Transformers 3: All popcorn, Icees and other snacks should all be laced with LSD in advance. At least then, there's an excuse to not understand what the f**k is going on and you have a good high to show for so many shiny things exploding for no reason in the same two hours. Then, youtube reactions afterward would be so much funnier. "Whoa, why did the Icee taste like Dimetapp? I kept seeing Leonard Nimoy with a metal face everywhere."
Green Lantern: You shouldn't even have to watch this movie. After you park your car, someone should hand you a pair the 3D glasses. After you put them on, Ryan Reynolds will paint his hand green and punch you in the face while Mark Strong just snatches your ten bucks out of your pocket.
Green Hornet: You should have an option for Seth Rogen to sit outside the theater and just tell you the entire movie. It's pretty much the same as watching him prattle on screen while Stephen Chow kicks the sh** out of everyone.
Takers: Everytime Chris Brown is supposed to say a line, he should just krump dance battle with Columbus Short. Also, you should get a coupon for a free Banana Republic sweater so that all the product placement won't be in vain.
Salt: After the first hour, there should be a QR code at the bottom of the screen that links you to a free subscription of How to Get Famous by Pouting.
Ghost Rider: Nicolas Cage should kill himself at the beginning. I'm not talking about the actual story. I'm saying Nicolas Cage should kill himself.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Things I Learned Watching The Green Hornet Film
1. Apparently, pulling the head off of a child's generic superhero action figure is proper negative reinforcement for getting your ass kicked on a playground.
2. James Franco will appear in just about anything.
3. It seems even owning a newspaper isn't enough to keep your own son out of it.
4. Coffee only tastes good if a 4 foot Asian man brews it in a machine made with what looks like a motorcycle engine.
5. Edward James Olmos makes the most ominous editor-in-chief ever.
6. Being a disgustingly rich heir to a newspaper empire means you're "dead already."
7. Seth Rogen is the same character in every movie he's ever been in.
8. Kato, it seems, is secretly the Six Million Dollar Man.
9. Getting your ass kicked in middle school totally qualifies you to take on the underworld.
10. It's always a good idea to call someone who can beat you to death three times over...."Short Round.
2. James Franco will appear in just about anything.
3. It seems even owning a newspaper isn't enough to keep your own son out of it.
4. Coffee only tastes good if a 4 foot Asian man brews it in a machine made with what looks like a motorcycle engine.
5. Edward James Olmos makes the most ominous editor-in-chief ever.
6. Being a disgustingly rich heir to a newspaper empire means you're "dead already."
7. Seth Rogen is the same character in every movie he's ever been in.
8. Kato, it seems, is secretly the Six Million Dollar Man.
9. Getting your ass kicked in middle school totally qualifies you to take on the underworld.
10. It's always a good idea to call someone who can beat you to death three times over...."Short Round.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
10 Reasons I've given up having intellectual discussions with large groups of black people.....
1. Michael Vick: In the wake of Casey Anthony being acquitted of killing her own daughter (which she did...sorry), in their understandable rage, many black folks went and pulled the Michael Vick Argument out of their a*ses. You've heard the Michael Vick Argument: "Michael Vick went to jail over some dogs but (enter guilty white person here) gets off scott free!" Dear black people, get over that sh**. Michael Vick was guilty. For the unwashed masses, guilty means that HE DID IT. Seriously, why do we consistently stand up for guilty people just because their black? As we speak, I bet Mumia Abu Jamal is probably wondering why nobody on 106 and Park is wishing him well and praying for his family the way the do Lil Wayne and T.I.! In fact, if the justice system is so damned racist, allow me to offer some advice concerning how to stay away from the long arm of the law: DON'T F**KING COMMIT CRIME!!!!! It works. It's worked for me for years. Moral of the Story: Every black person behind bars is NOT Geronimo Pratt!
2. Barack Obama: Get off this man's back! YOU voted for him! It's not his fault you thought he was a magic negro like Bagger Vance or Morgan Freeman!!!
