The September Picks from the DC New 52.....

Ok, after tearing through DC’s 52 “first issues”, I’m not going to bother giving you the rundown on every single one simply because some of them don’t need to be dignified with an explanation. Basically, this rundown consists of my passing students (though scores will vary) and my failing students. Some titles in the passing class have been granted some amnesty because I predict they may get a little better over time. These are the titles that made the cut for what I’ll be picking up this month…..

Animal Man: I wanted to give this one points off for Buddy’s new costume (he looks like Justice), but I couldn’t do it.  This was a fantastic, well paced, beautifully drawn tale of guy who does the superhero thing every now and then with an ending that left us a little freaked out. 9 out of 10

Action Comics: **see my review blog** 8 out of 10.

Swamp Thing: One of the upside about this reboot is that DC is giving their non superhero genres a little more love while doing a decent job of making sure they’re properly infused into the larger universe. Also, I have yet to read a Scott Snyder project I didn’t like (he hit another home run I’m going to talk about later). He does a masterful job here of reminding us that Swamp Thing, at its roots, is a horror story. Though much of this first issue was devoted to setup as it should be, it also did a really good job of creeping me out at one point which is difficult to do. 8.5 out of 10.

Aquaman: I was skeptical of the project because Geoff Johns was involved in it and I’m still trying to forgive him for being a part of what passed for a Green Lantern movie (I’ve been attempting to convince myself it was a group hallucination), but this particular title was a pretty damn good example of what a #1 relaunch comic is supposed to be about. It was a very good choice to approach the character by addressing the constant ridicule he’s received over the years with a priceless diner scene. I’ll be looking forward to seeing where this goes. 8.5 out of 10.

Blackhawks: G.I. Joe for the DC Universe? That’s a good concept. It didn’t set up any particular characters other than Kunoichi very well (which is a problem when there are SO many characters to keep up with) but it was dumb fun with some good action. 6.5 out of 10.

I, Vampire: When I heard DC was pumping out a bloodsucker title, I wasn’t happy because I hate it when comic pander to the Twilight fans (sorry, ladies…It’s Vampire Academy with more whining) but I’m actually happy to report that this title did NOTHING to accomplish that goal. It actually did all in its power not to accomplish that goal. The art reminiscent of Jae Lee’s work on Dark Tower helps to make this an eerie yet beautiful story. A vampire hunting vampire looking to kill his vampire girlfriend before she and her undead legion can wage war on the DC universe??? Yes, please!!! 9.5 out of 10.

All Star Western: Granted, it wasn’t the most western book I’ve ever read, but I do love this team up between Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham. Arkham’s psychoanalysis of Hex doubling as narration (entertaining though slightly excessive at moments) succeeded in carrying the story. Also, any time Jonah Hex goes beating the shit out everything that moves, it’s usually a good read, so I’m in for the ride. 8 out of 10.

Teen Titans: If any book needed to turn things around, it was this rotting corpse…and they did so…to a degree. I’ve always liked Scott Lobdell, but he was trying really hard to invoke Brian Michael Bendis and the art left something to be desired in the way of facial expressions. Be that as it may, the kinetic pacing of the action and the decent setup kept me around. Also, this title did something I was convinced no comic book could ever do: it made me like Tim Drake as Red Robin. 7 out of 10.

Batman: Scott Snyder hit yet another one right out of the park with this one. I really appreciate the fact that he values the fact that Batman is a detective just as much as every other writer seems to value Batman’s ability to beat every living creature on Earth in the face. 8 out of 10.

Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E.: Are you serious??? Frankenstein with a gun and a sword beating the hell out of demons??? How could that possibly NOT be awesome??? It was a really fun book and it’s probably the only time I’ve ever liked ANYTHING that had a warrior mummy in it. 8 out of 10.


Justice League (added by request): I wrote a review for this one that I suggest you give a look, but for a whole issue of Batman and Green Lantern in a macho scowling/snarking contest, it did okay. I'm giving it one more chance, but Geoff Johns will have to step his game up. 7.5 out of 10.

Now, here are the books I won’t bother picking up (and neither should you)….

Stormwatch: **see my review blog** 6.5 out of 10.

Batgirl: Gail Simone is usually a winner with stuff like this, but this book was boring. There was way too much narration, the cliffhanger ending was silly and nobody told the new villain that his theme was already taken and that Mirror Master will beat him with his own eyeball (because you don’t fuck with anyone who gets beaten up by The Flash on a daily basis; they have anger issues). This one won’t last through February. 6 out of 10.

Justice League International: This is a fine example of what it looks like when a C-Team is just going through their C-Team motions. And the writer doesn’t try, at any point, to convince you that these oddballs will ever be anything other than a C-Team that Batman hangs out with on Thursdays when he needs to feel more superior than usual. I mean, seriously….there’s a character named Godiva. I think that alone says enough….5.5 out of 10.



Catwoman: This is what happens when Maxim Magazine gets into comics. There was decent action here, so I wanted to like this book, but this definitely wins my award for Most Oversexed Title of the year. Granted, this is a character that has rarely been known for her modesty, but even at that....this was a ridiculous amount of T&A. She spent anywhere from 50 to 70 percent of the book either in fetish outfits or halfway out of her clothes. Then, to top it all off, the cliffhanger ending is her and Batman....fucking....in costume. If I were 12 years old and I'd never seen Baywatch before, I'd probably like this book. 6 out of 10.

Hawk and Dove: Two words… Rob. Liefeld. This doesn’t even deserve a score.

Red Lanterns: I want to find these mysterious (probably nonexistent) fanboys who were just sitting around after Blackest Night saying to themselves “I wonder what Atrocitus is up to.” I want to find them and beat them with a rolled up copy of this book. I mean, come on…there’s a kitty cat that’s a Red Lantern. Not a talking kitty cat or a kitty cat that turns into a humanoid/kitty cat version of Guy Gardner…just a mangy fucking cat. And then Atrocitus catches Geoff Johns’ Explainer’s Disease before going into panel after panel about why he’s so pissed off. I don’t know anything about any of these characters and I don’t especially care. Put simply, this is probably the most unnecessary you could ever pick up. 5 out of 10.

