President Me vs. Donald Trump

So,President Obama decided to take time away from doing things that matter to release his long form birth certificate. That’s the other version of the one he showed everyone two years ago to prove he’s not an evil Kenyan Muslim socialist warlord from Bizarro World. Now, there have been many irrelevant quasi-political figures and Presidential hopefuls who have given support to the “birther” movement (by that, I mean “manipulated the conspiracy theories of simple minded, uneducated rubes for their own ends”), but Donald Trump has gained the most ground by perpetuating this madness. Don’t get me wrong…this worked out well because all the morons that jumped on this bandwagon look like the single celled organisms they are. As we speak, most of them are denying they ever heard the word, birther. I guess where my presidents are concerned, I appreciate the ones that don’t get their hands dirty offering dignity to madness like this. It's all a distraction from what's really going on anyway (that the media completely fell for). I understand he got frustrated with the focus on such a frivolous issue and, in all likelihood, had a “oh, f**k it” moment, but even then, he’s still a better man than me. I wouldn't have shown anybody sh**.  Personally, I’d have extended a personal invitation to Trump to come to the White House and…..

Trump: Thank you for inviting me, Mister President. (shakes hand)

Me: It’s all good. So…**points at Trump’s hair** Is that real?

Trump: Very much so. This is actually a very exciting time. I can’t believe you waited so long to show this thing?

Me: Does it move? It doesn’t look like it moves… Wait, what?

Trump: The certificate?

Me: Dude, are you seriously still talking about that? Seriously?

Trump: I thought you brought me here to…

Me: You know there’s real stuff going on in this country, right? Do you know Paul Ryan?

Trump: Excuse me. When your office called me….

Me: You know him, don’t you? Guy with the “cute” hair? Intense eyes? Kinda looks like Emilio Estevez riding a rollercoaster? Anyway, he’s nuts and got these people on my ass about medicare. In fact…**pulls out stack of papers** ….this is his plan for how to restructure medicare. Basically, it’s a plan to pretty much kill old and poor people. You can probably appreciate that, right? This is the kind of loony bullsh** I have to deal with every f**king day and it’s not even the first thing the American people should be worried about.

Trump: Excuse me. Let me make sure I’m hearing this correctly. You didn’t bring me here to show the birth certificate?

Me: No.

Trump: Then, why did you bring me here?

Me: Honestly, I had a few free minutes and I just wanted to touch your hair.

Trump: You’re never gonna release it, are you?

Me: You’re never gonna let me touch it, are you?

Trump: No. You know what I think? I think it secretly says that you’re Muslim.

Me: You think that at some point, after I was born in Hawaii, my white mother and African father arranged for some guys with bowties and bean pies to come and put some secret Muslim stamp on the non-mandatory version of the birth certificate I showed you people two years ago?

Trump: Excuse me….

Me: Dude, one more “excuse me” and I’m gonna slap the sh** out of you. Quite simply, I don’t feel like showing it to you people. You wouldn’t be happy with it anyway because no document in existence can make me white.

Trump: You think I’m racist? I want this on record. Are you officially accusing me, Donald Trump, of being a racist?

Me: I think your constituency is a cabal of racist mouthbreathers who hate actual facts almost as much as they hate toothbrushes and high school diplomas. I just think you’re an opportunist douchebag who couldn’t find a coherent thought in your own head if you sent out a search party. And you’ll never have my job. I know that. You know that. You’re Sarah Palin with a combover and I brought you here to tell you so. Now, I have to get back to my evil Kenyan plot to bring Socialism to America and chisel passages from the Quran on the Lincoln Monument. Say hello to Gary Busey for me. **Walks out**

Me: (to my security detail) He wouldn’t even let me touch his hair. What a d**k!

Five Reasons I'm Less Than Excited About Fast Five

1). Nobody should ever be excited about a Vin Diesel movie. (XXX is the cutoff point)

2). Paul Walker’s in it. That fact in itself immediately removes me from the experience. If I can avoid it, I don’t pay movie theater prices for straight-to-dvd caliber actors.

3). It’s a series of movies about street racing that’s less and less about street racing.

4).  Dwayne Johnson’s two one dimensional action roles away from being eligible for starring in the next Expendables movies.

5). Fast Five is a stupid title and kind of indicative of the whole “churn another cash cow out to make some more money off the unwashed” vibe this whole project seems to carry.

I mean, I’ll probably watch it and I’m sure it’ll be a decent movie. It’ll just be a decent and unnecessary movie like Transporter 3 and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.

Pass or Play: Movie Predictions....

Green Lantern- Ok, I can see where studio execs would like Ryan Reynolds playing a superhero. He's funny, has a decent resume and clearly owns Hip Hop Abs. Whatever. He doesn't need to be playing Hal Jordan, the greatest Green Lantern of all time. See, what the studios don't understand is that every superhero doesn't need to be cracking wise while saving the day. This is the one where we want to see him being a badass. From what I can tell of the trailer, some things look really good and some things don't. Abin Sur and the crashed spaceship....looks awesome. Mark Strong as Sinestro....not as much. Green Lantern's costume looks like a cgi nightmare from 1998. They honestly couldn't have put that guy in tights??? Children, people who like professional wrestling and women who like beach bodies will all like this movie. Fans will divided depending on the degree of fan they are. All in all, DC's film franchise is trying to catch up to Marvel, but they're going to have some failures along the way. Jonah Hex was one...this'll be next one. If you want a good alternative, go to Wal Mart and pick up the animated feature Green Lantern: First Flight. Final Verdict: Pass.

