blog), but his complaints are not uncommon among the fickle and sometimes downright hateful mob that is comic fandom. Granted, I understand why people would complain that studios are better off sticking closer to the source material. After all, NOBODY wants another Jonah Hex or X-Men: The Last Stand. Still, here a few things this guy....as well as a lot of fans....should consider.

1). Faithfulness to the source material does NOT always equate to a good movie. I mean, for a commendable project that packed tons of material into a two hour movie, Watchmen was such an imitation (despite some people having perfect bodies when they shouldn't, but....Hollywood) that it was practically hermetically sealed in its original comic packaging. And even still, it was met with mixed reviews among critics and fans. Tim Story's Fantastic Four was moderately close the comic (MODERATELY...except for Doctor Doom being a superpowered Donald Trump analog) and even that was considered mainly a failed attempt.

Green Lantern pretty much hit all the bullet points required of the Geoff Johns-ified version of Hal Jordan's (except for Movie Hal Jordan being a complete pussy) origin story and yet it still managed to be chastised as one of the worst comic movies of the past five years. Also, it eventually leads to fans complaining that they're not seeing anything they've never seen before. For years, Superman loyalists have whined and whined that we haven't seen anything out of those movies (until Man of Steel) that we've never seen before ("Really, Lex Luthor again???"). Now, I think that they're asking a LOT from Superman's list of villains, but they also have a point in the fact that remaining too close to what comic fans know doesn't do anything to add to the mythology of the hero in question. Taking an entire comic book and pasting onto the silver screen doesn't always lead to success. This leads to my next point......

2). New ideas from directors have been known to enhance comic book lore. When directors are allowed to toy with certain aspects of the source material, THAT is when innovation happens. People bitch and moan about X-Men all the time. Some people don't like Hugh Jackman's Wolverine because historically, Wolverine is a short, hairy guy who likes beer. This is entertaining enough for a comic book until you realize that if you translate that same description to a movie storyboard where you have cast a REAL actor, the person you're describing is Danny Devito.

I wasn't kidding. Giant smoke kraken.

Honestly, Green Lantern could have stood some outside innovation from Martin Campbell (except maybe not making Parallax out to be a former Green Lantern turned giant smoke kraken). General Zod was essentially a throwaway villain from an obscure issue of Adventure Comics until Richard Donner brought him to the forefront in Superman II. Furthermore, even though it was always canon that he was a small town kid, it wasn't really established that Clark Kent was raised on a farm in Kansas until Donner's movie placed Smallville in Kansas. Gotham City wasn't a perpetually gray, crime infested wasteland of art nouveau and towering gothic cathedrals until Tim Burton and Anton Furst designed it that way. More often than not, it takes a movie, something absorbed by the collective consciousness (comic nerds and casual moviegoers alike) to establish baseline characteristics for a superhero or their surroundings which simultaneously why Robert Downey Jr. IS Iron Man for the forseeable future and why DC could only benefit from making a Wonder Woman movie.

3). Once a comic becomes a movie, it's not exclusively yours anymore. You know who understands concepts like this? Children. When my friends and I played make believe Power Rangers, it was easy. There were commonly six of us and there were five Power Rangers (the Mighty Morphin days....Sweet Jesus, I'm old) so, except for the inevitable argument over who would be the Green Ranger, it was simple. Then, someone else would come along and want to play with us. Now, the likelihood of them wanting to be Zordon, the giant, omniscient floating head that told the Rangers to do shit was slim to none (although, in retrospect, when I put it that way, why the FUCK didn't I ever want to be Zordon), so they wanted to be a Ranger, too. Despite there only being six Rangers, there were, of course, more than six colors in the spectrum of colors, so fuck it. Little Amy can be the Violet Ranger and she can have a giant Velociraptor robot. Peace was maintained and playtime could continue.

The moral of that little story was that when other people want to be a part of what you're into, you have to share. In this day and age, movie adaptations are ideally the sign that a larger audience (Hollywood, non comic nerds, kids, whatever) wants to be in on what was once a very niche fiction of, at it's best, a million readers. Nerds (I'm guilty of this, too) have to understand that it's inevitable that when something becomes popular enough, corporate America will create a medium where it can be consumed by anyone. This happens with rap, spoken word, art house film-making, etc. Comic books aren't immune. The sad truth is that if Hollywood can fail us by keeping Channing Tatum in movies and allowing James Cameron to make Avatar sequels, it's not too farfetched that they would fuck up Ghost Rider and Elektra.

In summary....SUCK IT UP.

The Goddamn Batman Problem.....

So, I was catching up on New 52 Batman recently. As hard as I am on the reboot material coming out of DC for the past couple of years, I actually really enjoy Scott Snyder's work on Batman. He really has a penchant for Snyder-ising a lot of well-known aspects of the Bat-mythos and making them feel undiscovered. His "Court of Owls" story arc was particularly engaging while still exciting and fast paced. But there was one particular plot point that bothered me, though.

In his fight to defeat the Court of Owls conspiracy threatening to envelop Gotham from the inside, Batman had to exploit the weakness of their nigh-indestructable "talon" assassin agents (imagine ninjas who dress like owls) which has to do with extreme cold. Obviously, this led to the Bat-family having a brief run in with Mr. Freeze. While his driving motivation is still his beloved icicle of a wife, Nora, this retconned version of Victor Fries has actually never met Nora and is just a lonely man who became obsessed with her during his early days of researching cryogenics. Batman recounts this story to exploit as a weakness and, of course, beat Freeze. It was a decent, well-written story, but it also sheds light on my biggest problem with contemporary Batman.

The thing about Batman villains is a lot of the really good ones tend to have a sort of driving force that gives the reader a way to connect and, sometimes, sympathize with them. Granted, this isn't exclusively Batman territory, but Mister Freeze was definitely a character who, over the years, has been particularly popular because of his understandable motivations. Despite being released as a straight to video animated feature (probably because the "Batman and Robin" movie still had a stink on it so strong, it may have been mistaken for actual chemical warfare), SubZero was a very well received movie essentially about Supervillain John Q, a guy trying to save someone he loved and was willing to be an asshole to do it.

This was interesting, but not only because it adds depth to the bad guy. Ideally, it adds some layers to the good guy. Batman actually had to understand someone's motives outside of "because I'm an asshole, that's why." More often than not, during the time of "The Animated Series," Batman went out of his way to still try to save his foes when outside variables seemed to fall apart. By the time he met Animated Series Superman, this gave them something to have in common despite varying methods of getting the job done.

The whole point of the World's Greatest Detective is that he's smart and physically capable, but he's still just a man and, in his own way, serves as not only Gotham's protector, but its conscience as well. The Batman Problem comes when you do things like reduce Mister Freeze, a villain with depth, to a delusional dickhead who never had hugs as a kid just so Batman can look tougher and "above it all" when he beats his ass. In fact, if you look closely, he spends a lot more time outsmarting and looking tough in front of his own Justice League teammates than he does the bad guys You can even see it in the Dark Knight trilogy (although I loved those movies) where Batman's code about not killing holds up....until he kills someone (Ra's Al Ghul, Two Face, Talia). Even though it's awesome at times, the Problem is that Batman has gone from a badass Sherlock Holmes analog with a roguish attitude to the New Chuck Norris.


I would also like to point out that the same nerds who think Batman is awesome because he's seemingly all powerful, unbeatable and omniscient are the same nerds who chastise Superman for being seemingly all powerful, unbeatable and omniscient (in other words, Superman haters, your argument is invalid).

I could throw a digital rock out into the internet and hit millions of memes that all pretty much reduce Batman to Punch'emInTheFuckingFace Man. I was watching a commercial promoting the Arkham Origins video game and it was comprised primarily of Bruce Wayne growing up 1). scowling and 2). beating the unholy shit out of people until he became Batman scowling and beating the unholy shit out of people.

Don't get me wrong....it makes for some really fun action more often than not, but it also cheapens a character capable of so much more which is evident, by the way, in Long Halloween and Year One. Honestly, this is why I'm actually very excited about Superman's upcoming team-up with the Caped Crusader in Man of Steel 2: Superhero Boogaloo. This is a chance for one of Batman's peers (who is pretty much the epitome of superhero morality) to show him something about moral discernment, something we didn't see much of in the Dark Knight movies because Batman had to be portrayed as knowing better than everyone else even though he really didn't (seriously....WHY THE FUCK DID HE TAKE THE BLAME FOR COLD BLOODED MURDER????....They could have easily blamed all that shit on the Joker....I mean, they're lying either way, so.....).

Oh, and by the way.....I'm completely fine with Ben Affleck Batman. Fight among yourselves, internet.