Deathstroke: Apparently, Deathstroke is a bad motherfucker. You know how I know? Because every other character in the fucking book went into “holy shit…here comes trouble” mode when he steps into a room. You know how else I know? Because he jumped onto a plane, took a briefcase, listened to an evil genius set up the coming story arc, and jumped off the plane. Oh yeah…and he killed a few people. Yes, that was badass. I wouldn’t want to mess with him…or this book. 4 out of 10.

Grifter: **sigh** His name is Cole Cash. That sounds like a nickname Drake makes women call him during sex. So, basically Sawyer from Lost gets into a fight on a plane, he makes a deal that goes wrong, people want to kill him, his girlfriend’s a bitch….so he puts on a mask. Sound good? I didn’t think so. 4 out of 10.

Detective Comics: Batman’s chasing the Joker. The Joker’s crazy, but some guy thinks he can out-crazy the Joker. It’s been done…a lot. 6 out of 10 (I’m being kinda nice because I liked the little twist at the end).

Wonder Woman: I'm sure this'll be a decent graphic novel once the story arc wraps up, but as it stands, Brian Azzarello wrote an incoherent clusterfuck that doesn't bother introducing anyone including it's title character which I would think is important. 6.5 out of 10.

And Then There Was Stormwatch.....

Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of injecting outside properties into another established canon, so I was ready to not be a huge fan of Grifter, Voodoo and Stormwatch showing up in the DCU. Therefore, I was ready for Stormwatch #1 to possibly suck. The first issue of this series introduces the team consisting Jenny Quantum, Jack Hawksmoor, the Engineer and Martian Manhunter alongside three brand new characters including one called the Eminence of Blades (they're really running out of names). This incarnation of is part of an organization that has protected Earth in secret for centuries. They don't believe themselves to be superheroes, but prefer the term "professionals." It's a thin premise as far as ironing these no nonsense protagonists into the fold, but it serves its purpose.

Here's my problem: the purpose it serves simply doesn't work. Stormwatch (basically the Authority) could NEVER exist in the same space as the Justice League. They'd spend 30 pages a month at each other's throats instead of getting sh** done. It'd be like Congress...or my parents. The League would find Stormwatch to be excessive and just like Stormwatch would probably think the League is a bunch of pussies. Except Batman...because he thinks EVERYONE'S a pussy. DC is a universe built on archetypal superheroes. They're the standard. They don't need to be edgy and that's not what anyone really reads DC for, so it's redundant to have a bunch of tough guys come in and call the Superfriends lightweights.

Be all that as it may, this is still a halfway decent book. Cornell does the best he can with the task he's been given. It's not quite action packed, but there's enough of a balance between action and exposition to keep the story progressing. The best part of this for me is that the first Big Bad is the Moon...the evil talking Moon. That's just f**kin awesome. Sepulvelda's artwork makes every look like they're staring into the Sun with a lot of squinting that's supposed to look like hardcore faces. Stormwatch is passable read until the Justice League makes an appearance in the book to kick their asses and remind them whose house it is. Bottom Line: Sloppy yet salvageable artwork, balanced pace, thin crossover premise, but great potential...just not now. 6.5 out of 10.

Action Comics #1

            So when DC talked about rebooting its entire continuity, I immediately treated the thought of reading certain titles with a mild neglect. Honestly, there are just some books that you know are such a cash cow for the company, you know they're a). not going to change much, b). not going to change anything major and c). not going to change anything for long. Superman has always been guilty of this very pitfall. He could decide to walk across America talking to people, die, denounce his American citizenship, grow a mullet (no, seriously...that happened), become a being a pure electricity for no apparent reason and it will be awesome for about six to eight months. This is mostly because the new writer will forget everything Kal-El learned, endured and survived and replace it with his/her better idea that will be even more awesome....for about six to eight months. Put simply, DC Comics treats Superman like Dory from Finding Nemo. I said all that to say I had every intention to skip Action Comics #1, but Grant Morrison's writing the book so I gave it a shot figuring I'd either hate it enough to spend a blog entry railing against whatever he's smoking this month or love it enough to want whatever he's smoking this month.

       Action Comics takes place five years in the past, chronicling what seems to be the Man of Steel's early adventures as the protector of Metropolis. Ok, I know how you people are about me giving things away, but I'm just going to come out and say it. Work boots, a Superman tee shirt, a cape and boot cut blue jeans come together to equal to the worst costume I've ever seen. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be nitpicky, but any given hero's uniform should, at least be a little more inventive than that of the schizophrenic that rides my bus to work in the morning screaming about Martians while smelling of Colt 45 and discarded coffee filters. This is not your father's Clark Kent. It's really not even your older brother's Clark Kent. Although he's fairly self assured, old fashioned like you're used to and quickly gaining control of his abilities, he's headstrong, he comes home to his hovel of an apartment, pats his landlady on the forehead and makes silk thin excuses about why he looks like he's been kicked in the face by Optimus Prime all while using his dual identity to help him in his career at a respectable newspaper (sound like another superhero you know?).

          Most of the supporting characters are as they always have been. Lois Lane is tenacious although tunnel minded and misguided, Jimmy Olsen is...following Lois, Sam Lane wants to kill Superman for saving people and Lex Luthor wants to help him do it (kinda). I'll say this: Morrison writes a damn good Lex. Much like in All Star Superman and Earth 2, he wrote a condescending, arrogant douchebag who treats life and people like a game of chess. There's also plenty of action here as Morrison allows Clark to cut his teeth taking on corrupt captains of industry and running (literally) from the cops. Rags Morales handles the kinetic pacing well although facial expressions leave a bit to be desired in the non action oriented beats. It's not quite as kooky as I expected from the guy who gave us Professor Xavier's evil twin, Batman's pompous douchebag son and whatever the hell he gave us in Final Crisis, but judging by the way this first issue ends, you can tell it's building towards something psychotic and indicative of the Grant Morrison we all know and love. Bottom Line: Nice art, fast paced action, decent (re)introduction of characters....a fun ride. 8 out of 10.

