And Then There Was Stormwatch.....

Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of injecting outside properties into another established canon, so I was ready to not be a huge fan of Grifter, Voodoo and Stormwatch showing up in the DCU. Therefore, I was ready for Stormwatch #1 to possibly suck. The first issue of this series introduces the team consisting Jenny Quantum, Jack Hawksmoor, the Engineer and Martian Manhunter alongside three brand new characters including one called the Eminence of Blades (they're really running out of names). This incarnation of is part of an organization that has protected Earth in secret for centuries. They don't believe themselves to be superheroes, but prefer the term "professionals." It's a thin premise as far as ironing these no nonsense protagonists into the fold, but it serves its purpose.

Here's my problem: the purpose it serves simply doesn't work. Stormwatch (basically the Authority) could NEVER exist in the same space as the Justice League. They'd spend 30 pages a month at each other's throats instead of getting sh** done. It'd be like Congress...or my parents. The League would find Stormwatch to be excessive and just like Stormwatch would probably think the League is a bunch of pussies. Except Batman...because he thinks EVERYONE'S a pussy. DC is a universe built on archetypal superheroes. They're the standard. They don't need to be edgy and that's not what anyone really reads DC for, so it's redundant to have a bunch of tough guys come in and call the Superfriends lightweights.

Be all that as it may, this is still a halfway decent book. Cornell does the best he can with the task he's been given. It's not quite action packed, but there's enough of a balance between action and exposition to keep the story progressing. The best part of this for me is that the first Big Bad is the Moon...the evil talking Moon. That's just f**kin awesome. Sepulvelda's artwork makes every look like they're staring into the Sun with a lot of squinting that's supposed to look like hardcore faces. Stormwatch is passable read until the Justice League makes an appearance in the book to kick their asses and remind them whose house it is. Bottom Line: Sloppy yet salvageable artwork, balanced pace, thin crossover premise, but great potential...just not now. 6.5 out of 10.

Action Comics #1

            So when DC talked about rebooting its entire continuity, I immediately treated the thought of reading certain titles with a mild neglect. Honestly, there are just some books that you know are such a cash cow for the company, you know they're a). not going to change much, b). not going to change anything major and c). not going to change anything for long. Superman has always been guilty of this very pitfall. He could decide to walk across America talking to people, die, denounce his American citizenship, grow a mullet (no, seriously...that happened), become a being a pure electricity for no apparent reason and it will be awesome for about six to eight months. This is mostly because the new writer will forget everything Kal-El learned, endured and survived and replace it with his/her better idea that will be even more awesome....for about six to eight months. Put simply, DC Comics treats Superman like Dory from Finding Nemo. I said all that to say I had every intention to skip Action Comics #1, but Grant Morrison's writing the book so I gave it a shot figuring I'd either hate it enough to spend a blog entry railing against whatever he's smoking this month or love it enough to want whatever he's smoking this month.

       Action Comics takes place five years in the past, chronicling what seems to be the Man of Steel's early adventures as the protector of Metropolis. Ok, I know how you people are about me giving things away, but I'm just going to come out and say it. Work boots, a Superman tee shirt, a cape and boot cut blue jeans come together to equal to the worst costume I've ever seen. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be nitpicky, but any given hero's uniform should, at least be a little more inventive than that of the schizophrenic that rides my bus to work in the morning screaming about Martians while smelling of Colt 45 and discarded coffee filters. This is not your father's Clark Kent. It's really not even your older brother's Clark Kent. Although he's fairly self assured, old fashioned like you're used to and quickly gaining control of his abilities, he's headstrong, he comes home to his hovel of an apartment, pats his landlady on the forehead and makes silk thin excuses about why he looks like he's been kicked in the face by Optimus Prime all while using his dual identity to help him in his career at a respectable newspaper (sound like another superhero you know?).

          Most of the supporting characters are as they always have been. Lois Lane is tenacious although tunnel minded and misguided, Jimmy Olsen is...following Lois, Sam Lane wants to kill Superman for saving people and Lex Luthor wants to help him do it (kinda). I'll say this: Morrison writes a damn good Lex. Much like in All Star Superman and Earth 2, he wrote a condescending, arrogant douchebag who treats life and people like a game of chess. There's also plenty of action here as Morrison allows Clark to cut his teeth taking on corrupt captains of industry and running (literally) from the cops. Rags Morales handles the kinetic pacing well although facial expressions leave a bit to be desired in the non action oriented beats. It's not quite as kooky as I expected from the guy who gave us Professor Xavier's evil twin, Batman's pompous douchebag son and whatever the hell he gave us in Final Crisis, but judging by the way this first issue ends, you can tell it's building towards something psychotic and indicative of the Grant Morrison we all know and love. Bottom Line: Nice art, fast paced action, decent (re)introduction of characters....a fun ride. 8 out of 10.