In Defense of Darkman or....Superhero Movies Hollywood Could Learn Something From

With this year in superhero films wrapped up, Marvel ready to shove out their new batch and DC getting everyone's mouths watering with Arrow being a breakout success (despite mixed reviews from fanboys) their Flash television pilot, and of course the several rumors and announcements behind the casting of Man of Steel 2: The Steel Strikes Back, I thought I'd pull a few movies with cult success (despite questionable box office numbers) out of the vault and take a brief look at some of the lessons modern comic book cinema could take from them

Darkman: It sort of saddens me that we're quickly approaching (if we're not already in the midst of) a generation that will never know the glory that is Darkman. When you watch Sam Raimi's first jump into the superhero genre, it's actually a big insight into why he got tapped for the Spider-Man series in the first place. Even though, at first glance, it comes across as a teenager's ultraviolent fantasy, it's actually very indicative of what many comics were at the fringes of early comic culture: melodramatic pulp adventure. A psychotic, disfigured scientist returns from "death" to take revenge on the mobsters and crooked officials responsible? If Darkman had originated as a comic book hero, the story itself would have been more of a horror story than anything and Raimi has a far better understanding of the comic book genre than anyone gives him credit for. The movie made absolutely NO apologies for the fact that Peyton Westlake was more or less just a really demented guy who a). wanted his face back and b). wanted to kill a lot of people (basically what would happen if someone set Kanye West on fire).

Moral of the Story: The lesson that Current Hollywood can (and should but won't) take from this movie is that every superhero film doesn't have to be one of virtue because not every superhero is a virtuous one nor should they be. This is where the Punisher and Ghost Rider movies went wrong (well, they went wrong a LOT of places...Nic Cage being a notable one....but virtue was prime among their sins).


The Phantom: Now, here's a movie that holds a very special place in my heart while many others have forgotten about for understandable reasons. The 1989 Batman was something of a game changer for superhero movies. When Jack Nicholson's Joker uttered the line "Where does he get those wonderful toys?"....his reaction was one that turned out to mirror the audience's. I mean, for the time in which it was conceived, watching a hero swing onto rooftops, lob smoke bombs and evade the law in a tricked out car was pretty goddamned exciting. Then, you find yourself watching a period piece about hero you mainly only know from the comics section of your newspaper. So, needless to say, Lee Falk's jungle hero had the odds against him right out of the gate. He was an Indiana Jones-type hero at a time when moviegoers had decided they were pretty much over Indiana Jones.



Having said that, there's a lot to learn from The Phantom. First of all, there's Billy Zane's performance. With a period piece like this, it's importance not to take yourself too seriously. Zane went a different way than what would be expected from a story about a mythical hero who lives in a secret jungle surrounded by tree people who revere him as a living ghost protector. Let's face it...if you go dark and play the Phantom like a guy He dashed to and fro, punching and shooting with a wink, a smile and a "pardon me, ma'am" at every turn. We call this kind of shit "cheesy" and "hamfisted" nowadays, but it's also the sort of thing that makes us smile and induces a feeling of escape which is what we commonly go to the movies for in the first place.

One of the best "quiet as kept" scenes is when Phantom is chasing thugs who've kidnapped Kristy Swanson (By the way, Diana Palmer's awesomeness dwarfs pretty much EVERY incarnation of Lois Lane except maybe Amy Adams in Man of Steel), bumps into a woman by mistake, stops to pick up her purse like a gentleman and goes on to leap from car to car in traffic, steal a cop's horse, riding off in hot pursuit....LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.

Moral of the Story: The thing that should really translate well here for Current Hollywood is that every hero doesn't have to be edgy and dark. Granted, Ghost Rider really should be which is why that failed, but there's no reason modern day swashbucklers can't be fun.

The Rocketeer: For a movie that doesn't really get the credit it's due, maintaining a 63% rating on Rotten Tomatoes isn't exactly anything to sneeze at. Unfortunately, it suffered from the same societal epidemics as The Phantom where a). if a movie didn't open and sellout in every theater worldwide like Dark Knight or The Avengers recently, it's automatically dismissed as a failure (keep in mind that several failures have done very well in the box office in the same way as when you go home with the guy at the bar who seems to mean well only to wake up once you're sober and say "What the fuck was I thinking?"....I'm looking at you, Transformers 2 & 3) and b). was portraying a sort of bare bones "everyman" hero in the era of Batman.

In many ways, this was a movie that Hollywood, in fact, may just have learned something from for better or worse. I mean, honestly, Rocketeer was the epitome of a period-piece hero epic. A douchebag test pilot finds Howard Hughes experimental jet pack, battles "G-men", the mob, and Nazis all for the love of Jennifer Connelly's boobs? That pretty much sums up American propaganda heroes of the 1930's. For all intents and purposes, this was something of a blueprint that would later make the way for asshole superheroes like Robert Downey Jr.'s Iron Man. One of the big highlights from this movie that deserves consideration (aside from a delightfully fun Timothy Dalton villain) is the dialed back usage of special effects. Don't get me wrong; it's not like they tied Bill Campbell to a big rope the whole time and told him to holler in front of a house fan the whole time, but Peter Travers had it right when he referred to it's movie magic as "the kind that charms us, rather than bullying us, into suspending disbelief."

Moral of the Story: On one hand, when you have movies about gods with magic hammers, giant green beasts, asshole space cops with magic wishing rings and....well, Superman...it's hard for visuals NOT to be a contributing factor to their success. On the other hand, special effects don't have to subtract from the story's personality. Joss Whedon understands this pretty well. So does Rocketeer director Joe Johnston which is probably why Marvel ended up tapping him to direct Captain America, which, in addition to being a pretty damn good origin story, ended up being a terrific send up of old Republic serials.

The Art of Snapping or Maybe Cyclops WAS Right.....

I'm apologizing in advance because I have to talk about Ghostbusters II for a second. In Ghostbusters II, Bill Murray and company had to fight a demonic overlord trapped in a painting who was dumping slime into the sewers that turned all of New York into assholes who are awful to each other for no reason (though I'm still not sure how he did that from inside of a painting). Basically, he meant to take over the world by turning NYC in the center of all evil. In other words, Dallas. Watching this movie as a kid has clearly affected my state of mind now because it is my genuine belief that comment sections online are basically the focal point of all digital evil on the World Wide Web. Having said all that, sometimes, when I'm on the internet reading articles and I'm feeling very adventurous, I'll put on my hazmat suit and dive into random comment sections. Why, you ask? Because fuck it, that's why?

Anyway, one of the biggest criticisms I've read this year in comment sections and message boards is about the direction in which Marvel has taken Cyclops and it got me thinking about why. I mean, Marvel's whole thing is that their characters tend to live a little closer to the human condition of the everyman while a lot of DC characters tend to be more static archetypes. Even though Uncanny X-Men is, thus far, serving a purpose similar to Dark Avengers from a few years back during the "Dark Reign" event, Cyclops didn't " go bad" necessarily.

You're Scott Summers. You haven't looked anyone in the eye since you hit puberty. You've been raised by a kind, well-meaning man who wishes for peace between humans and mutants while training you to fight giant robot death machines since you were 15 years old. You're basically the quintessential All-American captain of the football team for mutantkind. As time goes on and you grow into an adult, people from the future you've been taught to fight for come to the present day and basically tell you that you eventually fail. You watch your wife (who is basically your high school sweetheart) silently fawn over your hairy, homicial teammate. That same wife died, came back to life as a world-swallowing space god, died and came back to life and died AGAIN. Eventually, the race of people you're sworn to protect are magically dwindled down to barely enough to reach full capacity at Chick-Fil-A. Now, you're an endangered species living an island that's pretty much a reservation. At some point, that same world swallowing space god possesses you and you convince yourself that you're righting your dead wife's wrong by healing the world. Then, it drives you power mad and you kill Charles Xavier, your only father figure, in cold blood and you're thrown in jail. Cyclops didn't "turn evil." He snapped. Plain and simple.

It's not even a new phenomenon in Marvel. Take the Ultimate Universe, for example. Early on in Ultimate Spider-Man, Nick Fury confessed to having a file on Peter Parker because with everything that had happened to him and his family over the years (father killed in a Hulk attack, father's best friend's son becomes Venom, Uncle Ben, Norman Osborn, etc.), he was the most likely to snap and become the next big supervillain. Of course, Ultimate Peter Parker didn't snap. In fact, he went on to die in the service of not snapping and being exactly the kind of guy Uncle Ben wanted him to be (although I can't help but wonder if that's because Black Fury also said "When you turn 18, you're mine"....turns out that guy's a lying piece of shit in EVERY dimension). Meanwhile, Ultimate Reed Richards had endured equally fucked up circumstances (piece of shit father, being responsible for unintentionally wiping out another dimension, turning his best friends into a monster, his girlfriend being an indecisive ass, Doom, etc.) and, while nobody was looking, turned into the next big supervillain, almost wiping out humanity at least twice. You don't necessarily like or forgive the character for it, but you get it.

