Update: Civil War II Still Sucks

So, for those of you keeping up and those of you who haven't, I just wanted to check in and remind you that Civil War II is still a thing that's going on and it's still pretty stupid. I mean, granted, it's not nearly as stupid as DC fans starting to petition to end a website for keeping count of how many people think a movie they like is good or bad (because that's all Rotten Tomatoes is, really), but it's still pretty stupid for reasons other than the ones we've already discussed. So, it merits at least some discussion....which will occur after the jump.

The Week In Geek 6/22/16: Civil War II Is Stupid So Far

So, Civil War II: Civil Harder, has begun in the Marvel Universe and we're two issues in so that's as good a place as any to start talking about it.

Disclaimer: I'm talking about Civil War II, so I'm talking directly about the plot which means there are spoilers. So, if you guys don't want to hear about it, go ahead and jump ship now. Otherwise, there are spoilers after the jump. I've warned you.

The Week In Geek 1/6/16

This Week In Star Wars (in case you're not sick of me talking about Star Wars yet)....I was scrolling through io9 and I saw yet another article listing all of the "minor" issues with The Force Awakens which, no offense to io9 in particular, has gotten goddamned annoying. The most annoying thing is that, since Force Awakens has been so well received and is well on its way to beating Avatar in worldwide sales (meaning there's nothing to justify an article on what sucks about it), every article you read has to preface it with, "Don't get me wrong...we like this movie, but..." in the same way racists start racist comments with, "Look, I don't want to sound racist, but..." Because outside of Star Wars, the week or so after New Year's is slow news in geekdom and the usual suspects need some shit to talk about.

In this very same week, JJ Abrams was on a podcast where he gave a very reasonable explanation for the naysayer who whine about the movie being a remake of A New Hope. First of all, he shouldn't have and, quite frankly, didn't have to do that if you ask me (I'm going to say that if you're reading my blog in the first place, that counts as you asking me). For one thing, there's the inevitability that if you keep feeling the need to justify your work, you'll say something stupid that will eventually end up as comedic fodder like when Max Landis said he wanted to make American Alien the opposite of AllStar Superman (I'm assuming by "the opposite", he meant "bad" because that's what's happened so far) or when Zack Snyderclaimed to have saved Watchmen from Terry Gilliam or whatever. Furthermore, we all know that, no matter what they say, directors and writers totally listen to the fans. Even the trolls. We know this, but it just looks bad when said creators actually respond because, ultimately, NEVER have these statements ever shut fanboys up no matter how thought out they are. Never. Zack Snyder has responded to Man of Steel criticisms for ages now and yet MoS is STILL the most divisive movie every in the genre. It doesn't even work in politics. Donald Trump could get on the stump tomorrow and claim that Jeb! Bush is a holocaust denier and Jeb! could say something logical and reasonable like, "I'm not responding to nonsensical, unfounded allegations. Let's talk about the issues." Despite this being a completely mature, rational way to respond to a Presidential candidate whose entire political strategy is based around lying and flinging gargoyle shit at the other candidates, odds are good that we would still ridicule him and call him "low energy" or whatever else Trump has convinced him he is. It's not that we want to believe something Donald Trump says. We don't. We know that, in all likelihood, it isn't true. But the fact that Bush is so visibly wounded, you can tell it affects him. Even when he's not directly addressing it, he's addressing it and, ultimately, dignifying the comments. Put simply, JJ Abrams, at this juncture, should just not be dignifying these things that are only being discussed just because the nerd blogosphere needs some shit to talk about. Also, I'm not a director/producer worth millions of dollars or anything, but if MY movie were holding solid at 94% on Rotten Tomatoes, io9 and anyone else who has anything to say about it could go fuck themselves no matter how well intentioned their "think piece" is. But that's just me, so....

My comic review for the week on Invincible Iron Man is up and available on Black Nerd Problems for your viewing pleasure. Outside of that, I may get a little inconsistent with the blog reviews since I just moved a PS4 into my house and will be playing unhealthy amounts of Destiny for both self-care and research purposes. Yes, I heard what I just said. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous. Yes, I still mean it. That is all.