My First Foray Into the New 52: Justice League #1

           Okay, I should probably start this off with the obvious fact that I find the whole idea of DC rebooting their whole universe (for, I believe, a fifth time) to be stupid. It's the one trick they know so they just keep doing and it never sticks. Love it or hate it, there's a lot of hype around this initiative and the first book they trotted out is, of course, Justice League. Now, I'm not opposed to JL being rebooted because I've hated the title since Dwayne McDuffie (who will be missed...R.I.P.) was fired from writing it. For all intents and purposes, this should be DC's flagship title and Geoff Johns creates a feeling that it's what the book is going to be. In this incarnation, our heroes don't know each other and don't seem to trust (or maybe even like) each other either and the public seems to share this sentiment. There was a lot of focus on Batman and Green Lantern which gave it the feeling of a slightly edgier episode the Brave and the Bold cartoon. The back and forth dialogue between the two, introducing their personalities to us makes the book feel a little slow despite the action. We also get an introduction to another member of the team (pre-powered) whose purpose for being on the flagship team I've yet to figure out (probably because I've never been a fan of this guy). The thing that troubles me so far is that our superheroes don't really come across as heroes. It seems like a bunch of macho people getting dressed up to go looking for something to punch (some of whi.ch do so in the third person...ugh), only performing gestures to protect the status quo as an afterthought. Part of this is probably because of Jim Lee's decision to limit the emotional range of the  faces to frown and half smiles. All in all, the banter was fun, the action was acceptable, and Jim Lee did what Jim Lee does but the characters feel like they could soon become an attempt at competing with Marvel's Ultimate Universe....which is not what we read DC for. Not quite legendary, but a decent start. 7.5 out of 10.

P.S: about the cover...why does Superman look 17?

God is NOT a Mascot....

      In the aftermath of Rick Perry's Christapalooza over the weekend, it's become official (though argubly it's been this way in Texas for years). The name "God" has taken a seat with the pantheon of brand names such as Nike, Twitter and Ed Hardy. The minds of the unwashed masses are being fashioned into contortionist marionettes to be bent and folded to fit into ideological boxes labeled "Jesus" on the outside while the insides look like voting booths. We tape our own eyelids open as we are led through neverending halls of scripture laced rhetoric until we are supposed to believe that huddling together in a football stadium where "men of God" who wear racism as undershirts and masturbate to pictures of beaten homosexuals and burning Qurans convince us that the solutions to the problems of the day are found once we fall to our knees, lower our heads in silent prayer. Silence is never the solution. In fact, silence is an accomplice to the problem. Let me rephrase: YOUR silence is an accomplice to the problem.

                According to the University Star, tuition between 2003 and 2008 rose 51 percent. "Well, damn, Oz!!! How did that happen??" Glad you asked. Pastor/Governor Perry supported a bill to deregulate tuition at public universities in Texas so that schools like U of H can charge whatever they think a U of H education is worth. That way, they can pay for all sorts of unnecessary accoutrement such as an on campus Chili's, a karate dojo and an on campus sex shop (or was that one of their frat houses? I can't tell the difference...). Texas colleges have become corporations because of an asshole that you didn't have the good sense to vote out of office. And a bible won't solve that problem; civic awareness does. And THAT isn't in the Good Book, either. It's in a damn newspaper. It's frivolous, thinly veiled political stunts like prayer rallies that bring me to the inevitable conclusion that in America, God is not a deity, he is a mascot, another entity to wrap in the American flag as if Jesus has a tattoo on his ass that reads "Made in America."

                 The real irony behind Perry's prayer meeting, pretentiously titled, "The Response," is that it's not really a response if your greedy, narrow minded activity is what's causing all the questions. It's just called "cleaning up your mess" and it's going to take more than getting your mother's bridge club together in Reliant Stadium to sing "My God is An Awesome God." It's going to take people like me and you to turn off Love and Hip Hop for a few minutes to get up and hold this asshole accountable.  Email, snail mail the representatives of your districts. Let them know you're watching them. And not just Perry, but the "leaders" of your religious communities, the ones stealing your money and using million dollar helicopters as their getaway cars, the ones standing outside of abortion clinics while sweeping their illegitimate children under the rugs, the ones camped out at soldiers funerals with signs that read "God Hates Fags" while going home to face-fuck your daughters and blow your sons. God is your hearts, not in the words of hypocrites and businessmen on government pensions, but then again, I could be wrong.

Ways for Bad Movies to Be Better Part 2....

Transformers 3: All popcorn, Icees and other snacks should all be laced with LSD in advance. At least then, there's an excuse to not understand what the f**k is going on and you have a good high to show for so many shiny things exploding for no reason in the same two hours. Then, youtube reactions afterward would be so much funnier. "Whoa, why did the Icee taste like Dimetapp? I kept seeing Leonard Nimoy with a metal face everywhere."

Green Lantern: You shouldn't even have to watch this movie. After you park your car, someone should hand you a pair the 3D glasses. After you put them on, Ryan Reynolds will paint his hand green and punch you in the face while Mark Strong just snatches your ten bucks out of your pocket.

Green Hornet: You should have an option for Seth Rogen to sit outside the theater and just tell you the entire movie. It's pretty much the same as watching him prattle on screen while Stephen Chow kicks the sh** out of everyone.

Takers: Everytime Chris Brown is supposed to say a line, he should just krump dance battle with Columbus Short. Also, you should get a coupon for a free Banana Republic sweater so that all the product placement won't be in vain.

Salt: After the first hour, there should be a QR code at the bottom of the screen that links you to a free subscription of How to Get Famous by Pouting.

Ghost Rider: Nicolas Cage should kill himself at the beginning. I'm not talking about the actual story. I'm saying Nicolas Cage should kill himself.

Things I Learned Watching The Green Hornet Film

1. Apparently, pulling the head off of a child's generic superhero action figure is proper negative reinforcement for getting your ass kicked on a playground.