The same thing applies for others like the Norman and Harry Osborn, whose Green Goblin incarnations are completely about regular people just plain losing it in the face of bad shit happening. Brian Michael Bendis' run on Daredevil, which has turned out to be one of the most definitive eras in DD history other than Frank Miller's, is entirely the story of what happens when Matt Murdock has pretty much the worst time of his life (unable to cope with his girlfriend's death, secret identity outed to the press, Bullseye's return, declaring himself Kingpin of Hell's Kitchen, disbarred and thrown in prison, etc.) and being utterly unable to cope with the black hole his life had become.

You see it in real life all the time. Kanye West's evolution is pretty much the best real-life example I can think of when I think about what a hero-to-villain transformation looks like, but that's a whole other post.

Have you ever known someone before a relationship and seen them AFTER a breakup? After the death of a loved one? Post-traumatic stress is more present in America than its probably ever been. Often times, soldiers come home from war changed by their experiences and understandably so. Their job is literally to get shot at so you don't have to. Now, compare that to "superheroism." People who get shot at and attacked by all kinds of unthinkable supervillain shit every single day are bound to be deeply affected and changed in the wake of what they've seen.

No, seriously....WHY hasn't Marvel made
these shirts? You're leaving money on the
table, Marvel.

Having a major character go through a major change like that isn't necessarily always a perversion of who he or she was meant to be. Sometimes, it's the next logical step. It's evolution. Sometimes, people just snap. Comic book characters shouldn't have to be immune.

Let's Talk About Doctor Who

David J. Anderson, one of my favorite readers, asked me a while ago about my take on Steven Moffat's run thus far on Doctor Who (particularly the season that just wrapped).....

WARNING: Even though they are minor and don't take very much away from the viewing experience, there are small Day of the Doctor spoilers in this piece. Just telling you. Don't say I didn't warn you. Okay. Here we go.

The thing about Doctor Who is that it's, at its best, what I like to refer to as "pure sci-fi" that exists in a sandbox so wide, the possibilities are hard to exhaust. I mean, let's face it...."all of space and time" is a pretty big playground for a writer/showrunner. Eventually, a series like that stops being a series and starts becoming a tradition, hallowed ground almost, a family business passed down from one generation to the next in the hopes that they'll continue in the practices that have allowed that legacy to thrive in the midst of changing time. Who is a bit weird in that regard because, for years, it's been a very niche kind of sci-fi geared toward a very hardcore sort of geek whose reverence for the show has fueled its success for 50 YEARS. There haven't been a lot of shows in ANY genre that can lay claim to such a thing....certainly not in its primary genre. Though the series itself was short-lived, Firefly has one of the most rabid fanbases I've ever seen and even that's fizzled out a bit. A fellow blogger referred to Doctor Who as the Flintstones of science fiction. To make such a comparison is to underestimate Doctor Who and to vastly overestimate the Flintstones. A cartoon like the Flintstones appealed to a much wider audience that eventually got tired of it until it was replaced by The Simpsons which has been pretty much replaced by Family Guy (hot wife married to lovable dummy).

Who dwarfs these shows with almost no effort because of a simple fact that Steven Moffat understands better than people think. Doctor Who is the type of show that is, on a good day, any genre you want it to be. It can be (and has been) a romance saga, a revenge tale, a period drama, a swashbuckler story, etc. When your main character is a lonely guy who can go anywhere and do anything within the whole of everything that is or ever was, there really isn't any scenario that's too farfetched. Grant Morrison could very well be hired to write a Doctor Who crossover with Batman or Vince Gilligan could team him up with Walter White and either of those would, ideally, be within the confines of good reason. I mean, can you think of a story in which "Time Traveling Sherlock Holmes" (because that's basically what the Doctor is) doesn't work?

With that said, Moffat understands the necessity of doing something with a 50 year old series to not only keep it fresh, but to widen its audience. And Steven Moffat has certainly widened the audience in a way that I, for one, have never seen out of this series in my time. I can't remember a single time before Moffat where I'd seen billboards, ads in comic books and on the sides of buses, toy commercials, worldwide simulcasting of its big anniversary special (which was absolutely lovely, by the way...Smith, Tennant and Hurt all had ridiculously great chemistry together...the result was more of a game changer than people think...and I didn't completely despise Not-Actually-Rose Tyler's appearance even though I completely despise Rose Tyler). I mean, Sweet Lord, Day of the Doctor even had a simulcasted post-show where people sit around talking about what they just saw a la The Walking Dead, a phenomenon I will NEVER understand if I live to be 100.

Honestly, I think the overall direction of the show and the kind of legend Moffat drives to remind us the Doctor is ("You decided the universe would be better off without you, but the universe didn't agree.") is actually reflective of the pop culture phenomenon Doctor Who has become. The reverence for his very name that oozes from the majority of characters' pores (even River Song...which is what became the problem with River Song) in most Moffat episodes isn't terribly different from the chill of excitement that comes over the growing fanbase at the first note of the theme song. I was at work and someone's phone rang, playing the Tennant era version and most of my coworkers grinned to themselves at the familiarity.

The other thing that I think some people don't quite see in Moffat's "Who" is that he's trying to keep it fresh by doing things that are haven't been done before (or at least in a while) with the stories. He likes making "that unsuspecting thing everyone has" into a dormant alien invasion like in The Bells of St. John, he has a thing for eerie sayings throughout the episode ("I don't know where I am"...."Can you help me?"...."Silence will fall") and he loves, loves, LOVES making the Companion and other supporting characters as important if not more important than the Doctor himself (Amy Pond, River Song, and certainly Clara). Last but not least, he recognizes that anything good, if it goes on long enough, starts basically being fan service. Moffat certainly demonstrates this in the 50th Anniversary with the callbacks (Tom Baker..."I don't want to go"...."timey wimey").

Overall, even though I will always hold a very special place in my heart for Russell T. Davies....mainly because his run gave us Martha Jones....I think Moffat is doing a fine job carrying the burden he's been given of being a geek messiah and a geek antichrist all at once. And who's to say it won't undergo another massive change in status quo as time goes on? After all, as I mentioned, the great thing about Doctor Who is that no matter what level of geek you are or how science fiction-y you like your science fiction, it always stands a very good chance of being exactly the sort of story you like. And in addition to being a huge part of what makes the Doctor such a compelling character (no matter who's playing him), it's also what's made for 50 years of television worth watching.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 33 or I'd Rather Be Trapped Underwater With Evil Mermaids Than Kris Jenner

Harley Quinn #0: Harley Quinn has enjoyed a reasonable amount of time in the spotlight since the "New 52" reboot even if the titles she's featured in have had somewhat mixed reviews. It was only a matter of time before DC took a crack at a solo title. This was a tough book to review because, honestly, at first read, you're not entirely sure what kind of book it's supposed to be. Commonly a zero issue for any book serves as either a prequel for the first story arc or one shot primer to give you a taste of what to expect from a series as far as tone and art. Jimmy Palmotti and Amanda Conner take a slightly different tact.

By "slightly different tact", I mean, they seemed to make the Clown Princess of Crime....into Deadpool. For the most part Harley spends most of her time breaking the fourth wall interacting with the writers in a daydream about what it would be like to have her own comic book. She travels from one page to the next auditioning a Who's Who of artists to see whose style would best suit her. I found a few of the jokes funny but mainly because I'm familiar with most of the artists. The overabundance of inside jokes doesn't make this terribly accessible for incoming readers and the uninitiated. Despite this, it still makes for a mainly entertaining farce.

The artwork, given that it's a pretty star studded cast working on each page is pretty "alphabet soup" but mostly awesome. My particular favorites are Dan Panosian and Charlie Adlard. I was really looking forward to Jim Lee's page but that ended up being a bit of a bubble burst since he just rehashed a page from Hush. Also included is a page from fan contest winner Jeremy Roberts. Although "Draw Harley Quinn killing herself" contest was easily one of DC's dumbest ideas all year, Roberts can draw his ass off. I'd be very excited to see him on this book on a regular basis. Still, Chad Hardin, who illustrates the final page, does a pretty good job of capturing Harley's brand of crazy and I'll be looking forward to seeing what he has to offer.

Bottom Line: Not much plot but it's still fun and well rendered enough that it's a fun little primer for the series. 7.5 out of 10.



The Wake #5: Well, we've reached the halfway mark of what could quite possibly be the "holy shit" survival horror series of the year and it has been quite a story thus far. Quiet as kept, this has been one of the most consistently entertaining and good looking books in the business right now. Scott Snyder's taut tale of Dr. Lee Archer's crew and their fight to survive evil mermaid creatures at the bottom of the ocean has been an utterly compelling thrill ride that EVERYONE should be reading. Having said that, with this issue, Snyder wants you to know that the story begins now. Did you hear what I just said? A claustrophobic, horrifying tale about evil mermaids in the darkest parts of the sea....and Snyder is just getting started?