3. Soulja Boy: I am so tired of people STILL bashing Ice-T for telling Soulja Boy to "eat a d**k" because his music is pre-packaged pop-hop bullsh**. Shortly after, this little sambo put on his best Tiny Tim act and chastised T, a grown man, as if he is just an innocent little boy trying to make a living through wholesome songs like "Girl, Shake That Booty Meat." Let's face facts...he's not exactly Justin Bieber. I mean, do you know what it really means to "Superman that h*e?" The fact of the matter is he put himself in a man's place the moment he started talking like a man. No matter how far our celebrities fall, we will always find a way to make excuses for them, but anytime our politicians (Obama) say something we can't understand or doesn't have a magic wishing like we thought when we voted for them, we take them out back and beat the sh** out of them. Just because Soulja Boy makes a lot of money does NOT mean he's successful and anybody who says otherwise has never seen Hollywood Shuffle or Bamboozled.
4. Tyler Perry: Blackface is blackface. (borrowed from Mr. Marcell Murphy)
5. Eddie Long: Some of you are confused. He's a preacher. He's a community leader to some, his occupation is training his people in the teachings of the Bible, but he's NOT actually Jesus. Therefore, you can't put him on the cross like one. Don't get me wrong. I'm not taking up for him. I believe wholeheartedly that he f**ked those kids, but he's not your deity. Preachers are just people trying to be into Heaven. Some may do a better job than others just like any other profession.
6. Harry Potter: This is for the batsh** crazy old black women. This may come as a shock to you, but there's no such thing as magic. Hence, there's no such thing as Harry Potter or the Dark Lord Voldemort. So stop telling your children that these stories are perpetuating witchcraft and devil worship. People can't really fly. Does that mean Superman is perpetuating witchcraft too? Wendy Williams is a tranny. Does that mean she's perpetuating the deconstruction of gender roles? There is no way humanly possible you can have an intelligent conversation with needlessly superstitious. Put down the rabbit's foot, pick up a book and shut the f**k up.
7. Worldstar Hip Hop: Stop getting your "information" from the black blogsphere. This goes for Bossip, Mediatakeout, D.I.M.E Wars and all the other black versions of TMZ out there. On a bad day, half of them are wrong and on a good day, the other half are cluttered and impossible to navigate like those old Geocities web pages. I think it should be a rule that if you get your (I'm going with the word...) "information" from a website that has more than three viral videos in which a hooker, drunken club goer or babymama are having throwdowns on a bus, a fastfood joint or random parking lot, kill yourself quickly and quietly before anybody realizes you're gone. You see, these sites don't get credibility from providing actual news. They gain it through the amount of clicks/views/hits you provide. As a result, they only have to be as credible the headline it takes to get you, the unwashed masses, to click the link. You know, they do have rectangular objects like books and newspapers that people have been getting information from for decades. Centuries, in fact. You don't even need to download an app to read them. You will, however, have to leave the house.
8. Illuminati: Okay, Kanye West is weird. We all know that. But just because he did a video with a giant light bulb shaped like Michael Jackson's head, that does NOT mean he's a member of the Illuminati. Same goes for Jay-Z, Drake and Lil Wayne. I don't know exactly what started this stupid phenomenon where rappers are members of the Illuminati....oh, wait...I know what it was. Some stupid youtube video. If you're citing a youtube video as your credible source in an argument about something older than outdoor plumbing and Abe Vigoda...kill yourself. Okay, let me break it down. This is a secret society that has been a secret for centuries. All we can really do is speculate given the information we have to work with which isn't much, but this much seems certain: The Illuminati deals takes powerful men into its ranks. For the unenlightened, the key word is power. That means presidents, prime ministers, industrialists, men of intellectual and scientific acumen. WHAT THE F**K DO THEY NEED WITH A RAPPER??? Do they want an advance copy of Drake's mixtape?? Despite the disproven yet time honored fallacy in our community, hip hop and rap are NOT at the center of the universe. The only thing all this talk has accomplished is giving minorities an excuse not to show up at the voting booths. "Well, my vote doesn't matter because the Illuminati controls everything anyway." Please.