2. James Franco will appear in just about anything.

3. It seems even owning a newspaper isn't enough to keep your own son out of it.

4. Coffee only tastes good if a 4 foot Asian man brews it in a machine made with what looks like a motorcycle engine.

5. Edward James Olmos makes the most ominous editor-in-chief ever.

6. Being a disgustingly rich heir to a newspaper empire means you're "dead already."

7. Seth Rogen is the same character in every movie he's ever been in.

8. Kato, it seems, is secretly the Six Million Dollar Man.

9. Getting your ass kicked in middle school totally qualifies you to take on the underworld.

10. It's always a good idea to call someone who can beat you to death three times over...."Short Round.

10 Reasons I've given up having intellectual discussions with large groups of black people.....

1. Michael Vick: In the wake of Casey Anthony being acquitted of killing her own daughter (which she did...sorry), in their understandable rage, many black folks went and pulled the Michael Vick Argument out of their a*ses. You've heard the Michael Vick Argument: "Michael Vick went to jail over some dogs but (enter guilty white person here) gets off scott free!" Dear black people, get over that sh**.  Michael Vick was guilty.  For the unwashed masses, guilty means that HE DID IT.  Seriously, why do we consistently stand up for guilty people just because their black?  As we speak, I bet Mumia Abu Jamal is probably wondering why nobody on 106 and Park is wishing him well and praying for his family the way the do Lil Wayne and T.I.!  In fact, if the justice system is so damned racist, allow me to offer some advice concerning how to stay away from the long arm of the law: DON'T F**KING COMMIT CRIME!!!!!  It works.  It's worked for me for years.  Moral of the Story: Every black person behind bars is NOT Geronimo Pratt!

2. Barack Obama: Get off this man's back! YOU voted for him! It's not his fault you thought he was a magic negro like Bagger Vance or Morgan Freeman!!!

3. Soulja Boy: I am so tired of people STILL bashing Ice-T for telling Soulja Boy to "eat a d**k" because his music is pre-packaged pop-hop bullsh**.  Shortly after, this little sambo put on his best Tiny Tim act and chastised T, a grown man, as if he is just an innocent little boy trying to make a living through wholesome songs like "Girl, Shake That Booty Meat."  Let's face facts...he's not exactly Justin Bieber.  I mean, do you know what it really means to "Superman that h*e?"  The fact of the matter is he put himself in a man's place the moment he started talking like a man.  No matter how far our celebrities fall, we will always find a way to make excuses for them, but anytime our politicians (Obama) say something we can't understand or doesn't have a magic wishing like we thought when we voted for them, we take them out back and beat the sh** out of them. Just because Soulja Boy makes a lot of money does NOT mean he's successful and anybody who says otherwise has never seen Hollywood Shuffle or Bamboozled.

4. Tyler Perry: Blackface is blackface. (borrowed from Mr. Marcell Murphy)

5. Eddie Long: Some of you are confused. He's a preacher. He's a community leader to some, his occupation is training his people in the teachings of the Bible, but he's NOT actually Jesus. Therefore, you can't put him on the cross like one.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not taking up for him. I believe wholeheartedly that he f**ked those kids, but he's not your deity. Preachers are just people trying to be into Heaven. Some may do a better job than others just like any other profession.

6. Harry Potter: This is for the batsh** crazy old black women. This may come as a shock to you, but there's no such thing as magic. Hence, there's no such thing as Harry Potter or the Dark Lord Voldemort. So stop telling your children that these stories are perpetuating witchcraft and devil worship. People can't really fly. Does that mean Superman is perpetuating witchcraft too?  Wendy Williams is a tranny.  Does that mean she's perpetuating the deconstruction of gender roles?  There is no way humanly possible you can have an intelligent conversation with needlessly superstitious. Put down the rabbit's foot, pick up a book and shut the f**k up.

7. Worldstar Hip Hop: Stop getting your "information" from the black blogsphere. This goes for Bossip, Mediatakeout, D.I.M.E Wars and all the other black versions of TMZ out there. On a bad day, half of them are wrong and on a good day, the other half are cluttered and impossible to navigate like those old Geocities web pages. I think it should be a rule that if you get your (I'm going with the word...) "information" from a website that has more than three viral videos in which a hooker, drunken club goer or babymama are having throwdowns on a bus, a fastfood joint or random parking lot, kill yourself quickly and quietly before anybody realizes you're gone. You see, these sites don't get credibility from providing actual news. They gain it through the amount of clicks/views/hits you provide. As a result, they only have to be as credible the headline it takes to get you, the unwashed masses, to click the link. You know, they do have rectangular objects like books and newspapers that people have been getting information from for decades. Centuries, in fact. You don't even need to download an app to read them. You will, however, have to leave the house.

8. Illuminati: Okay, Kanye West is weird. We all know that. But just because he did a video with a giant light bulb shaped like Michael Jackson's head, that does NOT mean he's a member of the Illuminati. Same goes for Jay-Z, Drake and Lil Wayne. I don't know exactly what started this stupid  phenomenon where rappers are members of the Illuminati....oh, wait...I know what it was. Some stupid youtube video. If you're citing a youtube video as your credible source in an argument about something older than outdoor plumbing and Abe Vigoda...kill yourself.  Okay, let me break it down. This is a secret society that has been a secret for centuries. All we can really do is speculate given the information we have to work with which isn't much, but this much seems certain: The Illuminati deals takes powerful men into its ranks. For the unenlightened, the key word is power. That means presidents, prime ministers, industrialists, men of intellectual and scientific acumen. WHAT THE F**K DO THEY NEED WITH A RAPPER??? Do they want an advance copy of Drake's mixtape??  Despite the disproven yet time honored fallacy in our community, hip hop and rap are NOT at the center of the universe.  The only thing all this talk has accomplished is giving minorities an excuse not to show up at the voting booths. "Well, my vote doesn't matter because the Illuminati controls everything anyway." Please.

9. Willie Lynch: This is, maybe, one of the most infuriating reasons on the list. Every time a black person points out another black person f**king up, all of a sudden, they're accused of playing into the teachings of the Willie Lynch address.  I bet he didn't count on his lessons of slave breeding being used by black people as the world's greatest copout. People who wear their pants on the ground, to paraphrase General Larry Platt, "look like fools with their pants on the ground."  Playing four hours of meaningless music, two hours of redundant courtroom shows that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry, four hours of reality television that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry and five to seven minutes of news is NOT being part of the great black solution (I'm looking at you, B.E.T.). But anytime you try to point this out, all of a sudden, it's black on black crime!!! I'll tell you a little secret: White people parade their idiocy too; it's called TMZ.  Hispanics put their foolery on display too; it's called Mind of Mencia. Japanese people do it as well on every insane game show they've ever come up with. Someone telling you you're f**king up is NOT an Uncle Tom. It's someone telling you you're f**king up.