This issue deals largely with the revelation of what these monsters are, what they want and Dr. Archer's connection to them. The action beats are really well thought out and make for pretty good adventuring, but Snyder is at his best, as usual, during the claustrophobic moments when you feel trapped in dark corners with these poor bastards down below. It's almost as scary as being Kris and Bruce Jenner being trapped with each other's ever changing faces, not knowing what they're going to wake up to the next morning. Almost. Of course, Snyder can't take all the credit for the creepiest part of this book. There's also Sean Murphy's pencils, which capture some utterly maudlin moments like one character alone in the darkness with nothing but the light from a video screen.

Bottom Line: If you're not reading this book already, start. Start now. Immediately. Stop reading this blog, turn off the television, get dressed, tell your girlfriend you'll be right back and go get the past five issues of The Wake. Do it. Do it now. It's your homework assignment. It's your one job right now. Seriously. 9.5 out of 10.

Graduation Speech at the Xavier School for the Gifted.....

Congratulations, Class of 2013. Your being here this morning marks a momentous occasion. You have all not only learned a unique mastery over your gifts, but you've also demonstrated a willingness to harness those gifts in the interest of bettering society once you venture out into the world instead of being a complete tool like SOMEONE who will not be named...**cough** Erik **cough**. Anyway, your walk across this stage means that I have nothing left to teach you.

It also means you didn't die. Because, whew....could THAT have ever happened? I mean, giant robot death machines? I was trying not to freak anybody out but HOOOOOLLLLLYYYY SHIT we almost died fighting those things! And the Legacy Virus? Fuck, man.....talk about "not enough Thera-Flu in the world," huh?

Little joke there....really?...nothing? Okay, okay, too soon.

Moving on. We here at the Xavier Institute are 100% confident that we have thoroughly prepared you for the challenges you'll face out there in the real world. And make no mistakes, my fellow mutants, there WILL certainly be challenges. Like bigots who will hate you before ever actually meeting you because of your differences. And the future. Seriously, guys, the future will try to kill you. A lot. All the time. But persevere, hold your head high in the face of adversity and don't EVER give the future your credit card number. Trust me on that one. Oh my God, if I ever get my hands on that little...ahem...sorry. Got a little carried away there.

In closing, the Institute is honored to have been a part of your education and, ultimately, your lives. The bonds you've built, the fears you've conquered, the lessons you've learned....carry them with you always. Hold them close to your heart. Time flies quickly and you'll miss these days when they're gone. And remember: Humans good. We like humans. No vaporizing. Maybe a little mind wipe here and there, but no vaporizing. Please don't turn into a mutant overlord despot. Please. I can't stress that enough. I can't deal with more interviews with Fox News like last time. Honestly, that Sean Hannity guy. I don't see how he sleeps at night. Bottom line: No evil mutant shit.

My friends, my students, my fellow children of the atom....it is my honor, my privilege, my pleasure to welcome you to the first day of the rest of your lives. Also, the beginning of paying off your student loans. Because the government doesn't pay for this shit. Bear in mind, rocketships under the basketball court don't grow on trees.

Now, who wants a diploma!!!

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 32 or I Wonder If Alfred Got in On Obamacare....

Why do they look like contestants on
that old arcade game Smash TV?

All New X-Men #18: One of the prevailing subplots of Avengers Vs. X-Men was that the Avengers hadn't been around much while the mutant community was going through pretty dire straits facing extinction. Cyclops told Captain America that he always felt the X-Men were treated as the Avengers' redheaded stepchildren. It sort of seems like this is how Marvel treats them as well. I mean, let's face it....the X-Universe hasn't had a good crossover event since A vs. X and even that was touch and go for a minute there. Marvel doesn't know how to create constructive conflict between heroes without making one party into the one dimensional douchebag villain like the Tony Stark in Civil War. Hell, do what Toronto Mayor Rob Ford does and blame the media and the police. It would shake things up, at least. Battle of the Atom was decent but also underwhelming and anti-climatic in its own way, basically summing up what we already knew: There will always be humans who make life suck for mutants and it's going to make some mutants into bitter old mutants one day.

Fortunately, it gave us some decent fallout consequences. Brian Michael Bendis picks up the pieces left behind from all of the event's time travel shenanigans in the latest installment of All New X-Men. The issue deals mainly with Kitty Pryde and the "Original" team's transition in going to live at the New Xavier School with Cyclops and the Asshole Squad. Bendis does very well handling "in between" issues like this where some characters are put in a room with someone they wouldn't normally interact with under normal circumstances. Kitty and Magik's reunion is hilarious and somewhat touching if you know the history both characters share. Young Jean Grey's scene with the Stepford Cuckoos is priceless. Bendis has made the Once and Future Phoenix an interesting character again which is a feat I didn't think would ever be possible. Most writers had a tendency to deal with Jean in a very "time bomb" fashion which is cool but predictable. You know it's coming so it loses its "Holy Shit" factor. Bendis takes time to deal with her aggravation as a person and how that can spill over into her life as a blossoming mutant hero who keeps being told that she's headed for great and terrifying things.

Stuart Immonen's artwork is a welcome mainstay to the book's status quo. His love for expressing shift in tone through simple changes in shading is in rare form during a couple of pages of an exchange between Magneto and Young Beast. I also personally like how he draws Cyclops as opposed to the artsy version we've been getting in Uncanny X-Men where he looks less heroic and more like a slim Seth Rogen.

Bottom Line: A good book following up another lackluster X-event. 8 out of 10



Batman #25: It's hard to deny Scott Snyder has been winning with Zero Year, a "New 52" look at the beginning of the Caped Crusader. We're seeing a swashbuckler side of Batman we don't get to see very often that almost literally laughs in the face of danger, tells villain's they're and flies by the seat of his pants at moments. I would never have expected to hear Batman tell a bad guy he's "so full of shit." This issue mainly takes place during the aftermath of a massive blackout compliments of the Riddler.

However this installment in particular doesn't deal much with Edward Nygma. The central villain this time out is the (let me emphasize this) FUCKING CREEPY Dr. Death, whose horror themed killing spree is every bit as unsettling as his...well...face. Seriously, these are a couple of the eeriest looking crime scenes I've seen in a Batman book in some time. Snyder handles the detective stuff well without getting bogged down in it and also keeping the more action oriented readers engaged. After all.... Sherlock Holmes + swashbuckling = Batman. This series has been really good for tender moments between Bruce and Alfred. While Batman is having the time of his life trying out new gadgets and dodging the cops with ease, you can visibly see instances when Alfred is thinking "Goddamnit, what did I sign up for?"

The hues implemented in the artwork are simply amazing. It's nice to see a Batman book that can maintain a dark vibe while still not being afraid of splashing some color in here and there. Greg Capullo has a flair for the macabre and loves making his reader a little uncomfortable as is evident in Dr. Death's full reveal at the end. Also, his Batmobile design brings a wonderfully old school adventure feel to the beginning of the issue that made me laugh of sort delightful laugh that makes people think something might really be wrong with you in public.

Bottom Line: Scott Snyder can't lose. He's got Batman down almost to a science. 9 out of 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 31 or Superman Shouldn't Be Stealing Supergirl's Poses

Superman/Batman #5: If this weren't a DC Comics "New 52" title, I'd actually be able to feign shock at the fact that this book went from "good" to "sucks" in the time it takes (enter obligatory Rob Ford crack binge joke here). Greg Pak and Jae Lee opened this story up so strong with a story arc that had everything from body snatching trickster demons and time travel to magic world-ending crystals and Lois Lane firing sidewinder missiles at Wonder Woman. Granted, it got a little convoluted for a minute, but it was mostly a strong story. Now, Pak has teamed up with Brett Booth for a whole new storyline that....well...umm...just

isn't up to par.

The second thing you notice (I'll get to the first thing later) is that this story picks up where the Caped Crusader and the Man of Steel have now been working together for 5 or 6 years which is odd considering the book just wrapped up a story revolving around them meeting for the first time. It's off-putting and makes the whole thing feels rushed in an effort to get the timeline up to speed with the rest of "New 52" continuity. The duo encounters Hiro Nakamura (Toyman...except renamed Toymaster) in the midst of an "evil video game" caper. I'm not kidding. This issue is about an evil video game. Let that sink in. Now, that its sunk in, amazingly enough, THAT'S not the biggest issue with this book.

One of the main attractions of this series has always been the internal narrative that depicts how Superman and Batman respond to one another's crimefighting methods and logic. That's still here in this incarnation except the banter between them feels like bickering teenagers. If there'd been no action beats throughout the issue, it would have read like an episode of Pretty Little Liars. Superman actually admitted he was "trolling" Batman. Look, I understand that DC's been trying to make a more modern Clark Kent by making him a mild-mannered blogger who dresses slightly hipsterish, but Superman, the moral standard for all other heroes, should not be saying shit like "trolling." He's not supposed to completely feel like one of us when he's in the uniform. He's supposed to be the guy that people strive to be like. I shouldn't open a comic with Superman in it and feel like I'm going to see him texting Wonder Woman with an "LMAO."

