The Superman Movie Post

Well, with Spider-Man and the X-Men getting another shot we all knew it was only a matter of time before it came around the corner again and so it has. Superman. Yes, the Man of Steel is finally getting his day of amnesty on the silver screen. As a result, someone asked me what I thought of the casting choice for Big Blue (Henry Cavil). Truth be told, I don't really care. He's all dreamy, eloquent of voice and sh**....he'll be fine. Besides, the problem with the past few outings hasn't been the guy in the cape. It's been everything else. There are a few things this new film is going to need to get by:

1). It cannot include James Marsden. I am so f**kin serious here. The thing that Ratner/Singer didn't understand about comic book films is that it's a slippery slope using the same people to play different roles...especially when the different roles are so similar: the other guy the love interest chose but doesn't really like. Watch the Notebook and the X Men films then tell me there's not some similarity. Anyway, it wasn't necessarily Marsden himself that had a negative hand in Superman Returns. It was his character. Put simply, he was an attempt at being Ward Cleaver meets Tintin and although he was a ridiculously self assured rebound guy in the shadow of man who blocks bullets with his f**kin eyeball, it just wasn't necessary.

2). You have to give us a slugfest. Now, commonly, I am a card carrying member of the "big fights don't make a superhero film good" club, but in this case, an exception must be made. It is my feeling that a superhero is only as awesome, as courageous, as bold as the tests put before him. The Dark Knight reminded us how awesome Batman is by putting him up against a clown faced anarchist who shot, stabbed, blew up, mutilated, conned and stole from everything he came into contact with. Iron Man 2 pitted Tony Stark against a guy who broke the time honored rules of superpowered combat and decided to take his shot at the hero before he even had time to properly put up his tin plated dukes the race car scene. In "Returns", we get Superman versus Lex Luthor and the Kryptonite mountain. Don't get me wrong...I know where Singer was going with it, giving the hero a cataclysmic event that forces him to be everywhere at once. After all, the comics didn't always have superpowered baddies. He averted disasters that mortal men couldn't prevent themselves. However, the comics did evolve over time and as much as it pains me to say it, there is a substantial percentage of the audience that, in the wake of so many popular films that depict physical manifestations of conflict (Blade, Spider Man, Incredible Hulk, etc.), responds to the lowest common denominator. In this case, that mean two people beating the sh** out of each other. Honestly, I don't care if they keep Luthor in the movie. Even in the worse case scenario, he's a psychologically powerful dissenting voice to Kal-El's unwavering moral fiber and that's necessary if you want a realistic balance when representing his standing among mankind. Personally, I'd go the Kevin Smith route and throw Brainiac in the mix. After all, he's a threat on many levels given our addiction to technology and his (in the popular incarnations) knowledge of Superman's homeworld.

3). Stop trying to invoke the feelings everyone associates with The Death of Superman. Ideally, the prospect of comic culture's most notoriously invulnerable man flatlining should be a chilling one. Unfortunately, we've seen it so much at this point (The Death of Superman, Superman: Doomsday, the Hereafter episode of Justice League, Kevin Smith's Superman Lives script, Superman Returns), it's almost become an insult to the audience's intelligence. Furthermore, if it has to be done, at least let it be done with some dignity and gravitas. "Returns" saw him die for about 7 minutes. He woke up, flew out the door, dealt with his baby mama drama and flew off into the sunset.

4). Cut it out with the Jesus references. Besides, the fact that it's gotten old and unenlightened, it's wrong. I understand that for writers, it's a seemingly simple thing to write. I get it. I, myself, used to think this way about it. I mean, it's hard for my generation to avoid when you hear Marlon Brando's voice in your head..."They could be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be. They merely lack light to show them the way. It is for this reason -their capacity for good- that I have given them you...my only son." Still, the last son of Krypton isn't really a messianic figure so much as an aspirational one. As fellow blogger Mightygodking points out, Jesus' moral vision is imposed dictation from the Almighty. Therefore, what he says goes. Such is not the case with Superman. His moral vision is not a divine message to humanity. It comes FROM humanity, specifically Jonathan and Martha Kent, who are unequivocally good people. People don't get Superman tattoos on their arm because they see him as a savior. It's because he's something to aspire toward: the pinnacle of human virtue. Then again, I could be wrong.

Hollywood Thinks We're Stupid.....

Imagine, if you can, that you're an english major. You're sitting in a movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes, a movie about one of the greatest, most celebrated fictional detectives of all time. Holmes has, at last, cornered his culprit and goes into detail about how he knew who it was all along, citing subtle clues and unsuspecting examples as he goes. Then, all of a sudden, the movie ends with everyone being kidnapped by space aliens and it turns out that the hero of Scotland Yard can summon a magic crystal that enables him to grow to be thirteen stories tall and battle alien monsters that only speak Japanese. The only trouble is that Dr. Watson is actually an Al Queida suicide bomber out to destroy Holmes and take his magic crystal so that a mutant turtle named Osama Bin Laden can conquer the universe and liquify Barack Obama's brains with continuous play of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. Now, imagine, as a result of this f**kery, that your head has exploded with confusion and frustration. If you can picture all of this, you'll have pretty good idea of what it's like for real comic fans to have to watch bullsh** like this....

Horoscope

For those of you that are still freaking out about the zodiac signs with no idea what your sign says about you, allow me to present you with your annual horoscope: "You're a moron."

An Inch of Snow Does Not Demand a Snow Day

One of the big advantages/disadvantages of living in Texas is that it doesn't get terribly cold here except for a handful of days when we get a hard freeze like we have the past couple of days. Lately, it's gotten down to anywhere between 19 and 29 degrees outside. As a result, work, classes and any myriad of events have been closing "due to inclement weather." Because it's cold. Not a blizzard....just cold. Above zero cold.