10. Steve Harvey: I was talking to a group of women recently who raked me over the coals for calling the author of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" a blithering idiot of a court jester who can't venture out of the house without looking like a supervillain game show host let alone tell a woman how to not to get screwed over by men. First of all, HE'S A COMEDIAN!!!!  What part of being a comedian qualifies him to be anyone's relationship therapist? That's like the lady who delivers my mail everyday piloting Voltron or Glenn Beck fixing my cable! Furthermore, he's a comedian on his second or third marriage....WITH (correct me if I'm wrong) THE FORMER MISTRESS!!! Second, just like no woman can tell a man how to be a man, no man can fully expound on what it is to be a woman. He can only tell you what he and men like him (all three of them) want a woman to be. Third, buying into his gauche brand of bullsh** requires conceding to his idea that women are stupid for believing that there are men out there who don't have "ulterior motives in matters of courtship.  Yet when you point this out, you hear..."Well, that's true in my experience." The real killing blow of the matter is that Harvey is counting on you saying this so the brainwashing sets in. A word of advice: If that's really true in your experience, get new experiences.

Ok, I'm just going to come out and say it.....

I love our soldiers for being willing to lay down their lives in the service of their country in the name of what they perceive to be freedom, but dude, I know a con when I see one (unless the con artist in question is wearing a thong, but that's another post) and our post-Desert Storm presence in the Middle East is so manufactured, Nick Cannon would marry it. I mean, there have been some things that could be easily misinterpreted in the past but come the f**k on. At some point, somebody high up looked around and said "We need a new war, but we need one we can keep fighting." After all, war is the only real recession-proof industry there is. And you can ALWAYS come up with a reason to be over there. See, back in the day, a country would start talking sh** and we could just bomb the sh** out of them. I'm won't say any names **cough**Japan**cough**. Nowadays, Al-Queida doesn't have just one evil stronghold like in comic books. In fact, there are many cases where they don't have a concrete base of operations at all. And they're ALL pissed at us. We could just deploy troops whenever we feel like it, have them walk around until someone gets pissed enough to start shooting at them (over there, you don't have to go far) or until we find an actual asshole over there that needs to get shot in the head (Saddam, Osama, etc.). Meanwhile, on the homefront, the rich stay rich and everybody else has to trade sexual favors for gas money. Just something I was thinking about.

A Snippet of Arnold's Playlist....

Usher- Confessions Part II
Luke- Scarred
Chris Brown- She Ain't You
Madonna- Secret
John Legend- She Don't Have To Know
Kanye West- Bad News

President Me vs. Donald Trump

So,President Obama decided to take time away from doing things that matter to release his long form birth certificate. That’s the other version of the one he showed everyone two years ago to prove he’s not an evil Kenyan Muslim socialist warlord from Bizarro World. Now, there have been many irrelevant quasi-political figures and Presidential hopefuls who have given support to the “birther” movement (by that, I mean “manipulated the conspiracy theories of simple minded, uneducated rubes for their own ends”), but Donald Trump has gained the most ground by perpetuating this madness. Don’t get me wrong…this worked out well because all the morons that jumped on this bandwagon look like the single celled organisms they are. As we speak, most of them are denying they ever heard the word, birther. I guess where my presidents are concerned, I appreciate the ones that don’t get their hands dirty offering dignity to madness like this. It's all a distraction from what's really going on anyway (that the media completely fell for). I understand he got frustrated with the focus on such a frivolous issue and, in all likelihood, had a “oh, f**k it” moment, but even then, he’s still a better man than me. I wouldn't have shown anybody sh**.  Personally, I’d have extended a personal invitation to Trump to come to the White House and…..

Trump: Thank you for inviting me, Mister President. (shakes hand)

Me: It’s all good. So…**points at Trump’s hair** Is that real?

Trump: Very much so. This is actually a very exciting time. I can’t believe you waited so long to show this thing?

Me: Does it move? It doesn’t look like it moves… Wait, what?

Trump: The certificate?

Me: Dude, are you seriously still talking about that? Seriously?

Trump: I thought you brought me here to…

Me: You know there’s real stuff going on in this country, right? Do you know Paul Ryan?

Trump: Excuse me. When your office called me….

Me: You know him, don’t you? Guy with the “cute” hair? Intense eyes? Kinda looks like Emilio Estevez riding a rollercoaster? Anyway, he’s nuts and got these people on my ass about medicare. In fact…**pulls out stack of papers** ….this is his plan for how to restructure medicare. Basically, it’s a plan to pretty much kill old and poor people. You can probably appreciate that, right? This is the kind of loony bullsh** I have to deal with every f**king day and it’s not even the first thing the American people should be worried about.

Trump: Excuse me. Let me make sure I’m hearing this correctly. You didn’t bring me here to show the birth certificate?

Me: No.

Trump: Then, why did you bring me here?

Me: Honestly, I had a few free minutes and I just wanted to touch your hair.

Trump: You’re never gonna release it, are you?

Me: You’re never gonna let me touch it, are you?

Trump: No. You know what I think? I think it secretly says that you’re Muslim.

Me: You think that at some point, after I was born in Hawaii, my white mother and African father arranged for some guys with bowties and bean pies to come and put some secret Muslim stamp on the non-mandatory version of the birth certificate I showed you people two years ago?

Trump: Excuse me….

Me: Dude, one more “excuse me” and I’m gonna slap the sh** out of you. Quite simply, I don’t feel like showing it to you people. You wouldn’t be happy with it anyway because no document in existence can make me white.

Trump: You think I’m racist? I want this on record. Are you officially accusing me, Donald Trump, of being a racist?

Me: I think your constituency is a cabal of racist mouthbreathers who hate actual facts almost as much as they hate toothbrushes and high school diplomas. I just think you’re an opportunist douchebag who couldn’t find a coherent thought in your own head if you sent out a search party. And you’ll never have my job. I know that. You know that. You’re Sarah Palin with a combover and I brought you here to tell you so. Now, I have to get back to my evil Kenyan plot to bring Socialism to America and chisel passages from the Quran on the Lincoln Monument. Say hello to Gary Busey for me. **Walks out**

Me: (to my security detail) He wouldn’t even let me touch his hair. What a d**k!