9. Willie Lynch: This is, maybe, one of the most infuriating reasons on the list. Every time a black person points out another black person f**king up, all of a sudden, they're accused of playing into the teachings of the Willie Lynch address. I bet he didn't count on his lessons of slave breeding being used by black people as the world's greatest copout. People who wear their pants on the ground, to paraphrase General Larry Platt, "look like fools with their pants on the ground." Playing four hours of meaningless music, two hours of redundant courtroom shows that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry, four hours of reality television that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry and five to seven minutes of news is NOT being part of the great black solution (I'm looking at you, B.E.T.). But anytime you try to point this out, all of a sudden, it's black on black crime!!! I'll tell you a little secret: White people parade their idiocy too; it's called TMZ. Hispanics put their foolery on display too; it's called Mind of Mencia. Japanese people do it as well on every insane game show they've ever come up with. Someone telling you you're f**king up is NOT an Uncle Tom. It's someone telling you you're f**king up.
10. Steve Harvey: I was talking to a group of women recently who raked me over the coals for calling the author of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" a blithering idiot of a court jester who can't venture out of the house without looking like a supervillain game show host let alone tell a woman how to not to get screwed over by men. First of all, HE'S A COMEDIAN!!!! What part of being a comedian qualifies him to be anyone's relationship therapist? That's like the lady who delivers my mail everyday piloting Voltron or Glenn Beck fixing my cable! Furthermore, he's a comedian on his second or third marriage....WITH (correct me if I'm wrong) THE FORMER MISTRESS!!! Second, just like no woman can tell a man how to be a man, no man can fully expound on what it is to be a woman. He can only tell you what he and men like him (all three of them) want a woman to be. Third, buying into his gauche brand of bullsh** requires conceding to his idea that women are stupid for believing that there are men out there who don't have "ulterior motives in matters of courtship. Yet when you point this out, you hear..."Well, that's true in my experience." The real killing blow of the matter is that Harvey is counting on you saying this so the brainwashing sets in. A word of advice: If that's really true in your experience, get new experiences.
2. Barack Obama: Get off this man's back! YOU voted for him! It's not his fault you thought he was a magic negro like Bagger Vance or Morgan Freeman!!!
3. Soulja Boy: I am so tired of people STILL bashing Ice-T for telling Soulja Boy to "eat a d**k" because his music is pre-packaged pop-hop bullsh**. Shortly after, this little sambo put on his best Tiny Tim act and chastised T, a grown man, as if he is just an innocent little boy trying to make a living through wholesome songs like "Girl, Shake That Booty Meat." Let's face facts...he's not exactly Justin Bieber. I mean, do you know what it really means to "Superman that h*e?" The fact of the matter is he put himself in a man's place the moment he started talking like a man. No matter how far our celebrities fall, we will always find a way to make excuses for them, but anytime our politicians (Obama) say something we can't understand or doesn't have a magic wishing like we thought when we voted for them, we take them out back and beat the sh** out of them. Just because Soulja Boy makes a lot of money does NOT mean he's successful and anybody who says otherwise has never seen Hollywood Shuffle or Bamboozled.
4. Tyler Perry: Blackface is blackface. (borrowed from Mr. Marcell Murphy)
5. Eddie Long: Some of you are confused. He's a preacher. He's a community leader to some, his occupation is training his people in the teachings of the Bible, but he's NOT actually Jesus. Therefore, you can't put him on the cross like one. Don't get me wrong. I'm not taking up for him. I believe wholeheartedly that he f**ked those kids, but he's not your deity. Preachers are just people trying to be into Heaven. Some may do a better job than others just like any other profession.
6. Harry Potter: This is for the batsh** crazy old black women. This may come as a shock to you, but there's no such thing as magic. Hence, there's no such thing as Harry Potter or the Dark Lord Voldemort. So stop telling your children that these stories are perpetuating witchcraft and devil worship. People can't really fly. Does that mean Superman is perpetuating witchcraft too? Wendy Williams is a tranny. Does that mean she's perpetuating the deconstruction of gender roles? There is no way humanly possible you can have an intelligent conversation with needlessly superstitious. Put down the rabbit's foot, pick up a book and shut the f**k up.