In Defense of Darkman or....Superhero Movies Hollywood Could Learn Something From

With this year in superhero films wrapped up, Marvel ready to shove out their new batch and DC getting everyone's mouths watering with Arrow being a breakout success (despite mixed reviews from fanboys) their Flash television pilot, and of course the several rumors and announcements behind the casting of Man of Steel 2: The Steel Strikes Back, I thought I'd pull a few movies with cult success (despite questionable box office numbers) out of the vault and take a brief look at some of the lessons modern comic book cinema could take from them

Darkman: It sort of saddens me that we're quickly approaching (if we're not already in the midst of) a generation that will never know the glory that is Darkman. When you watch Sam Raimi's first jump into the superhero genre, it's actually a big insight into why he got tapped for the Spider-Man series in the first place. Even though, at first glance, it comes across as a teenager's ultraviolent fantasy, it's actually very indicative of what many comics were at the fringes of early comic culture: melodramatic pulp adventure. A psychotic, disfigured scientist returns from "death" to take revenge on the mobsters and crooked officials responsible? If Darkman had originated as a comic book hero, the story itself would have been more of a horror story than anything and Raimi has a far better understanding of the comic book genre than anyone gives him credit for. The movie made absolutely NO apologies for the fact that Peyton Westlake was more or less just a really demented guy who a). wanted his face back and b). wanted to kill a lot of people (basically what would happen if someone set Kanye West on fire).

Moral of the Story: The lesson that Current Hollywood can (and should but won't) take from this movie is that every superhero film doesn't have to be one of virtue because not every superhero is a virtuous one nor should they be. This is where the Punisher and Ghost Rider movies went wrong (well, they went wrong a LOT of places...Nic Cage being a notable one....but virtue was prime among their sins).


The Phantom: Now, here's a movie that holds a very special place in my heart while many others have forgotten about for understandable reasons. The 1989 Batman was something of a game changer for superhero movies. When Jack Nicholson's Joker uttered the line "Where does he get those wonderful toys?"....his reaction was one that turned out to mirror the audience's. I mean, for the time in which it was conceived, watching a hero swing onto rooftops, lob smoke bombs and evade the law in a tricked out car was pretty goddamned exciting. Then, you find yourself watching a period piece about hero you mainly only know from the comics section of your newspaper. So, needless to say, Lee Falk's jungle hero had the odds against him right out of the gate. He was an Indiana Jones-type hero at a time when moviegoers had decided they were pretty much over Indiana Jones.



Having said that, there's a lot to learn from The Phantom. First of all, there's Billy Zane's performance. With a period piece like this, it's importance not to take yourself too seriously. Zane went a different way than what would be expected from a story about a mythical hero who lives in a secret jungle surrounded by tree people who revere him as a living ghost protector. Let's face it...if you go dark and play the Phantom like a guy He dashed to and fro, punching and shooting with a wink, a smile and a "pardon me, ma'am" at every turn. We call this kind of shit "cheesy" and "hamfisted" nowadays, but it's also the sort of thing that makes us smile and induces a feeling of escape which is what we commonly go to the movies for in the first place.

One of the best "quiet as kept" scenes is when Phantom is chasing thugs who've kidnapped Kristy Swanson (By the way, Diana Palmer's awesomeness dwarfs pretty much EVERY incarnation of Lois Lane except maybe Amy Adams in Man of Steel), bumps into a woman by mistake, stops to pick up her purse like a gentleman and goes on to leap from car to car in traffic, steal a cop's horse, riding off in hot pursuit....LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.

Moral of the Story: The thing that should really translate well here for Current Hollywood is that every hero doesn't have to be edgy and dark. Granted, Ghost Rider really should be which is why that failed, but there's no reason modern day swashbucklers can't be fun.

The Rocketeer: For a movie that doesn't really get the credit it's due, maintaining a 63% rating on Rotten Tomatoes isn't exactly anything to sneeze at. Unfortunately, it suffered from the same societal epidemics as The Phantom where a). if a movie didn't open and sellout in every theater worldwide like Dark Knight or The Avengers recently, it's automatically dismissed as a failure (keep in mind that several failures have done very well in the box office in the same way as when you go home with the guy at the bar who seems to mean well only to wake up once you're sober and say "What the fuck was I thinking?"....I'm looking at you, Transformers 2 & 3) and b). was portraying a sort of bare bones "everyman" hero in the era of Batman.