Thor: You know, Ive heard complaints and I really don't understand people's problem with Chris Hemsworth playing the Norse god of thunder. What is it? The fact that he looks like a big scary wrestler from parts unknown? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's precisely what Thor looks like. I actually have few complaints about this one. I saw the trailer and thus far, it seems like they did everything right. I am a little concerned about the part where a big super strong thunder god goes all Jason Bourne on a dozen SHIELD agents, but that's minor. This movie looks fantastic and I think it's in a perfect position to kick summer blockbuster ass. Final Verdict: Play.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night- I think I know what happened here. In recession-era Hollywood, Brandon Routh...the guy from that Superman movie we shall not speak of...thought of a way to break the Superman curse. See, it's been customary that everyone who plays the Man of Steel over the years fails to find good work afterwards (I'm looking at you, Dean Cain), ends up in D-List Purgatory....or commits suicide. From the looks of this low budget, third generation Constantine meets Caddyshack, Routh should have volunteered for that last option. There's always a chance that the kid could find the spotlight again but, oh my stars and garters, this ain't that moment. Final Verdict: Pass.

Super 8- Ok, from what I can tell of the trailer, this is JJ Abrams' attempt at making up for Cloverfield. It seems like he took the Spielberg boy meets monster route which makes for a pretty simple straightforward film. It looks halfway decent and even if it sucks, it'll hold us sci fi freaks over until the Star Trek sequel. Final Verdict: Play.

X-Men First Class: Hahahaha....wait, seriously? That was a real trailer??? Ok, what did comic fans ever do to Fox for them to keep putting out sh*tty additions to this franchise? For all of the non-nerds, this series stopped being semi-accurate after the second film. They just started making sh** up to have an excuse to force James McAvoy on us again. As a matter of fact, I think this movie that has nothing to do with the graphic novel is his punishment for Wanted....just like Wanted was Morgan Freeman's punishment for being a pedophile. Final Verdict: Pass.

Captain America: Ok, this is one of those moments where I'm forced to eat my words early. When I found out Chris Evans was playing the man himself, I had a field day, calling the whole project a fail. I saw the trailer and although they don't give you much to go on, I'm actually impressed. He looks good as the Star Spangled Avenger. See, the great thing about this latest line of Marvel flicks is that they can't afford to suck. Since it's all leading up to the Avengers film next year, each film has to bleed time, effort and money like Charlie Sheen in the middle of a coke deal. All in all, I'm excited. Final Verdict: Play.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn- I am actually really excited about this movie but mostly because it's the last one which means the nightmare is finally over!!! Final Verdict: Play.

Cowboys and Aliens: Now, I'm not hugely familiar with the graphic novel on this one, but I saw the trailer during Tron Legacy and couldn't help but laugh. It looks like a joke I wrote once about sh*tty writers who let a story carry on as it should and suddenly has the characters get kidnapped by aliens for no reason. Bwahahahahahaha!!!! Anyway, this looks like it should be a fun ride without getting too goofy. Daniel Craig doesn't do goofy. He has one speed: shoot everyone in the face (and we like him that way; see Casino Royale). Cowboys defending their town against an otherworldly invasion is a concept just bizarre enough to be awesome. I was on the fence here, but you know what? I'm in. Final Verdict: Play.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides- No. Final Verdict: Pass.

Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon: I know there's a lot of people excited about this, but I have to be honest. After that last clusterf**k of ghetto hybrid cars, giant robot testicles and giant robot ghosts, I think I'm done. Clearly, Orci and Kurtzman aren't writing this one and whoever replaced them is clearly lazy. "What if there were giant robots in the Smithsonian?" "What if there were giant robots hiding in Egypt?" Now it's "What if there were giant robots on the moon?" The only positive thing I've read about this one so far is that Megan Fox was fired. I'm sure there's an audience for this aside from children, but at this point, it ain't me. Final Verdict: Pass.

Ways for Movies to Be Better....

My facebook reviews and blogs sometimes incite people who feel very strongly about the films I assess. Apparently, a single dissenting opinion can cause your brain to melt because everyone knows the only way to like a movie is if everyone else agrees with you. Anyway, after Ive offered reasoning as to why a particular film sucks, someone usually asks "Well, since you know so much, what would you do to make it better?" Well, say no more.....

GI Joe: Everytime a character starts have a whiny flashback or do something uncharacteristically sensitive, Sgt. Slaughter should show up to beat them in the face with an automatic rifle.

Avatar: James Cameron should just drop the pretenses and recut the whole film, overlapping the script and soundtrack from Pocahontas.

Jonah Hex: Give Megan Fox a disfigurement to match the disquiet in her soul.

The Last Airbender: Get rid of the Slumdog Millionaire kid and replace him with Justin Bieber. Nothing would appease the populace better than watching that little cockroach getting beaten over the head by a bald kid with a stick.

The Expendables: 1). Cast Nicholas Cage as the lead because if there's anyone that can play a menopausal action junkie who doesn't know when to give the f**k up, it's Mr. Season of the Witch. Either that or.... 2). Reshoot the whole movie except using the cast of The Golden Girls. It would have the same effect.