As for the art, it could be that I'm still on a Jae Lee high from the last issue, but Brett Booth's renderings of people seemed unsteady and awkward. There was a eyesore of a panel where Superman, while flying, seemed to be posing as if he were laying on the beach auditioning to be America's Next Top Model. Just because Rob Liefeld is still getting work does NOT mean we're supposed to be emulating him. The next time you see Brett Booth on the street, take this issue and rub his nose in it like you're paper training your german shepherd.

Oh, and the way the cover is depicted above? That isn't a mistake. That is the very first thing you notice that's wrong with this book. You have to turn the entire thing sideways because it's done in "widescreen" format. I don't understand how this was supposed to enhance the experience....but it didn't. This is a fundamental example of DC getting something wrong just for shits and giggles. This is also why regular books (which have been around for centuries) are not turned on the sides to read. It's not fun, it's not convenient. It's a pain in the ass. It's just another drop in the bucket of annoying things about this book. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Bottom Line: If you really want to get your Christmas shopping out of the way right now and you don't feel like buying anymore Snuggies for your in-laws....here's your stocking stuffer. 4 out of 10.


Amazing X-Men #1: Okay, we're officially getting to the point where there are too many goddamned X-Men titles running again. Every few years, some event or another is used as an opportunity to streamline the X-universe to a couple of strong titles that intertwine here and there. Then, three months later, X-Men books start coming out of the pipeline like running water until you go to the comic shop each week, saying...."Wait, there's another one? How long has that one been out?" If the X-Men were real employees of Marvel, Cyclops and Wolverine would be locked underneath the building hand sewing Avengers beanies for 75 cents an hour. However, this book show some promise. It seems to have the right things going for it: Jason Aaron, Ed McGuiness and the return of Nightcrawler. That was enough to get me interested.

The story starts out focusing on Nightcrawler's life after death, pining away for the good old days even in Heaven (the little we see of it looks gorgeous, by the way). Meanwhile, back at the Jean Grey school, Aaron sweeps the cobwebs off of Firestar, whose starting her first day as an instructor. There's not much different in the format in this book and that of Wolverine and the X-Men. There's a big focus on the hilarious dysfunction of the mutant school whose security system spins a little more out of Beast's control everyday, it seems. The lighthearted yet fantastic aspect really seems to work well for Aaron. The character interactions are hilarious while, at times, a little unsettling. I'll never quite get used to the thought of Wolverine and Storm flirting. My flesh crawled a little bit just writing that last sentence. Firestar, however, seems a little out of place for this team, but I'm willing to go along with it for now. Nightcrawler, on the other hand, is as fun to read as ever and the character seems to be having as much fun adventuring as the reader does watching it play out.

Ed McGuiness' art does a great job of capitalizing on Aaron's exaggerated, silly style. There's an attention to detail on every panel that's so gorgeous, it makes me think that McGuinness might be a robot (Robot Ed McGuiness might have made Prometheus watchable). The two best looking moments come when 1). Nightcrawler gets his swashbuckling, pirate fighting groove back and 2). when Beast swears deadly vengeance on the little "bamf" creatures that have relieved him of his beloved coffee-maker.

Bottom Line: It's funny, it's smart and GODDAMN, it looks great. I'm in. Oh...and thanks for bringing Nightcrawler back. Shit was getting somber for a minute there. 8 out of 10

A Brief, Random Meditation on Clones....

The other day, I found myself with a huge workload on my plate at the day job that made me wish I had the ability to produce clones. I recalled how I'd heard many people wish there were more of them so they could be in several places at once. I mean, Hollywood kind of romanticizes the idea of clones/doubles, but every now and then, even THAT gets creepy. I mean, we all saw the Prestige. If clones didn't end well for Wolverine, they probably won't end well for anyone else.



Does anyone really want another "you" hanging around? Think about yourself for a second. I mean, really take a look in the proverbial mirror. You like yourself. In fact, you LOVE yourself and that's a good thing. We should all love ourselves. But because of this fact, we note and overlook our flaws. After all, "it's ME and I can live with me." Yes, you can. Until you actually have to live with you. Having said all that, the more I think about it, I really don't see how I or, ultimately, the world would benefit from making anymore of me. I can see it now.

Clone: Hey.

Me: Hey.

Clone: You read the blog today?

Me: It so happens I did slightly better than reading my blog. I, in fact, wrote my blog.

Clone: Yeah, about that....refresh the page.

Me: All right...wait...what is this?

Clone: I rewrote it a little.

Me: Why?

Clone: Well, first I had some ideas for a better joke in the second paragraph. Then, the only way the joke was going to make sense was if I changed the first paragraph. Then, I thought of a whole different....

Me: In other words, you rewrote it a lot.

Clone: That's one way to look at it.

Me: As opposed to....?

Clone: Since I'm you...maybe it's turns out you're a lot funnier than you thought you were.

Me: And a little more a dick than I thought I was, too.

Clone: See? Self-discovery! Silver lining.

Me: How did you even log in to my account?

Clone: Well, I know the password....

Me: ....because you're me. I get it. You don't have to do the "Because I'm Batman" face, you smug fuck.


The other primary problem with me having a clone would, in all likelihood, be our inevitable butting of heads over my private life.

Clone: So I've been thinking.

Me: About?

Clone: About what it would take to pull off a convincing "you."

Me: Okay....?

Clone: I think I have what it takes.

Me: I can't imagine why.

Clone: I'm just saying...I've been reading about method acting and really becoming a character.

Me: If I'd bought you in a store, I swear to God I'd be checking the receipt.

Clone: What?

Me: You don't have to get into being me. You ARE me.

Clone: No, hear me out. If I were to, for example, maybe spend an evening interacting with someone you know....

Me: Oh, for fuck's sake....dude, we talked about this.

Clone: What?

Me: You want to be alone with my girlfriend.

Clone: Did I say that? I never said that.

Me: You've been pulling this shit all week.

Clone: That's not true.

Me: Last night....

Clone: ....was taken completely out of context. I made an honest mistake. I thought someone left the shower running and I just went to turn it off.

Me: WHO LEAVES THE SHOWER RUNNING FOR NO REASON???

Clone: Well...okay, I don't have a counter for that.

Me: I'm going to punch you in the face now.

Clone: You know, the argument could be made that this makes you kind of insecure.

Me: Is that right?

Clone: Think about it. You're worried about you stealing your own girlfriend.

Me: I'm not worried. Creeped out a little? Maybe.

Clone: I think you might have some unresolved issues we could....OW! OW! STOP HITTING YOURSELF, GODDAMMIT!!!!

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 30 or I Secretly Judge People Who Don't Read Saga....

Damian, Son of Batman #1: Just because a character is dead...and I mean dead as disco...doesn't mean DC can't and won't still make money off of them. After all, if something's related to Batman, Dan Didio will gladly put on a Super Mario costume and step on its head until coins spring forth from its flattened carcass. Therefore, it's only logical that we wouldn't have to wait long to get what is basically a "What If?" miniseries about what Bruce Wayne's problem child could have been. However, as a huge fan of this particular boy wonder, I was happy to give this one a shot.

What's curious is that Andy Kubert's series seems to overlook or forget a lot of what Grant Morrison offered us as far as Damian Wayne's development over the years. We don't get the Damian that went out in a blaze of glory against his mother's Leviathan syndicate in Batman Inc. We don't even get the (kinda) endearing scamp that antagonized Dick Grayson Batman in the early runs of Batman and Robin. Make no mistake this is a late teen version of the murderous douchebag kid we first met in Morrison's "Batman and Son." However, considering Kubert had been developing this years ago, it's not unforgivable that there would be some chronological inconsistencies. In the wake of Batman's death (which measured up to be less than a footnote), Damian starts down a path to avenge the caped crusader which is hinted to be his first step in assuming the mantle himself. But it's unclear whether this is the road to the version of Damian we saw in Batman #666....which is maybe the scariest Batman of all fucking time. Much of the narration is given via his electronic journal which, though understandable for a character attempting to follow in his father's detective footsteps, seems out of place since he does a lot of emoting. While I love watching a vengeful Robin going on a beserker tear through the Gotham underworld, I did find it difficult to connect to Damian. I mean, it's one thing for a little kid Robin to go around murdering and mouthing off to grownups when you know he becomes less of a dick in later issues, but being the same jackass he was then makes this guy sort of unlikeable.

Kubert's artwork, however, offers something to look forward to here, though. Despite Batman's pre-New 52 costume design (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), his sometimes overwhelming, seedy environments are just lovely. Some readers might miss the creepier, occult-ish touch from the pages of Batman Inc., but the character depictions are mainly compelling to look at.

Bottom Line: If you need a break from New 52 continuity and like watching Damian Wayne beat the shit out of bad guys for a bit, this might be worth a look. Not quite epic, but an okay read. 7 out of 10.