In many ways, this was a movie that Hollywood, in fact, may just have learned something from for better or worse. I mean, honestly, Rocketeer was the epitome of a period-piece hero epic. A douchebag test pilot finds Howard Hughes experimental jet pack, battles "G-men", the mob, and Nazis all for the love of Jennifer Connelly's boobs? That pretty much sums up American propaganda heroes of the 1930's. For all intents and purposes, this was something of a blueprint that would later make the way for asshole superheroes like Robert Downey Jr.'s Iron Man. One of the big highlights from this movie that deserves consideration (aside from a delightfully fun Timothy Dalton villain) is the dialed back usage of special effects. Don't get me wrong; it's not like they tied Bill Campbell to a big rope the whole time and told him to holler in front of a house fan the whole time, but Peter Travers had it right when he referred to it's movie magic as "the kind that charms us, rather than bullying us, into suspending disbelief."

Moral of the Story: On one hand, when you have movies about gods with magic hammers, giant green beasts, asshole space cops with magic wishing rings and....well, Superman...it's hard for visuals NOT to be a contributing factor to their success. On the other hand, special effects don't have to subtract from the story's personality. Joss Whedon understands this pretty well. So does Rocketeer director Joe Johnston which is probably why Marvel ended up tapping him to direct Captain America, which, in addition to being a pretty damn good origin story, ended up being a terrific send up of old Republic serials.

Why People Should Suck It Up and Get Over the Iron Man 3 Thing (SPOILERS AHEAD).....

Seriously, there are SPOILERS in here. Last chance.

Well, Iron Man 3 has finally come and, as I predicted within 15 seconds of seeing the big Mandarin reveal, the entire internet fell on the floor kicking and screaming like children (Bell Biv Devoe calls that "the crybaby"). For those of you that don't care about seeing this movie, but want to know what I'm talking about, here's the breakdown.

The movie version of the Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) is the (white) supposed head of a terrorist organization known as the Ten Rings, the same group that held Tony Stark captive in the first movie. Stark infiltrates the Mandarin's home only to discover that he is actually a drunken, drug addicted British actor named Trevor Slattery, who is just a front for Aldridge Killian (Guy Pearce) and A.I.M.'s war profiteering scam. At some point throughout Killian's final battle with Iron Man, he screams "I am the Mandarin!!!" Denzel Washington Training Day style.

As a result of this twist in the narrative, as I said before, the internet lost its collective mind because they didn't get a RDJ/Ben Kingsley superpowered slugfest even though the slugfest they got instead was FUCKING AWESOME. The thing about comic nerds is that they're very random about how and when they decide a movie's handling of the source material is careless. X-Men First Class was taken seriously, the Scarecrow got beaten up by Katie Holmes, Dr. Doom was basically portrayed as Donald Trump with superpowers and Ghost Rider got two movies. But somehow, THIS is just too much to handle. To understand why this is a silly grievance, you have to understand who the Mandarin is in the comics.

Depending on the writer, the details have changed slightly over the years, but basically the Mandarin was a Chinese man, oppressed by Chairman Mao, who stumbled upon alien technology in the form of ten powerful rings and used them to become an evil would-be conqueror. An evil Chinese would-be conqueror who looks, dresses and talks like a villain from a Shaw Brothers kung fu movie.

In other words....this guy.

Over the years, they've changed his clothes and motives for hating Iron Man, but as far as his goals and ideologies, long story short....this could be considered pretty fucking racist. In 2013, with the borderline xenophobic political climate, there is just no way in Hell you can market this to a worldwide audience with children in good conscience. None. Granted, I'm not saying that you HAVE to characterize the Mandarin this way to do it justice, but it IS racially problematic for Marvel and, ultimately, Disney. If they cast a Chinese guy, the Asian community would quite possibly maul the studio and rightfully so. If Ben Kingsley's version (dressed the way he was) had been a superpowered badass, the movie would have been accused of "whitewashing" a Chinese character and we saw how that worked out for M. Night Shaymalamadingdong with The Last Airbender. Or you can write the Mandarin out altogether, but then you have C-List Iron Man baddies like the Living Laser. Sorry, but outside of comic book, no studio exec in the universe thinks Living Laser is a good name for a movie villain.

My point here is that Shane Black handled the "Mandarin" issue in the most realistically feasible way possible. So suck it up.