My First Foray Into the New 52: Justice League #1

           Okay, I should probably start this off with the obvious fact that I find the whole idea of DC rebooting their whole universe (for, I believe, a fifth time) to be stupid. It's the one trick they know so they just keep doing and it never sticks. Love it or hate it, there's a lot of hype around this initiative and the first book they trotted out is, of course, Justice League. Now, I'm not opposed to JL being rebooted because I've hated the title since Dwayne McDuffie (who will be missed...R.I.P.) was fired from writing it. For all intents and purposes, this should be DC's flagship title and Geoff Johns creates a feeling that it's what the book is going to be. In this incarnation, our heroes don't know each other and don't seem to trust (or maybe even like) each other either and the public seems to share this sentiment. There was a lot of focus on Batman and Green Lantern which gave it the feeling of a slightly edgier episode the Brave and the Bold cartoon. The back and forth dialogue between the two, introducing their personalities to us makes the book feel a little slow despite the action. We also get an introduction to another member of the team (pre-powered) whose purpose for being on the flagship team I've yet to figure out (probably because I've never been a fan of this guy). The thing that troubles me so far is that our superheroes don't really come across as heroes. It seems like a bunch of macho people getting dressed up to go looking for something to punch (some of whi.ch do so in the third person...ugh), only performing gestures to protect the status quo as an afterthought. Part of this is probably because of Jim Lee's decision to limit the emotional range of the  faces to frown and half smiles. All in all, the banter was fun, the action was acceptable, and Jim Lee did what Jim Lee does but the characters feel like they could soon become an attempt at competing with Marvel's Ultimate Universe....which is not what we read DC for. Not quite legendary, but a decent start. 7.5 out of 10.

P.S: about the cover...why does Superman look 17?

God is NOT a Mascot....

      In the aftermath of Rick Perry's Christapalooza over the weekend, it's become official (though argubly it's been this way in Texas for years). The name "God" has taken a seat with the pantheon of brand names such as Nike, Twitter and Ed Hardy. The minds of the unwashed masses are being fashioned into contortionist marionettes to be bent and folded to fit into ideological boxes labeled "Jesus" on the outside while the insides look like voting booths. We tape our own eyelids open as we are led through neverending halls of scripture laced rhetoric until we are supposed to believe that huddling together in a football stadium where "men of God" who wear racism as undershirts and masturbate to pictures of beaten homosexuals and burning Qurans convince us that the solutions to the problems of the day are found once we fall to our knees, lower our heads in silent prayer. Silence is never the solution. In fact, silence is an accomplice to the problem. Let me rephrase: YOUR silence is an accomplice to the problem.

                According to the University Star, tuition between 2003 and 2008 rose 51 percent. "Well, damn, Oz!!! How did that happen??" Glad you asked. Pastor/Governor Perry supported a bill to deregulate tuition at public universities in Texas so that schools like U of H can charge whatever they think a U of H education is worth. That way, they can pay for all sorts of unnecessary accoutrement such as an on campus Chili's, a karate dojo and an on campus sex shop (or was that one of their frat houses? I can't tell the difference...). Texas colleges have become corporations because of an asshole that you didn't have the good sense to vote out of office. And a bible won't solve that problem; civic awareness does. And THAT isn't in the Good Book, either. It's in a damn newspaper. It's frivolous, thinly veiled political stunts like prayer rallies that bring me to the inevitable conclusion that in America, God is not a deity, he is a mascot, another entity to wrap in the American flag as if Jesus has a tattoo on his ass that reads "Made in America."

                 The real irony behind Perry's prayer meeting, pretentiously titled, "The Response," is that it's not really a response if your greedy, narrow minded activity is what's causing all the questions. It's just called "cleaning up your mess" and it's going to take more than getting your mother's bridge club together in Reliant Stadium to sing "My God is An Awesome God." It's going to take people like me and you to turn off Love and Hip Hop for a few minutes to get up and hold this asshole accountable.  Email, snail mail the representatives of your districts. Let them know you're watching them. And not just Perry, but the "leaders" of your religious communities, the ones stealing your money and using million dollar helicopters as their getaway cars, the ones standing outside of abortion clinics while sweeping their illegitimate children under the rugs, the ones camped out at soldiers funerals with signs that read "God Hates Fags" while going home to face-fuck your daughters and blow your sons. God is your hearts, not in the words of hypocrites and businessmen on government pensions, but then again, I could be wrong.

Ways for Bad Movies to Be Better Part 2....

