Me: Actually I gave up on Gotham after episode three.
Friend: Which one was that?
Me: The one that came third.
Friend: Yeah, but...good one....what was it about?
Me: It was Jim Gordon vs. Balloons
Friend: That was a vigilante whose motif was balloons. I thought you'd like that one.
Me: So, you thought I was drunk?
Friend: Are you telling me you weren't?
Me: No, I got drunk after it was over. To numb the pain.
Friend: So, what was wrong with the Balloonman?
Me: First of all, his name was Balloonman. You can't get away with a name that stupid if you're a MegaMan villain. Hell, he couldn't even get away with being a MegaMan villain because if MegaMan absorbed Balloonman's power, I'm pretty sure he'd refund it back to the guy.
Friend: "Excuse me, Dr. Wiley, I got this from your associates about a week ago. I don't have a receipt but it's just not what I thought it was and I'd like to see about getting a refund on it."
Me: "Well, young man, my associate should have made you aware of our five day policy for returns on evil robot powers clearly indicated in our terms of service....."
Friend: "Well, I'll take store credit. You don't have any free song downloads or some shit? Candy Crush lives? Nothing?"
Me: The thing about Gotham is that it's trying to be some hybrid of a Batman prequel and quirky procedural cop drama. In other words, it's trying to horde the CW and CBS audience at the same time. The problem is that it sucks at both.
Friend: But what about Kid Bruce Wayne? Batman before he even thought about being Batman. That's gotta be worth something.
Me: It would be if they actually bothered to write a character for this kid outside of "Bruce Wayne's parents got shot and he's been creepy ever since."
Friend: But isn't that how it basically went, though?
Me: Yeah, but there's a reason the other origin stories skip right to Bruce learning kung-fu and Sherlock Holmes 101. Because all an eight year old can do at that point realistically is really just pout and be a complete snot. Unless, you want to do a whole series about young Bruce Wayne solving mysteries. And Young Bruce Wayne Mysteries is essentially just Young Indiana Jones. And doing Young Indiana Jones without River Phoenix is a punishable offense.
Friend: But you write for a website that HAS to cover this kind of thing to know what's going on and all that.
Me: I write for a website where ONE of us has to cover Gotham. We are well aware of his sacrifice for the greater good. It's basically like he's Batman flying Bane's atom bomb into the ocean every Monday at 7 and we are grateful. But other than him, I think every other staff writer has basically washed their hands of the whole thing. I mean, there are just better things to do with my Monday night than wonder how much worse Jada Pinkett Smith's wig is going to be this week.
Friend: But you're not worried you're missing out on landmark comic-based media even if it's kinda bad?
Me: The last time I had that thought, I ended up watching several seasons of Smallville when three would have worked out just fine.
Friend: But Smallville was necessary. We needed to know that comic-based television could get if a show was left on the air years after its worn out its welcome for advertisment's sake.
Me: No, we didn't. We knew that already because that describes any CW show that lasts longer than two seasons that isn't Supernatural.
Friend: I'll give you that.
Me: But your point is that Gotham is necessary because we haven't had Smallville to remind us in a while?
Friend: Not really.
Me: So, what's your point in defense of Gotham?
Friend: I was defending Gotham? Oh, man, that show sucks. I just had a question.
Me: **sigh** Good talk, man.
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