7. Worldstar Hip Hop: Stop getting your "information" from the black blogsphere. This goes for Bossip, Mediatakeout, D.I.M.E Wars and all the other black versions of TMZ out there. On a bad day, half of them are wrong and on a good day, the other half are cluttered and impossible to navigate like those old Geocities web pages. I think it should be a rule that if you get your (I'm going with the word...) "information" from a website that has more than three viral videos in which a hooker, drunken club goer or babymama are having throwdowns on a bus, a fastfood joint or random parking lot, kill yourself quickly and quietly before anybody realizes you're gone. You see, these sites don't get credibility from providing actual news. They gain it through the amount of clicks/views/hits you provide. As a result, they only have to be as credible the headline it takes to get you, the unwashed masses, to click the link. You know, they do have rectangular objects like books and newspapers that people have been getting information from for decades. Centuries, in fact. You don't even need to download an app to read them. You will, however, have to leave the house.
8. Illuminati: Okay, Kanye West is weird. We all know that. But just because he did a video with a giant light bulb shaped like Michael Jackson's head, that does NOT mean he's a member of the Illuminati. Same goes for Jay-Z, Drake and Lil Wayne. I don't know exactly what started this stupid phenomenon where rappers are members of the Illuminati....oh, wait...I know what it was. Some stupid youtube video. If you're citing a youtube video as your credible source in an argument about something older than outdoor plumbing and Abe Vigoda...kill yourself. Okay, let me break it down. This is a secret society that has been a secret for centuries. All we can really do is speculate given the information we have to work with which isn't much, but this much seems certain: The Illuminati deals takes powerful men into its ranks. For the unenlightened, the key word is power. That means presidents, prime ministers, industrialists, men of intellectual and scientific acumen. WHAT THE F**K DO THEY NEED WITH A RAPPER??? Do they want an advance copy of Drake's mixtape?? Despite the disproven yet time honored fallacy in our community, hip hop and rap are NOT at the center of the universe. The only thing all this talk has accomplished is giving minorities an excuse not to show up at the voting booths. "Well, my vote doesn't matter because the Illuminati controls everything anyway." Please.
9. Willie Lynch: This is, maybe, one of the most infuriating reasons on the list. Every time a black person points out another black person f**king up, all of a sudden, they're accused of playing into the teachings of the Willie Lynch address. I bet he didn't count on his lessons of slave breeding being used by black people as the world's greatest copout. People who wear their pants on the ground, to paraphrase General Larry Platt, "look like fools with their pants on the ground." Playing four hours of meaningless music, two hours of redundant courtroom shows that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry, four hours of reality television that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry and five to seven minutes of news is NOT being part of the great black solution (I'm looking at you, B.E.T.). But anytime you try to point this out, all of a sudden, it's black on black crime!!! I'll tell you a little secret: White people parade their idiocy too; it's called TMZ. Hispanics put their foolery on display too; it's called Mind of Mencia. Japanese people do it as well on every insane game show they've ever come up with. Someone telling you you're f**king up is NOT an Uncle Tom. It's someone telling you you're f**king up.
10. Steve Harvey: I was talking to a group of women recently who raked me over the coals for calling the author of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" a blithering idiot of a court jester who can't venture out of the house without looking like a supervillain game show host let alone tell a woman how to not to get screwed over by men. First of all, HE'S A COMEDIAN!!!! What part of being a comedian qualifies him to be anyone's relationship therapist? That's like the lady who delivers my mail everyday piloting Voltron or Glenn Beck fixing my cable! Furthermore, he's a comedian on his second or third marriage....WITH (correct me if I'm wrong) THE FORMER MISTRESS!!! Second, just like no woman can tell a man how to be a man, no man can fully expound on what it is to be a woman. He can only tell you what he and men like him (all three of them) want a woman to be. Third, buying into his gauche brand of bullsh** requires conceding to his idea that women are stupid for believing that there are men out there who don't have "ulterior motives in matters of courtship. Yet when you point this out, you hear..."Well, that's true in my experience." The real killing blow of the matter is that Harvey is counting on you saying this so the brainwashing sets in. A word of advice: If that's really true in your experience, get new experiences.
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