So,President Obama decided to take time away from doing things that matter to release his long form birth certificate. That’s the other version of the one he showed everyone two years ago to prove he’s not an evil Kenyan Muslim socialist warlord from Bizarro World. Now, there have been many irrelevant quasi-political figures and Presidential hopefuls who have given support to the “birther” movement (by that, I mean “manipulated the conspiracy theories of simple minded, uneducated rubes for their own ends”), but Donald Trump has gained the most ground by perpetuating this madness. Don’t get me wrong…this worked out well because all the morons that jumped on this bandwagon look like the single celled organisms they are. As we speak, most of them are denying they ever heard the word, birther. I guess where my presidents are concerned, I appreciate the ones that don’t get their hands dirty offering dignity to madness like this. It's all a distraction from what's really going on anyway (that the media completely fell for). I understand he got frustrated with the focus on such a frivolous issue and, in all likelihood, had a “oh, f**k it” moment, but even then, he’s still a better man than me. I wouldn't have shown anybody sh**. Personally, I’d have extended a personal invitation to Trump to come to the White House and…..
Trump: Thank you for inviting me, Mister President. (shakes hand)
Me: It’s all good. So…**points at Trump’s hair** Is that real?
Trump: Very much so. This is actually a very exciting time. I can’t believe you waited so long to show this thing?
Me: Does it move? It doesn’t look like it moves… Wait, what?
Trump: The certificate?
Me: Dude, are you seriously still talking about that? Seriously?
Trump: I thought you brought me here to…
Me: You know there’s real stuff going on in this country, right? Do you know Paul Ryan?
Trump: Excuse me. When your office called me….
Me: You know him, don’t you? Guy with the “cute” hair? Intense eyes? Kinda looks like Emilio Estevez riding a rollercoaster? Anyway, he’s nuts and got these people on my ass about medicare. In fact…**pulls out stack of papers** ….this is his plan for how to restructure medicare. Basically, it’s a plan to pretty much kill old and poor people. You can probably appreciate that, right? This is the kind of loony bullsh** I have to deal with every f**king day and it’s not even the first thing the American people should be worried about.
Trump: Excuse me. Let me make sure I’m hearing this correctly. You didn’t bring me here to show the birth certificate?
Me: No.
Trump: Then, why did you bring me here?
Me: Honestly, I had a few free minutes and I just wanted to touch your hair.
Trump: You’re never gonna release it, are you?
Me: You’re never gonna let me touch it, are you?
Trump: No. You know what I think? I think it secretly says that you’re Muslim.
Me: You think that at some point, after I was born in Hawaii, my white mother and African father arranged for some guys with bowties and bean pies to come and put some secret Muslim stamp on the non-mandatory version of the birth certificate I showed you people two years ago?
Trump: Excuse me….
Me: Dude, one more “excuse me” and I’m gonna slap the sh** out of you. Quite simply, I don’t feel like showing it to you people. You wouldn’t be happy with it anyway because no document in existence can make me white.
Trump: You think I’m racist? I want this on record. Are you officially accusing me, Donald Trump, of being a racist?
Me: I think your constituency is a cabal of racist mouthbreathers who hate actual facts almost as much as they hate toothbrushes and high school diplomas. I just think you’re an opportunist douchebag who couldn’t find a coherent thought in your own head if you sent out a search party. And you’ll never have my job. I know that. You know that. You’re Sarah Palin with a combover and I brought you here to tell you so. Now, I have to get back to my evil Kenyan plot to bring Socialism to America and chisel passages from the Quran on the Lincoln Monument. Say hello to Gary Busey for me. **Walks out**
Me: (to my security detail) He wouldn’t even let me touch his hair. What a d**k!
Trump: Thank you for inviting me, Mister President. (shakes hand)
Me: It’s all good. So…**points at Trump’s hair** Is that real?
Trump: Very much so. This is actually a very exciting time. I can’t believe you waited so long to show this thing?
Me: Does it move? It doesn’t look like it moves… Wait, what?
Trump: The certificate?
Me: Dude, are you seriously still talking about that? Seriously?
Trump: I thought you brought me here to…
Me: You know there’s real stuff going on in this country, right? Do you know Paul Ryan?
Trump: Excuse me. When your office called me….
Me: You know him, don’t you? Guy with the “cute” hair? Intense eyes? Kinda looks like Emilio Estevez riding a rollercoaster? Anyway, he’s nuts and got these people on my ass about medicare. In fact…**pulls out stack of papers** ….this is his plan for how to restructure medicare. Basically, it’s a plan to pretty much kill old and poor people. You can probably appreciate that, right? This is the kind of loony bullsh** I have to deal with every f**king day and it’s not even the first thing the American people should be worried about.
Trump: Excuse me. Let me make sure I’m hearing this correctly. You didn’t bring me here to show the birth certificate?
Me: No.
Trump: Then, why did you bring me here?
Me: Honestly, I had a few free minutes and I just wanted to touch your hair.
Trump: You’re never gonna release it, are you?
Me: You’re never gonna let me touch it, are you?
Trump: No. You know what I think? I think it secretly says that you’re Muslim.
Me: You think that at some point, after I was born in Hawaii, my white mother and African father arranged for some guys with bowties and bean pies to come and put some secret Muslim stamp on the non-mandatory version of the birth certificate I showed you people two years ago?
Trump: Excuse me….
Me: Dude, one more “excuse me” and I’m gonna slap the sh** out of you. Quite simply, I don’t feel like showing it to you people. You wouldn’t be happy with it anyway because no document in existence can make me white.
Trump: You think I’m racist? I want this on record. Are you officially accusing me, Donald Trump, of being a racist?
Me: I think your constituency is a cabal of racist mouthbreathers who hate actual facts almost as much as they hate toothbrushes and high school diplomas. I just think you’re an opportunist douchebag who couldn’t find a coherent thought in your own head if you sent out a search party. And you’ll never have my job. I know that. You know that. You’re Sarah Palin with a combover and I brought you here to tell you so. Now, I have to get back to my evil Kenyan plot to bring Socialism to America and chisel passages from the Quran on the Lincoln Monument. Say hello to Gary Busey for me. **Walks out**
Me: (to my security detail) He wouldn’t even let me touch his hair. What a d**k!
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