Now, don't get me wrong. As a professional pedestrian, I can personally tell you it is NOT FUN out there. But then again, I'm saying that from a bus stop in a city of mainly drivers. People with cars that have heaters, that get them from point A to B expeditiously. All over facebook, people are pissing in their pants over the imminent snow....flurries. They're whining and moaning about how they should get to go home from work or how they shouldn't have to go to school blah blah blah. The irony here is that the same people that think it's too damn cold to go to work are the same people that think it's just warm enough to meander about in the bookstore I work at, looking for a copy of Confessions of a Video Vixen. It made me think back to about a month ago when Pennsylvania governor Ed Wendell, tweaked about a Vikings game being snowed out, said we are a nation of wussies for not toughing it out. Did he have it right after all? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time the Eagles or the Vikings played in nasty weather. They're warriors, after all. Do we all have cowardice as a common denominator? I submit....no. Think about it. Wussies don't go overseas picking as many fights as America does. Wussies don't go around telling the rest of the world that they're the greatest country in the world despite not having a real plan for health insurance, owing money to half of the universe and being in Kim Jong Il's crosshairs. Ed had it all wrong. We are not a nation of wussies (he wanted to say "pussies", by the way). We are a nation of pimps and prostitutes. Capitalism (in this case, the banks) is the pimp, the government/workforce is the "bottom b*tch" that keeps everyone in line and we are the somnambulant whore, to paraphrase Tyler Durden, "working jobs we hate to buy sh** we don't need." That game was cancelled for one reason: money. The NFL would rather call the whole damn thing off than run the risk that nobody would show. Same thing with retail stores, using the mere thought of snow as an excuse to save a little money that may go down the drain keeping an customer void building's worth of lights on. Besides, as much as we like to think we're raging against the machine, we do exactly what we're told whether we realize it or not. Even when we raise hell about tax cuts and unemployment, thinking ourselves immune to fear mongering from village idiots like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin, all they have to do is play Chicken Little on the Weather Channel and we spend all week doing exactly what they want: consuming. Stocking up on food and supplies, hunkering down like it's the storm of the f**king century in a city that sees maybe three centimeters of snow for one day every two years on average. Now, if that's not a pimp fake, I don't know what is. Then again, I could be wrong.

Wall of Weird: Episode 1

Ok, for those of you that don't already know me, not only am I a poet, I work in a used bookstore (which shall remain nameless due to my antics). Since we buy books from the general public, we get our share of old, interesting and just plain bizarre material coming in on an semi-constant basis. I've decided it would be a tragedy and a disservice to my readers (all three of you) not to share these gems with the general public. Therefore, I submit for your approval....The Wall of Weird!!!

I bet you guys didn't know Sylvester Stallone was a published author. I wasn't sure he could read let alone write, but people can shock you. Granted, he wrote Rocky, but I have a theory on that. You know how scientists say you could put a bunch of monkeys in a room together with typewriters and eventually you'd get a Shakespeare play? It's basically that except you give Sly a blank word document and a slab a meat to keep him focused. After all, how do you think the Expendables got made? Anyway, after his 1976 fluke, Rocky, Stallone was given the green light to write and direct the movie/novel Paradise Alley, the saga about three brothers from 1940's Hell's Kitchen who become involved in professional wrestling also starring Armand Assante, Terry Funk and Ted DiBiase. Yes, Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man.

In case you're wondering, I didn't read this book or watch the movie. I know all of this because of the blurb on the inside flap and wikipedia. I dared not open this thing to read it for the following reasons.....

-Since it's set in the 1940's Hell's Kitchen, it's safe to assume that none of the brothers are Daredevil. I'm out.
-Apparently, according to the cover art, Sly's character is a traveling mime. I am double out.
-It is my understanding that at no point in the film does he awaken from a cryogenic prison to do battle with a blond Wesley Snipes, have mind sex with Sandra Bullock or shoot exploding arrows at cop cars for no reason. Strike Three!
-Also, this picture on the back was enough to make me place this book down.....

Caption: "Uhhh....I don't know how to turn this thing on...."

Final Verdict: The Wall of Weird gives this one a 7.5 out of 10

"You will demand your g*ddamned rights!!!!"

Ok, after reviewing my facebook today, it occurs to me that some people have no idea what's going on over in Egypt. Well instead of telling you what an uninformed dumbass you are, I found this video that will tell you, more or less everything you really need to know. It's possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life! In summary: Mubarak's a douchebag and they're not taking it anymore. I love this sh** for many reasons, but mainly ....

1). 0:07....See, this is what it looks like when you don't give a f**k!!! "I will die today!" He could have very easily walked around that corner and get one in the head and still he was ready f**k a cop up!!!
2). 0:31....That's how you test the resolve of law enforcement. "You have run me over or arrest me to move me!"
3). 0:45....."We will not be silenced, whether you're a Christian, whether you're a Muslim, whether you're an atheist, you will demand your goddamn rights, and we will have our rights, one way or the other! We will never be silenced!" This is the best sh** I've heard all year thus far!!!

The people of Egypt know how a revolution is supposed to go.
1). Put the iPhone down
2). Turn off Glee
3). Pick up a rock
4). Break something until someone listens to you.

Of course, it doesn't matter. We won't need this in our generation. Because we don't stand up for a g*ddamned thing in this country unless it's a rapper WHO'S ACTUALLY F**KIN GUILTY!!! Maybe one of these days, they'll take away enough of our intellect, our civil liberties that we'll actually stand up for ourselves and get free. I'll be waiting, ready to ride. Call me when you're ready.