Five Reasons I'm Less Than Excited About Fast Five

1). Nobody should ever be excited about a Vin Diesel movie. (XXX is the cutoff point)

2). Paul Walker’s in it. That fact in itself immediately removes me from the experience. If I can avoid it, I don’t pay movie theater prices for straight-to-dvd caliber actors.

3). It’s a series of movies about street racing that’s less and less about street racing.

4).  Dwayne Johnson’s two one dimensional action roles away from being eligible for starring in the next Expendables movies.

5). Fast Five is a stupid title and kind of indicative of the whole “churn another cash cow out to make some more money off the unwashed” vibe this whole project seems to carry.

I mean, I’ll probably watch it and I’m sure it’ll be a decent movie. It’ll just be a decent and unnecessary movie like Transporter 3 and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.

Pass or Play: Movie Predictions....

Green Lantern- Ok, I can see where studio execs would like Ryan Reynolds playing a superhero. He's funny, has a decent resume and clearly owns Hip Hop Abs. Whatever. He doesn't need to be playing Hal Jordan, the greatest Green Lantern of all time. See, what the studios don't understand is that every superhero doesn't need to be cracking wise while saving the day. This is the one where we want to see him being a badass. From what I can tell of the trailer, some things look really good and some things don't. Abin Sur and the crashed spaceship....looks awesome. Mark Strong as Sinestro....not as much. Green Lantern's costume looks like a cgi nightmare from 1998. They honestly couldn't have put that guy in tights??? Children, people who like professional wrestling and women who like beach bodies will all like this movie. Fans will divided depending on the degree of fan they are. All in all, DC's film franchise is trying to catch up to Marvel, but they're going to have some failures along the way. Jonah Hex was one...this'll be next one. If you want a good alternative, go to Wal Mart and pick up the animated feature Green Lantern: First Flight. Final Verdict: Pass.

Thor: You know, Ive heard complaints and I really don't understand people's problem with Chris Hemsworth playing the Norse god of thunder. What is it? The fact that he looks like a big scary wrestler from parts unknown? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's precisely what Thor looks like. I actually have few complaints about this one. I saw the trailer and thus far, it seems like they did everything right. I am a little concerned about the part where a big super strong thunder god goes all Jason Bourne on a dozen SHIELD agents, but that's minor. This movie looks fantastic and I think it's in a perfect position to kick summer blockbuster ass. Final Verdict: Play.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night- I think I know what happened here. In recession-era Hollywood, Brandon Routh...the guy from that Superman movie we shall not speak of...thought of a way to break the Superman curse. See, it's been customary that everyone who plays the Man of Steel over the years fails to find good work afterwards (I'm looking at you, Dean Cain), ends up in D-List Purgatory....or commits suicide. From the looks of this low budget, third generation Constantine meets Caddyshack, Routh should have volunteered for that last option. There's always a chance that the kid could find the spotlight again but, oh my stars and garters, this ain't that moment. Final Verdict: Pass.

Super 8- Ok, from what I can tell of the trailer, this is JJ Abrams' attempt at making up for Cloverfield. It seems like he took the Spielberg boy meets monster route which makes for a pretty simple straightforward film. It looks halfway decent and even if it sucks, it'll hold us sci fi freaks over until the Star Trek sequel. Final Verdict: Play.

X-Men First Class: Hahahaha....wait, seriously? That was a real trailer??? Ok, what did comic fans ever do to Fox for them to keep putting out sh*tty additions to this franchise? For all of the non-nerds, this series stopped being semi-accurate after the second film. They just started making sh** up to have an excuse to force James McAvoy on us again. As a matter of fact, I think this movie that has nothing to do with the graphic novel is his punishment for Wanted....just like Wanted was Morgan Freeman's punishment for being a pedophile. Final Verdict: Pass.

Captain America: Ok, this is one of those moments where I'm forced to eat my words early. When I found out Chris Evans was playing the man himself, I had a field day, calling the whole project a fail. I saw the trailer and although they don't give you much to go on, I'm actually impressed. He looks good as the Star Spangled Avenger. See, the great thing about this latest line of Marvel flicks is that they can't afford to suck. Since it's all leading up to the Avengers film next year, each film has to bleed time, effort and money like Charlie Sheen in the middle of a coke deal. All in all, I'm excited. Final Verdict: Play.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn- I am actually really excited about this movie but mostly because it's the last one which means the nightmare is finally over!!! Final Verdict: Play.

Cowboys and Aliens: Now, I'm not hugely familiar with the graphic novel on this one, but I saw the trailer during Tron Legacy and couldn't help but laugh. It looks like a joke I wrote once about sh*tty writers who let a story carry on as it should and suddenly has the characters get kidnapped by aliens for no reason. Bwahahahahahaha!!!! Anyway, this looks like it should be a fun ride without getting too goofy. Daniel Craig doesn't do goofy. He has one speed: shoot everyone in the face (and we like him that way; see Casino Royale). Cowboys defending their town against an otherworldly invasion is a concept just bizarre enough to be awesome. I was on the fence here, but you know what? I'm in. Final Verdict: Play.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides- No. Final Verdict: Pass.

Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon: I know there's a lot of people excited about this, but I have to be honest. After that last clusterf**k of ghetto hybrid cars, giant robot testicles and giant robot ghosts, I think I'm done. Clearly, Orci and Kurtzman aren't writing this one and whoever replaced them is clearly lazy. "What if there were giant robots in the Smithsonian?" "What if there were giant robots hiding in Egypt?" Now it's "What if there were giant robots on the moon?" The only positive thing I've read about this one so far is that Megan Fox was fired. I'm sure there's an audience for this aside from children, but at this point, it ain't me. Final Verdict: Pass.

Ways for Movies to Be Better....