Saga #15: When you're a reviewer, there's actually such a thing as a comic book being "too good." I haven't reviewed Saga in a while because, honestly, it's a lot like being a weatherman in Houston during the summer. "Today's Forecast: It's still hot. See you guys in November." It's still going strong. It's still the best book in comics right now. Brian K. Vaughn and Fiona Staples still don't hesitate to push the envelope. It'd be hard to argue that the sheer effort and love that obviously goes into every page of this book, makes it, by leaps and bounds, the Game of Thrones of comics right now. If your book isn't this good, you probably shouldn't be doing it. I have a coworker who....I shit you not....bought copies of the first graphic novel volume and just randomly handed them out to his friends to get them started on the series. Some are comic book readers and some of them are not. They are ALL now hooked. That's what a good comic does.

This issue sees our outlaw lovers, Marko and Alana, giving some serious thought to their future and that of their baby, Hazel. We get some more juicy insight into Alana's Meanwhile, The Will finally makes a decision about what he's going to do with himself in the wake of a profound personal loss while yet again suffering a case of "wrong place/planet/solar system/galaxy, wrong time." One of the things that makes this series so profoundly compelling is the perfect medium it finds between dazzling sci-fi lore and relateable plotting. Sure, there are elements of alien culture and sword/sorcery and ogres with disturbingly large nether parts, but you have characters that you feel as though you've met before. You've known a woman like Alana who, while being fierce in her resolve to protect her baby, is NOT the person you would have thought would be a mother one day. Most people have had a friend like Marko, who just wants to be a good boyfriend/husband, but sometimes you get the sneaking suspicion his girlfriend/wife might be crazy. I've had eccentric, unconventional yet brilliant teachers like Oswald. And we've all known comfortably fanatical, self righteous douchebags like the TV Robot Head people Prince Robot and Countess Robot X. I've dated several. You know these people enough that you almost yell out "Oh, come on, man!" and "Lady's got a point, dude" as you're reading.

Fiona Staples artwork is so consistently incredible, it's almost aggravating to not have anything bad to say at all about it.  Her characters' movements always look like they have actual personality and purpose, rarely just posing for the panel's sake. The settings seem alive at all times as opposed to just serving as backdrops. She knows exactly where her characters are in the scenes at all times. It's awe inspiring to gaze upon the work of an artist whose process is clearly a well oiled machine of a creative process.

Bottom Line: Beautiful drawn, nuanced characters that....Wait, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU STILL WAITING ON ME TO SAY THIS BOOK IS GOOD?! HURRY UP AND BUY THIS SHIT!!! 9.5 OUT OF 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 29 or It Was Inevitable That Sheldon Cooper Would Become A Comic Character....

Superior Spider Man #19: Despite my numerous declarations that Superior Spider-Man sucks, I have to hand it to Dan Slott. The past few issues have been particularly awesome. The best thing Slott could do with this book is take a break from focusing on Doctor Spiderpus' champion level douchebaggery and do something heroic. The second best thing he could have done was resurrect Michael O'Mara, the 2099 Spider-Man for a good old showdown.

Having said that, it wasn't much of a showdown. In fact, you would think these two would have had much more to talk about even if it was in the middle of all time and space becoming unraveled (or whatever the actual conflict was in this story). Also, being from the future, why doesn't Future Spider-Man know that Peter Parker isn't really Peter Parker if all of this has already happened? In fact, the whole resolution to this time crisis seemed a bit anti-climatic, essentially giving Doctor Octopus another stage where he can call everyone inferior. The spiel has gone from Spider-Man being a weird mix of Batman and Sheldon Cooper to just outright being Doctor Doom in a different outfit. There are a couple of scenes where Spider-Man declares his unrivaled intellect and it just leaves you groaning "Oh, for fuck's sake, man." The great thing about Spider-Man has always been that he's semi-relatable and, despite him being a flawed character, you could see yourself having a beer with the guy. If you knew someone like Doctor Spiderpus in real life, you'd have pushed him down a flight of stairs or eaten the lo mein he kept in the fridge at work. I understand that Tony Stark and Spider Jerusalem prove there's a market for charming, douchebag do-gooders, but I don't see the point in reading about an unlovable hero whose day-saving seems completely incidental compared to him "bwahaha"ing all over the place.

Ryan Stegman's artwork is definitely something to marvel at (no pun intended). Although his rendering of "chronotons" screwing up time and space (I guess that's what was happening) make some of the panels feel a bit claustrophobic unnecessarily, he has a style that's just perfect for the 2099 environment. It actually makes you feel like maybe there could be an opportunity here to resurrect the old Spider-Man 2099. This story arc has been impressive and it could ended that way if Slott hadn't seen fit to cop out and once again leave the moral of the story being "Because I'm Spider-Man, bitch."

Bottom Line: I honestly thought there were enough unlovable jackasses on The Walking Dead that we didn't need to read about one in a Spider-Man comic. Sadly, I was mistaken. 7 out of 10.

Avengers #21: It's a fortunate thing that the Infinity event is coming closer to its end because there's only so many ways I can say "Goddamn, this is good shit!" Jonathan Hickman very clearly has a great appreciation for the sandbox of a universe he's been given to play in and it radiates off of every page whether it's a victory for the villains or a loss for the heroes.

This issue mainly deals with the aftermath of Thor's bold stand against the Builders and the liberation of Hala, the Kree homeworld. There are definitely things to like about how Hickman has handled this. For one thing, despite the fact that it's usually enjoyable to see the reverence alien civilizations show towards Captain America, I found it a nice change a page to focus on a character whose general opinion was "You know, that was kind of a dick move." Another great thing about this issue is the return of Captain Universe to the battlefield in a semi spectacular fashion. Some people don't like that there wasn't much of the actual Avengers in this issue, but I actually appreciate that. A theme that Infinity highlights well is that Earth and, by extension, the Avengers are not the center of the universe and when they are, it's usually not in a good way (this means you, Kanye West). There are characters in the galactic Marvel U who believe that Earth is the Wild West of space and will eventually lead to the whole of creation being wiped out probably by accident and that deserves some exploration, too. Also, there are too many non-Avengers that play a role in this story to not highlight them.

To the surprise of absolutely NOBODY, Lenil Francis Yu's artwork hits all the right marks here. The real treat here was the scene in which (minor spoiler...sorry) the Alliance lets loose the Annihilation Wave... goddamned Annihilation Wave upon an almost victorious Builder fleet.  You have to appreciate Yu's penchant for crafting a good "holy shit" moment.

Bottom Line: If you want an Avenger focused book, it might feel out of place, but this is still really good sci-fi storytelling. 8 out of 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 28 or Maybe DC Will Give Kanye and Kim A Comic.....

Batman #24: As much as I disliked the idea of yet another origin story for Batman (as if there haven't been plenty already), Scott Snyder has managed to breathe new life into the Dark Knight's beginnings, giving us a much different Bruce Wayne than we're used to. Over the years, we've grown used to a young man who wasn't terribly youthful in the wake of his parents' death. Zero Year gives us an brash, impulsive hero who is far less premeditated than the once we've come to know. What Daniel Craig and Casino Royale did for the James Bond mythos is what Snyder has done for Batman here.

This issue (mostly) wraps up the threads of the first story arc that has been mainly dedicated to Batman's one man war against the Red Hood Gang. Some reviewers haven't liked Red Hood One as an opening foil for young Batman, but I think he's created the perfect dichotomy for the kind of reimagined origins Snyder wants to convey. A villain who seems to have the entire city under control through merciless resolve and meticulous plotting is the perfect challenge for a young, headstrong vigilante fighting like he has nothing to lose. At the same time, we also see Bruce learning the importance of creating a larger than life legend around his alter ego, something for cowardly and superstitious criminals to remember in the years to come.

Greg Capullo's pencils and Danny Miki's inking do not disappoint. Here we see a Gotham that resembles a flourishing city built on old money that hasn't quite had the chance to descend into madness just yet. The action scenes do a masterful job of lending themselves to the beginnings of a character creating a myth around himself. In the final ten pages, we also see a changing of the artistic guard with Rafael Albuquerque taking the helm on pencils, delivering a drastic but logical visual shift. The eerie, shady tones suit the change in narrative since we see a Gotham whose innocence is lost. In the birth of the Batman legend and the revelation of the necessity for Batman, there's no turning back for the people of the city. It's still a bit of a mystery what the end game of Zero Year is, but if we get more of what we've gotten so far, I'm in.

Bottom Line: A kinetic, exciting finish to an immensely fun story arc. 9 out of 10.

