All Men Must (And Probably Will) Die

Okay, guys...so, this post is mainly about the first episode of Game of Thrones. I have a feeling I'll be writing a LOT about Thrones considering that I have an unhealthy obsession with this show and these last two seasons are going to be pivotal. Anyway, there are HUGE spoilers after the jump. Just so you know. Big spoilers after the jump. That's twice I warned you about spoilers after the jump. Three times, now.

Whole squad decked out in that Maleficent spring line.

So, Game of Thrones is back. The first episode is of this slightly abbreviated season has come n gone and I’ll be honest with you folks. I’m genuinely terrified for the well being of basically ALL of the men on this show. Granted, this show has never shied away from making sure you know that every character is always eligible for the chopping block. However, as we come closer to the end of the story and the women rise higher in the power rankings, we start to remember that one of the recurring phrases in this show is “All Men Must Die”.

Really, Grey Worm should be considered at the front of the line for the gallows but considering the short supply of non whites on this show and the fact that he’s already skated out of death once, stating that he’s probably going to die horribly before the series is done is pretty much low hanging fruit, so we’ll move on.

Ser Jorah is not long for this world because even a George R. R. Martin character can only take so many Ls in a story before putting him down becomes a mercy. Dude has been exiled, sold into slavery, cursed to eventually die a gargoyle, exiled all over again only to end up in the contagious ward of the Citadel where Samwell Tarly (his simple ass doesn’t have much longer to live, either....the dude who wastes his time warning people who literally make him shovel shit doesn't really have the necessary self preservation instincts to play the Great Game) is working triple shifts as a medieval CNA to feed Wildling Juno and his stepson. How much more punishment can they put this man through?

Then there’s the King of the North, Jon “Impossible White Man” Snow who is clearly being set up to get played by his sister, Sansa, First of Her Name, Master of 1000 Bad Decisions. Since she’s gotten some bass in her voice now that Jon has her back, she seems to be under the impression that she’s still alive because of perseverance, courage and ingenuity and not by….accident and Littlefinger. She seems to be up Snow’s ass about being more worried about Cersei than THE VAST LEGION OF ICE ZOMBIES HEADED FOR THEM. Sansa is clearly blinded by having sat through the latest season of House of Cards and also being used as a pawn by the worst human being Westeros has to offer to a point where she thinks politics are going to matter when THE FUCKING ZOMBIE ARMY SHOWS UP to skull fuck everyone to death. As we’ve all seen by now, Jon is very likely to continue living by the code of honor his daddy-uncle Ned and brother-cousin Robb both died by. And granted, it’s worked out okay for him so far (other than that one time his own army jail shanked him) but even the Impossible White Man’s luck has to run out some time and Sansa has never been much of a good luck charm.

The dude I’m the most concerned about is poor Jaime Lannister. Here’s the thing, y’all. In the aftermath of her meteoric rise up the power rankings, his sisterbabymama, Cersei...is fucking losing it. Remember the final episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender where Zuko’s sister became Firelord and started banishing people for no reason, cutting her own hair uneven and talking to her (maybe) dead mother in the mirrors? That’s where Cersei’s headed. The Queen of the Two Point Five Kingdoms is obsessed with getting the other regions that are either in open rebellion or chaos back under her thumb. Again, in a subtle moment of foreshadowing, this is yet another character that doesn’t seem nearly concerned enough about THE FUCKING ICE ZOMBIES HEADED FOR THE WALL or the queen with GIANT FUCKING DRAGONS coming back to town to claim her shit. She won’t even admit that she drove her own son to suicide with her epic moment of mass murder in an effort to beat her court case. As far as she’s concerned, he “betrayed” her. That alone is evidence enough that she’s not wrapped too tight. If I were Jaime, I would have told that woman I was going up to street to pick up some weed and ended up taking the long way around. By “the long way around”, I mean stealing the first horse I could find and riding out to some remote part of a kingdom she doesn’t own and live the rest of my life reading and getting a job that only requires one opposable thumb. But we know this won’t happen. Jaime’s fatal flaw is that he has perhaps the second most conscience of his family (not that this is a high bar to clear) combined with the fact that he loves his family unconditionally. He didn’t give up on Tyrion even after he was tried in a farce for murder, sentenced to death and ended up killing their father. He damn sure won’t give up on his sister/ woman he’s fucking.

At this rate, the final round of the “Great Game” will be an all woman competition.