My facebook reviews and blogs sometimes incite people who feel very strongly about the films I assess. Apparently, a single dissenting opinion can cause your brain to melt because everyone knows the only way to like a movie is if everyone else agrees with you. Anyway, after Ive offered reasoning as to why a particular film sucks, someone usually asks "Well, since you know so much, what would you do to make it better?" Well, say no more.....

GI Joe: Everytime a character starts have a whiny flashback or do something uncharacteristically sensitive, Sgt. Slaughter should show up to beat them in the face with an automatic rifle.

Avatar: James Cameron should just drop the pretenses and recut the whole film, overlapping the script and soundtrack from Pocahontas.

Jonah Hex: Give Megan Fox a disfigurement to match the disquiet in her soul.

The Last Airbender: Get rid of the Slumdog Millionaire kid and replace him with Justin Bieber. Nothing would appease the populace better than watching that little cockroach getting beaten over the head by a bald kid with a stick.

The Expendables: 1). Cast Nicholas Cage as the lead because if there's anyone that can play a menopausal action junkie who doesn't know when to give the f**k up, it's Mr. Season of the Witch. Either that or.... 2). Reshoot the whole movie except using the cast of The Golden Girls. It would have the same effect.

The Superman Movie Post

Well, with Spider-Man and the X-Men getting another shot we all knew it was only a matter of time before it came around the corner again and so it has. Superman. Yes, the Man of Steel is finally getting his day of amnesty on the silver screen. As a result, someone asked me what I thought of the casting choice for Big Blue (Henry Cavil). Truth be told, I don't really care. He's all dreamy, eloquent of voice and sh**....he'll be fine. Besides, the problem with the past few outings hasn't been the guy in the cape. It's been everything else. There are a few things this new film is going to need to get by:

1). It cannot include James Marsden. I am so f**kin serious here. The thing that Ratner/Singer didn't understand about comic book films is that it's a slippery slope using the same people to play different roles...especially when the different roles are so similar: the other guy the love interest chose but doesn't really like. Watch the Notebook and the X Men films then tell me there's not some similarity. Anyway, it wasn't necessarily Marsden himself that had a negative hand in Superman Returns. It was his character. Put simply, he was an attempt at being Ward Cleaver meets Tintin and although he was a ridiculously self assured rebound guy in the shadow of man who blocks bullets with his f**kin eyeball, it just wasn't necessary.

2). You have to give us a slugfest. Now, commonly, I am a card carrying member of the "big fights don't make a superhero film good" club, but in this case, an exception must be made. It is my feeling that a superhero is only as awesome, as courageous, as bold as the tests put before him. The Dark Knight reminded us how awesome Batman is by putting him up against a clown faced anarchist who shot, stabbed, blew up, mutilated, conned and stole from everything he came into contact with. Iron Man 2 pitted Tony Stark against a guy who broke the time honored rules of superpowered combat and decided to take his shot at the hero before he even had time to properly put up his tin plated dukes the race car scene. In "Returns", we get Superman versus Lex Luthor and the Kryptonite mountain. Don't get me wrong...I know where Singer was going with it, giving the hero a cataclysmic event that forces him to be everywhere at once. After all, the comics didn't always have superpowered baddies. He averted disasters that mortal men couldn't prevent themselves. However, the comics did evolve over time and as much as it pains me to say it, there is a substantial percentage of the audience that, in the wake of so many popular films that depict physical manifestations of conflict (Blade, Spider Man, Incredible Hulk, etc.), responds to the lowest common denominator. In this case, that mean two people beating the sh** out of each other. Honestly, I don't care if they keep Luthor in the movie. Even in the worse case scenario, he's a psychologically powerful dissenting voice to Kal-El's unwavering moral fiber and that's necessary if you want a realistic balance when representing his standing among mankind. Personally, I'd go the Kevin Smith route and throw Brainiac in the mix. After all, he's a threat on many levels given our addiction to technology and his (in the popular incarnations) knowledge of Superman's homeworld.

3). Stop trying to invoke the feelings everyone associates with The Death of Superman. Ideally, the prospect of comic culture's most notoriously invulnerable man flatlining should be a chilling one. Unfortunately, we've seen it so much at this point (The Death of Superman, Superman: Doomsday, the Hereafter episode of Justice League, Kevin Smith's Superman Lives script, Superman Returns), it's almost become an insult to the audience's intelligence. Furthermore, if it has to be done, at least let it be done with some dignity and gravitas. "Returns" saw him die for about 7 minutes. He woke up, flew out the door, dealt with his baby mama drama and flew off into the sunset.

4). Cut it out with the Jesus references. Besides, the fact that it's gotten old and unenlightened, it's wrong. I understand that for writers, it's a seemingly simple thing to write. I get it. I, myself, used to think this way about it. I mean, it's hard for my generation to avoid when you hear Marlon Brando's voice in your head..."They could be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be. They merely lack light to show them the way. It is for this reason -their capacity for good- that I have given them you...my only son." Still, the last son of Krypton isn't really a messianic figure so much as an aspirational one. As fellow blogger Mightygodking points out, Jesus' moral vision is imposed dictation from the Almighty. Therefore, what he says goes. Such is not the case with Superman. His moral vision is not a divine message to humanity. It comes FROM humanity, specifically Jonathan and Martha Kent, who are unequivocally good people. People don't get Superman tattoos on their arm because they see him as a savior. It's because he's something to aspire toward: the pinnacle of human virtue. Then again, I could be wrong.

Hollywood Thinks We're Stupid.....

Imagine, if you can, that you're an english major. You're sitting in a movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes, a movie about one of the greatest, most celebrated fictional detectives of all time. Holmes has, at last, cornered his culprit and goes into detail about how he knew who it was all along, citing subtle clues and unsuspecting examples as he goes. Then, all of a sudden, the movie ends with everyone being kidnapped by space aliens and it turns out that the hero of Scotland Yard can summon a magic crystal that enables him to grow to be thirteen stories tall and battle alien monsters that only speak Japanese. The only trouble is that Dr. Watson is actually an Al Queida suicide bomber out to destroy Holmes and take his magic crystal so that a mutant turtle named Osama Bin Laden can conquer the universe and liquify Barack Obama's brains with continuous play of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. Now, imagine, as a result of this f**kery, that your head has exploded with confusion and frustration. If you can picture all of this, you'll have pretty good idea of what it's like for real comic fans to have to watch bullsh** like this....