Infinity #4: We're past the halfway point of Marvel's big crossover and here in the fourth issue (of six), we finally see a turning point of sorts for our heroes. After four issues of the Avengers, the Galactic Council and Black Bolt barely holding their own against the seemingly insurmountable Builders and the mad titan Thanos, surviving through Trojan Horse scenarios and retreats, it's a welcome change of pace to see them (two characters in particular) making definitive stands, drawing lines in the proverbial sand in the fight for Earth. We also finally get a brief insight into the motivations behind the Builders' campaign through the universe. It's not quite as satisfying as what we've come to expect from Jonathan Hickman, but it serves as a decent enough explanation to keep us reading until their goals (I'm assuming) unify with those of Thanos. Also, without spoiling anything for you, this week in awesome.....Thor. I'm just going to leave that there. This issue does a much better job in offering a more comprehensive chapter that doesn't seem to need tie-ins as a supplement. HOWEVER, as I've said before, if you're not reading the corresponding issues of Avengers and New Avengers, you are missing out on some quality goddamned superheroing. After the revealed fallout of Black Bolt's actions in issue three, it's going to be interesting to see a). where New Avengers goes from here and b). the ramifications throughout the Marvel Universe as a whole.

The artwork here is still as strong as it's been throughout the series. Dustin Weaver and Jerome Opena are still delivering quality work on their respective fronts (Opena does the scenes in space while Weaver handles those that take place on Earth). Although the scenes in the hidden Inhuman city are gorgeous, the real standout treat here is how Opena depicts Thor's defining moment so far in the event. If your jaw isn't on the floor when you see one of the final pages, you don't love comics.

Bottom Line: The respective threats on Earth and in space shouldn't feel so divorced this late in the game, but still....Jonathan Goddamn Hickman strikes again. 8.5 out of 10

Superman/Wonder Woman #1: Superman and Wonder Woman being a power couple in the DC Universe is one of the most half-assed, unnecessary publicity stunts DC has ever pulled. And considering the fact that they've completely rebooted their universe at least three times now, that's saying something. There's no real point because, from what I can tell, NOBODY cares. I dare you to name three people you know that bought the issue of Justice League specifically because they heard the news that these two heroes were going to hook up. DC has gone from assuming that all of their readers are perverted 40 year old men to assuming that they're all tweens who read the Vampire Diaries.

So, of course, in the fallout of their biggest non-event, they have to squeeze a spinoff out of it the way television does everytime a Kardashian does something (or someone) else nobody cares about. Sure, there's a handful of action involving a villain that hasn't done anything of real mention since the 90s, but you have to first sit through Wonder Woman having girl talk about what a wet blanket Superman is and Clark Kent playing Bloggerman. Then, there's Clark and Diana having a date. The prevailing problem here is obvious. There is NO CHEMISTRY between these two to speak of. Their date even feels like two celebrities having lunch together as a publicity stunt very much like Kim Kardashian's month long marriage. Charles Soule is great with character development and building the contrasts between the two of them, but the whole thing is so clearly a force-fed stunt for visibility, Ryan Seacrest may as well be standing off in the distance on a red carpet asking them who they're wearing.

On the plus side, artist Tony Daniel's work looks fantastic. With the sort of costume he wears, the color palette and the size of him, Superman tends to dominate the panels they share, but Daniel draws a damn good looking Wonder Woman who occupies the happy medium between warrior and royalty. He manages to make her look like Superman's equal while still maintaining a very feminine look for her. My main complaint is the costume. For the most part, it looks really good, but why is she in HEELS again??? With the fighting she does in this issue, it just feels awkward and out of place.

Bottom Line: Despite being a good looking book, it doesn't do a very good job in dwarfing how unnecessary this hookup and, ultimately, this title actually are. 6 out of 10.

Why Superior Spider-Man Doesn't Work.....

For you to understand my take on Superior Spider Man, I have explain a thing or two about Breaking Bad and Batman.

Recently, Damon Lindelof wrote an essay for Vulture (that, due to spoilers, I couldn't read all of) in which he compared the transformation of Walter White's Heisenberg to Bruce Wayne's becoming Batman. He points out that while Walt's circumstances were certainly a factor in his evolution to a meth peddling mastermind, it wasn't really the cause. He was ALWAYS Heisenberg. Yeah, some guy in an alley orphaned Bruce Wayne and essentially robbed of his innocence at eight years old, but there are a LOT of people who lose their parents to gun violence. There are also a lot of people who contract cancer and can't pay for treatments. They don't dress like bats or resort to cooking illegal substances in an RV. Lindelof submits that these characters are special because their circumstances awaken something that's already inside of them, that their environment isn't the cause. It's the catalyst. The argument could be made that this is what we love about them. Regular shit that happens to plenty of people happened to them and they do something about it that everyday people simply don't have the balls to do.

After showing the essay to a friend of mine who is a Batman fan, she pointed out, "Yeah, but couldn't you say that about all heroes?" You could say that about most heroes, but not necessarily Peter Parker. Circumstances played a bigger part than people realize. His true transformation was more earned in a way. He had to learn how not to be a dick by being sort of a dick. He started out a mostly decent guy who people sort of marginalized and shitted on in high school. He got bitten by a radioactive spider and was improved physically.

Spider Man went on to take up a career as a television star to make money and then came the moment when he let a crook get away because...."Fuck him. Not my problem." This is kind of a dick move by any standards, really. Then, it turns out that same guy shot and killed his uncle. Granted, I'm sure more than a few kids screw up and inadvertently get someone they love hurt, but none of them had superpowers when they did it. Essentially, Peter was a good kid, got superpowers, was seduced by personal gain, failed and THEN became Spider Man. Now, this isn't necessarily a trope that has never been explored before, but it is the crux of why Spider Man works so well. He is the result of above average virtue through "everyman failure." Incidently, this is a big part of why Otto Octavius' "Superior" Spider-Man is so divisive among fans (myself included).

I should say, before going any further, that this is probably one of the most ambitious and gutsy moves Marvel has made in years. I mean....they killed Peter Parker. They didn't zap him back in time. They didn't send him off to the edge of the universe trapped inside a giant space bullet. They didn't ambiguously kill him using a crazy mutant's chaos magic so that he may or may not have really died. They killed him. It was one of the few moments in recent times I can remember a comic depicting a top tier hero's death rattle. And then, when the brain waves/ghostof/whatever came back to haunt Otto in an attempt to get his body back, they killed him indefinitely....again.

When his turn at being the web-slinger starts, Doctor Octopus has the best of intentions in carrying on Spider-Man's legacy, protecting his loved ones and a better hero than Peter was. This didn't last very long at all. First, to plant the initial seeds for his narcissism, he refurbishes his trademark "Octobots" into "Spiderbots" that survey the city for danger and alert Otto immediately via phone app. As cool (and sensible) as that is in theory, this is also sort of a dick move in a symbolic kind of way. Most apps, by nature, are tools designed for convenience, mainly making urgency an option for phone/tablet users. For example, there is a setting for the news app on my phone that alerts me to breaking stories as they occur. If there's a shooting in Bummerville, Middle America somewhere, I have the option of picking up my phone to know about it or putting it down and saying "It can wait." It's okay for ME to have that option because it's not my responsibility to go to Bummerville and stop the shooting. Spider Man shouldn't have the option of not going to fix shit. The whole point of a superhero is that urgency shouldn't ever be optional.

Nope. He went on to toss an old man (okay, yeah, it was the Vulture, but still) into a floodlight, shoot a defeated criminal in cold blood and beat up parkour thieves on YouTube. You would think he would pay some sort of price for this (someone important dying on his watch, losing his job, etc.) in keeping with the theme of power and responsibility. Nope. In fact, aside from a light tap on the wrist from the Avengers, Doctor Spiderpus faces little or no consequences for any of the douchebag things he does. He's rewarded with a grateful New York City (something Peter rarely had on his best day), a new girlfriend, a hollowed out prison as his public base of operations, his own private army and a giant spider mecha. I'm not kidding about that last part either. He has a giant robot. It could be argued that Otto is less on a crusade for justice and more looking to redeem his failed life through the same acts of arrogance and vanity that cloaked him in failure to begin with which isn't exactly the most heroic, altruistic or even likable of goals.

Batman has undergone some odd changes over the years, but a Batman fan opens up a Batman book and pretty much knows what their getting: a traumatized, paranoid obsessive zillionaire puts the fear of God into bad guys and plays the resident "Stop being a pussy" guy in the Justice League occasionally. People who read a Superman book know they're probably going to either get a superpowered slugfest or Superman talking suicide jumpers down off of ledges with hope and change. The theme of Spider-Man has gone from "with great power comes great responsibility" to "being a douchebag works." That works for Iron Man or the Punisher, but a change like that in a character like this is tantamount to Kanye West going from songs about working at the Gap to albums mainly about popping ecstasy pills and casual sex. Is that what Spidey readers of any age sign up for?

One of those parkour thieves he beat half
to death is a woman, by the way.
Real American Hero.