Transformers 3: All popcorn, Icees and other snacks should all be laced with LSD in advance. At least then, there's an excuse to not understand what the f**k is going on and you have a good high to show for so many shiny things exploding for no reason in the same two hours. Then, youtube reactions afterward would be so much funnier. "Whoa, why did the Icee taste like Dimetapp? I kept seeing Leonard Nimoy with a metal face everywhere."

Green Lantern: You shouldn't even have to watch this movie. After you park your car, someone should hand you a pair the 3D glasses. After you put them on, Ryan Reynolds will paint his hand green and punch you in the face while Mark Strong just snatches your ten bucks out of your pocket.

Green Hornet: You should have an option for Seth Rogen to sit outside the theater and just tell you the entire movie. It's pretty much the same as watching him prattle on screen while Stephen Chow kicks the sh** out of everyone.

Takers: Everytime Chris Brown is supposed to say a line, he should just krump dance battle with Columbus Short. Also, you should get a coupon for a free Banana Republic sweater so that all the product placement won't be in vain.

Salt: After the first hour, there should be a QR code at the bottom of the screen that links you to a free subscription of How to Get Famous by Pouting.

Ghost Rider: Nicolas Cage should kill himself at the beginning. I'm not talking about the actual story. I'm saying Nicolas Cage should kill himself.

Things I Learned Watching The Green Hornet Film

1. Apparently, pulling the head off of a child's generic superhero action figure is proper negative reinforcement for getting your ass kicked on a playground.

2. James Franco will appear in just about anything.

3. It seems even owning a newspaper isn't enough to keep your own son out of it.

4. Coffee only tastes good if a 4 foot Asian man brews it in a machine made with what looks like a motorcycle engine.

5. Edward James Olmos makes the most ominous editor-in-chief ever.

6. Being a disgustingly rich heir to a newspaper empire means you're "dead already."

7. Seth Rogen is the same character in every movie he's ever been in.

8. Kato, it seems, is secretly the Six Million Dollar Man.

9. Getting your ass kicked in middle school totally qualifies you to take on the underworld.

10. It's always a good idea to call someone who can beat you to death three times over...."Short Round.

10 Reasons I've given up having intellectual discussions with large groups of black people.....

1. Michael Vick: In the wake of Casey Anthony being acquitted of killing her own daughter (which she did...sorry), in their understandable rage, many black folks went and pulled the Michael Vick Argument out of their a*ses. You've heard the Michael Vick Argument: "Michael Vick went to jail over some dogs but (enter guilty white person here) gets off scott free!" Dear black people, get over that sh**.  Michael Vick was guilty.  For the unwashed masses, guilty means that HE DID IT.  Seriously, why do we consistently stand up for guilty people just because their black?  As we speak, I bet Mumia Abu Jamal is probably wondering why nobody on 106 and Park is wishing him well and praying for his family the way the do Lil Wayne and T.I.!  In fact, if the justice system is so damned racist, allow me to offer some advice concerning how to stay away from the long arm of the law: DON'T F**KING COMMIT CRIME!!!!!  It works.  It's worked for me for years.  Moral of the Story: Every black person behind bars is NOT Geronimo Pratt!

2. Barack Obama: Get off this man's back! YOU voted for him! It's not his fault you thought he was a magic negro like Bagger Vance or Morgan Freeman!!!

3. Soulja Boy: I am so tired of people STILL bashing Ice-T for telling Soulja Boy to "eat a d**k" because his music is pre-packaged pop-hop bullsh**.  Shortly after, this little sambo put on his best Tiny Tim act and chastised T, a grown man, as if he is just an innocent little boy trying to make a living through wholesome songs like "Girl, Shake That Booty Meat."  Let's face facts...he's not exactly Justin Bieber.  I mean, do you know what it really means to "Superman that h*e?"  The fact of the matter is he put himself in a man's place the moment he started talking like a man.  No matter how far our celebrities fall, we will always find a way to make excuses for them, but anytime our politicians (Obama) say something we can't understand or doesn't have a magic wishing like we thought when we voted for them, we take them out back and beat the sh** out of them. Just because Soulja Boy makes a lot of money does NOT mean he's successful and anybody who says otherwise has never seen Hollywood Shuffle or Bamboozled.

4. Tyler Perry: Blackface is blackface. (borrowed from Mr. Marcell Murphy)

5. Eddie Long: Some of you are confused. He's a preacher. He's a community leader to some, his occupation is training his people in the teachings of the Bible, but he's NOT actually Jesus. Therefore, you can't put him on the cross like one.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not taking up for him. I believe wholeheartedly that he f**ked those kids, but he's not your deity. Preachers are just people trying to be into Heaven. Some may do a better job than others just like any other profession.