Horoscope

For those of you that are still freaking out about the zodiac signs with no idea what your sign says about you, allow me to present you with your annual horoscope: "You're a moron."

An Inch of Snow Does Not Demand a Snow Day

One of the big advantages/disadvantages of living in Texas is that it doesn't get terribly cold here except for a handful of days when we get a hard freeze like we have the past couple of days. Lately, it's gotten down to anywhere between 19 and 29 degrees outside. As a result, work, classes and any myriad of events have been closing "due to inclement weather." Because it's cold. Not a blizzard....just cold. Above zero cold.

Now, don't get me wrong. As a professional pedestrian, I can personally tell you it is NOT FUN out there. But then again, I'm saying that from a bus stop in a city of mainly drivers. People with cars that have heaters, that get them from point A to B expeditiously. All over facebook, people are pissing in their pants over the imminent snow....flurries. They're whining and moaning about how they should get to go home from work or how they shouldn't have to go to school blah blah blah. The irony here is that the same people that think it's too damn cold to go to work are the same people that think it's just warm enough to meander about in the bookstore I work at, looking for a copy of Confessions of a Video Vixen. It made me think back to about a month ago when Pennsylvania governor Ed Wendell, tweaked about a Vikings game being snowed out, said we are a nation of wussies for not toughing it out. Did he have it right after all? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time the Eagles or the Vikings played in nasty weather. They're warriors, after all. Do we all have cowardice as a common denominator? I submit....no. Think about it. Wussies don't go overseas picking as many fights as America does. Wussies don't go around telling the rest of the world that they're the greatest country in the world despite not having a real plan for health insurance, owing money to half of the universe and being in Kim Jong Il's crosshairs. Ed had it all wrong. We are not a nation of wussies (he wanted to say "pussies", by the way). We are a nation of pimps and prostitutes. Capitalism (in this case, the banks) is the pimp, the government/workforce is the "bottom b*tch" that keeps everyone in line and we are the somnambulant whore, to paraphrase Tyler Durden, "working jobs we hate to buy sh** we don't need." That game was cancelled for one reason: money. The NFL would rather call the whole damn thing off than run the risk that nobody would show. Same thing with retail stores, using the mere thought of snow as an excuse to save a little money that may go down the drain keeping an customer void building's worth of lights on. Besides, as much as we like to think we're raging against the machine, we do exactly what we're told whether we realize it or not. Even when we raise hell about tax cuts and unemployment, thinking ourselves immune to fear mongering from village idiots like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin, all they have to do is play Chicken Little on the Weather Channel and we spend all week doing exactly what they want: consuming. Stocking up on food and supplies, hunkering down like it's the storm of the f**king century in a city that sees maybe three centimeters of snow for one day every two years on average. Now, if that's not a pimp fake, I don't know what is. Then again, I could be wrong.

Wall of Weird: Episode 1

Ok, for those of you that don't already know me, not only am I a poet, I work in a used bookstore (which shall remain nameless due to my antics). Since we buy books from the general public, we get our share of old, interesting and just plain bizarre material coming in on an semi-constant basis. I've decided it would be a tragedy and a disservice to my readers (all three of you) not to share these gems with the general public. Therefore, I submit for your approval....The Wall of Weird!!!

I bet you guys didn't know Sylvester Stallone was a published author. I wasn't sure he could read let alone write, but people can shock you. Granted, he wrote Rocky, but I have a theory on that. You know how scientists say you could put a bunch of monkeys in a room together with typewriters and eventually you'd get a Shakespeare play? It's basically that except you give Sly a blank word document and a slab a meat to keep him focused. After all, how do you think the Expendables got made? Anyway, after his 1976 fluke, Rocky, Stallone was given the green light to write and direct the movie/novel Paradise Alley, the saga about three brothers from 1940's Hell's Kitchen who become involved in professional wrestling also starring Armand Assante, Terry Funk and Ted DiBiase. Yes, Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man.

In case you're wondering, I didn't read this book or watch the movie. I know all of this because of the blurb on the inside flap and wikipedia. I dared not open this thing to read it for the following reasons.....

-Since it's set in the 1940's Hell's Kitchen, it's safe to assume that none of the brothers are Daredevil. I'm out.
-Apparently, according to the cover art, Sly's character is a traveling mime. I am double out.
-It is my understanding that at no point in the film does he awaken from a cryogenic prison to do battle with a blond Wesley Snipes, have mind sex with Sandra Bullock or shoot exploding arrows at cop cars for no reason. Strike Three!
-Also, this picture on the back was enough to make me place this book down.....

Caption: "Uhhh....I don't know how to turn this thing on...."

Final Verdict: The Wall of Weird gives this one a 7.5 out of 10

"You will demand your g*ddamned rights!!!!"

Ok, after reviewing my facebook today, it occurs to me that some people have no idea what's going on over in Egypt. Well instead of telling you what an uninformed dumbass you are, I found this video that will tell you, more or less everything you really need to know. It's possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life! In summary: Mubarak's a douchebag and they're not taking it anymore. I love this sh** for many reasons, but mainly ....

1). 0:07....See, this is what it looks like when you don't give a f**k!!! "I will die today!" He could have very easily walked around that corner and get one in the head and still he was ready f**k a cop up!!!
2). 0:31....That's how you test the resolve of law enforcement. "You have run me over or arrest me to move me!"
3). 0:45....."We will not be silenced, whether you're a Christian, whether you're a Muslim, whether you're an atheist, you will demand your goddamn rights, and we will have our rights, one way or the other! We will never be silenced!" This is the best sh** I've heard all year thus far!!!

The people of Egypt know how a revolution is supposed to go.
1). Put the iPhone down
2). Turn off Glee
3). Pick up a rock
4). Break something until someone listens to you.

Of course, it doesn't matter. We won't need this in our generation. Because we don't stand up for a g*ddamned thing in this country unless it's a rapper WHO'S ACTUALLY F**KIN GUILTY!!! Maybe one of these days, they'll take away enough of our intellect, our civil liberties that we'll actually stand up for ourselves and get free. I'll be waiting, ready to ride. Call me when you're ready.