One can't help but feel this is indicative of Marvel giving into what Craig Lindsey referred to in another rogerebert.com essay as "jerk culture." This usually entails a book or movie entirely about intensely unlikable people you would probably not hold the elevator for in real life like the entire cast of The Hangover. And this is, more or less, why Spider-Man has fallen from grace for many readers. It's not that it's impossible to create good stories centered around repugnant assholes. Breaking Bad, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Seinfeld show that to be untrue. And I'm certain there are those who will use the argument that comics are an escape fantasy, so it's okay to live vicariously through heroes even when they're jerks, but to quote Lindsey, "We can be a crass, selfish, inhuman society sometimes." Maybe...just maybe...we could stand an escape from that, too.

The Obligatory Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Review

It was only a matter of time before Marvel (and really, Disney) got the bright idea to do spin off television shows in the same way comics do "tie in" series. As a comic nerd, that's really the most logical metaphor I can think of to describe Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., the long awaited primetime series spawned out the success of the Avengers movie. What Marvel is doing with this show, whether is turns out good or bad, is an important experiment in the potential of their "cinematic universe" crossing over into live action tv. The result isn't a failure by any means, but it's also not a resounding success. To its credit, the show fully embraces its silliness in a fun way similar to that of the Captain America movies from the 70s.

The pilot begins some time after the Battle of New York from the Avengers movie where Earth's Mightiest Heroes successfully repel an alien invasion, making the existence of superheroes known to a once oblivious public. Agent Phil Coulson is back from the dead (somehow) to put together an A squad that can monitor the general populace for superheroes or supervillain situations and deal with them before fast and quiet. Presumably, these will be threats that don't require the attention of Captain America and Thor since they'll need to rest up to fight genocidal robots and alien despots (other than One Direction). Recruited for the task is a pilot (Ming-Na Wen) who swears she doesn't do field work, an Archer-like field agent who allegedly doesn't work well with others despite being immensely charming and a hacker who is basically what happens when Anna Kendrick joins Anonymous. The team doesn't start off seeming like the "best of the best" but perhaps, they're not supposed to. Despite witty banter and fun introductions, the pilot doesn't do the best job of making that clear right away. And don't spend too much time worrying about how or why Phil Coulson is alive. He does a pretty good job carrying the show, so you'll be happy to see him.

In many ways, it seems like the general idea is for this to be Law and Order for superheroes like Fringe was for science fiction. Considering the sandbox the series potentially plays in, it feels like relatively small potatoes. I mean, in a universe with million (and sometimes billion) dollar budgets, a project like this that has primetime drama dollars to work with obviously isn't going to seem terribly state of the art. The show makes no effort to pretend that it is, either. However, this doesn't necessarily work completely against Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. as we see in a scene where Whedon-verse alumnus J. August Richards, playing a disenfranchised factory worker given superpowers, goes into a monologue contemplating where the everyday man fits in a world now populated by titans and super soldiers fighting for the fate of civilization. And here we have an aspect of the genre that could stand some highlighting.

Superhero tv/movies haven't done as much to capture the heroic age from a ground level perspective. In fact, the majority don't treat average joes as little more than collateral damage much like in a video game (although you're justified, I'm looking at YOU, Man of Steel). After all, the thought of the ubermensche looking out for us a really nice thought, but what long term ramifications would superpowered battle, vaporized buildings and alien invasions every week have on a populace after a while? Is this really that hard to imagine at a time of frequent mass shootings in a war weary country such as America? I mean, most people have enough trouble avoiding rush hour traffic, much less gods airing out their sibling rivalry in the middle of the goddamned street. This is an interesting theme that deserves further exploration in a venue such as this and Whedon would certainly be perfect to do so. However, this could also be a lofty goal for a show like this that's meant to be fun and ham-fisted. At this point, it's hard to say whether Whedon will be able to stay as involved with a show like this at a juncture in his career when he's become a nerd messiah, but the pilot was decent enough that it's worth sticking with a while longer.

Bottom Line: Not the hype worthy start some were expecting, but definitely enough strong groundwork to build off of. Oh, and...you know...Phil Coulson. 7.5 out of 10

Women and Comics: Why Not Wonder Woman?

So, now that DC Comics have finally gotten their heads in the game to actually compete with Marvel's movie universe, the comic movie gods are blessing us with a long awaited team-up between Batman and Superman in Man of Steel 2: The Steel Strikes Back. Soon after, there's supposed to be a Flash movie (I called that, by the way). But what of Wonder Woman? The quest to put the amazon on a small or silver screen seems to be a neverending battle unto itself. But why? This is a character that has survived the constant evolution of comics for just as long as Batman or Superman, who have both had more television/movie properties than I care to list here. She's had a red carpet list of writers lending their talents over the years ranging from George Perez to Jodi Picoult. What's so difficult about getting translating a story like this one to live action? Torontoist writer, Christopher Bird, hypothsizes that the problem lies with that fact that there simply hasn't been a definitive Wonder Woman from which to derive a blueprint. And that's actually sort of true. Most casual fans of Spider Man can at least name a supporting cast member (Mary Jane Watson), a villain (most likely the Green Goblin) and a definitive moment that proves to shape the character (probably Uncle Ben's death). Take a minute and do the same for Wonder Woman. I'll wait....

And in this, we find the "Wonder Woman Problem." Ask ten people to name three defining things about her and they MIGHT be able to think of "amazon", "lasso" and maybe "Lynda Carter." Fortunately, the recent revelation that DC is beginning to craft its own cinematic universe lends a little more hope towards Diana finally getting a turn at the spotlight. This is exactly what the character needs because a good movie would be more likely to give us a definitive version that the mainstream (nerds and non nerds alike) can latch onto for the forseeable future like Christopher Reeve did for Superman (I mean, lets face it....). However, there are a few things any writer/director should be aware of going into a Wonder Woman project.

1). This is going to certainly come into direct competition with Marvel, who just had the Hulk and a god help repel an alien invasion and save humanity. Granted, she has come a long way from being...let's face it...William Marston's homemade "spank bank" material. However,Wonder Woman has been a reincarnated over the years as the female version of Shazam, a kung fu master, a foreign dignitary from Amazon Island, a clay statue brought to life and a demigod. No two versions of her are ever the same. Although comic readers (especially DC readers) have come to see this as just par for the course with some characters, casual moviegoers will definitely find themselves confounded looking up information on WW when/if a movie ever gets announced. If it were me, I'd go with her being the super strong daughter of Zeus similar to (I believe) Brian Azzarello's run. Perhaps, she steals her armor and bracelets and runs away to "Man's World"....which would likely equate to New York...with the belief that the mortals are worth saving. Combine that with the mythological sword/shield element and you basically have the Justice League's Thor, a slightly headstrong yet noble soul trying to defend a modern society she doesn't quite understand.

2). The villain will make or break the movie. The sad fact is that Wonder Woman doesn't have the most diverse, notorious or even compelling list of villains. I'm sorry but Angle Man? Blue Snowman? Doctor Psycho? Can you even say any of these names with a straight face? I can't. And if I can't, I know for certain the non-nerds can't.

My pick for a quality villain would definitely be Ares, the god of war. Think about this: a super strong deity who has complete mastery of any weapon he puts his hands on, can influence people to be violently malicious assholes (as if we need much of a push....I mean, just look at 4Chan), and the ability to raise the dead. How awesome would a super powered street fight be between Diana and this guy? Meanwhile, Steve Trevor would be fighting undead Amazon warriors, cracking "Diana, can you hurry up before we all fucking die" running commentary.


3). For fuck's sake, put some pants on her. It's probably one of the best ideas NBC ever had (except for the stars along the seams). For one thing, there is just no way star spangled britches look good on ANYONE in real life. I imagine this is why Marvel seems to be leaning more towards a more functional style of uniform for Captain America. It's also pretty common sense for a superhero who, no matter what incarnation you use, is usually characterized as a badass fighter. Going into hand to hand combat as often as she does without armor on your legs doesn't seem tactically sound. I mean, sure, if you believe the 300 version, the Spartans did it all the time and they were also badass sword/shield fighters....but they died. And they didn't even have to fight people with guns.

Remember when this shit tried to happen?

As a viable tv/film property, Wonder Woman IS possible, but, creatively, it has to be taken as seriously as the Batman franchise or (arguably) Superman. Although there could very well be a degree of sexism involved in studios and, ultimately, DC dragging their feet to realize this, it's a dismissive, self fufilling prophecy to say that it's not possible because "nobody wants to see a movie about a feminist superhero." Feminist narrative don't necessarily equate to bra burnings and soapbox lectures about women's rights. Despite her share of sex and mushy stuff, Buffy was, more or less, Joss Whedon's epic feminist superhero legend. Alien's Ellen Ripley is a study in feminist narrative if ever there was one. Katniss Everdeen, despite being the central character in a teen drama that is basically The Running Man With Feelings, is a popular "strong female lead." So, the only real question anyone should be asking is "Why not Wonder Woman?"