6. Harry Potter: This is for the batsh** crazy old black women. This may come as a shock to you, but there's no such thing as magic. Hence, there's no such thing as Harry Potter or the Dark Lord Voldemort. So stop telling your children that these stories are perpetuating witchcraft and devil worship. People can't really fly. Does that mean Superman is perpetuating witchcraft too?  Wendy Williams is a tranny.  Does that mean she's perpetuating the deconstruction of gender roles?  There is no way humanly possible you can have an intelligent conversation with needlessly superstitious. Put down the rabbit's foot, pick up a book and shut the f**k up.

7. Worldstar Hip Hop: Stop getting your "information" from the black blogsphere. This goes for Bossip, Mediatakeout, D.I.M.E Wars and all the other black versions of TMZ out there. On a bad day, half of them are wrong and on a good day, the other half are cluttered and impossible to navigate like those old Geocities web pages. I think it should be a rule that if you get your (I'm going with the word...) "information" from a website that has more than three viral videos in which a hooker, drunken club goer or babymama are having throwdowns on a bus, a fastfood joint or random parking lot, kill yourself quickly and quietly before anybody realizes you're gone. You see, these sites don't get credibility from providing actual news. They gain it through the amount of clicks/views/hits you provide. As a result, they only have to be as credible the headline it takes to get you, the unwashed masses, to click the link. You know, they do have rectangular objects like books and newspapers that people have been getting information from for decades. Centuries, in fact. You don't even need to download an app to read them. You will, however, have to leave the house.

8. Illuminati: Okay, Kanye West is weird. We all know that. But just because he did a video with a giant light bulb shaped like Michael Jackson's head, that does NOT mean he's a member of the Illuminati. Same goes for Jay-Z, Drake and Lil Wayne. I don't know exactly what started this stupid  phenomenon where rappers are members of the Illuminati....oh, wait...I know what it was. Some stupid youtube video. If you're citing a youtube video as your credible source in an argument about something older than outdoor plumbing and Abe Vigoda...kill yourself.  Okay, let me break it down. This is a secret society that has been a secret for centuries. All we can really do is speculate given the information we have to work with which isn't much, but this much seems certain: The Illuminati deals takes powerful men into its ranks. For the unenlightened, the key word is power. That means presidents, prime ministers, industrialists, men of intellectual and scientific acumen. WHAT THE F**K DO THEY NEED WITH A RAPPER??? Do they want an advance copy of Drake's mixtape??  Despite the disproven yet time honored fallacy in our community, hip hop and rap are NOT at the center of the universe.  The only thing all this talk has accomplished is giving minorities an excuse not to show up at the voting booths. "Well, my vote doesn't matter because the Illuminati controls everything anyway." Please.

9. Willie Lynch: This is, maybe, one of the most infuriating reasons on the list. Every time a black person points out another black person f**king up, all of a sudden, they're accused of playing into the teachings of the Willie Lynch address.  I bet he didn't count on his lessons of slave breeding being used by black people as the world's greatest copout. People who wear their pants on the ground, to paraphrase General Larry Platt, "look like fools with their pants on the ground."  Playing four hours of meaningless music, two hours of redundant courtroom shows that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry, four hours of reality television that may as well be hosted by Tyler Perry and five to seven minutes of news is NOT being part of the great black solution (I'm looking at you, B.E.T.). But anytime you try to point this out, all of a sudden, it's black on black crime!!! I'll tell you a little secret: White people parade their idiocy too; it's called TMZ.  Hispanics put their foolery on display too; it's called Mind of Mencia. Japanese people do it as well on every insane game show they've ever come up with. Someone telling you you're f**king up is NOT an Uncle Tom. It's someone telling you you're f**king up.

10. Steve Harvey: I was talking to a group of women recently who raked me over the coals for calling the author of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" a blithering idiot of a court jester who can't venture out of the house without looking like a supervillain game show host let alone tell a woman how to not to get screwed over by men. First of all, HE'S A COMEDIAN!!!!  What part of being a comedian qualifies him to be anyone's relationship therapist? That's like the lady who delivers my mail everyday piloting Voltron or Glenn Beck fixing my cable! Furthermore, he's a comedian on his second or third marriage....WITH (correct me if I'm wrong) THE FORMER MISTRESS!!! Second, just like no woman can tell a man how to be a man, no man can fully expound on what it is to be a woman. He can only tell you what he and men like him (all three of them) want a woman to be. Third, buying into his gauche brand of bullsh** requires conceding to his idea that women are stupid for believing that there are men out there who don't have "ulterior motives in matters of courtship.  Yet when you point this out, you hear..."Well, that's true in my experience." The real killing blow of the matter is that Harvey is counting on you saying this so the brainwashing sets in. A word of advice: If that's really true in your experience, get new experiences.