.....About the Ninja Turtles Trailer

Friend: Have you watched the new Ninja Turtles trailer?

Me: Nope.

Friend: You wanna see it?

Me: The trailer? Not particularly.

Friend: Oh....

Me: You want me to watch it right now, don't you?

Friend: What makes you say that?

Me: You JUST sent the link to my inbox, man.

Friend: Well, I'm just curious about your take on it.

Me: You mean "I'm the only person you know who's nerdy enough to talk to you about this shit."

Friend: Pretty much.

Me: I need new friends. **clicks link**




Friend: It's sort of destructive for a Ninja Turtles movie.

Me: Right. Because any self respecting Ninja Turtles movie should always maintain a baseline destruction level of just crashing a Vanilla Ice concert.

Friend: Do you think they'll try that again? What would be the relevant equivalent of a Vanilla Ice concert?

Me: Probably a Justin Bieber concert. I sort of hope that happens in the movie.

Friend: I never had you pegged as a victim of Bieber Fever.

Me: I'm not. I just think if he shows up in this movie, it might speed up the countdown clock until he jumps the shark.

Friend: Good point.

Me: Wait...is that William Fichtner?

Friend: As the Shredder. Michael Bay wasted no time whitewashing this shit, did he?

Me: Well, let's see...an evil Japanese ninja overlord dressed in ginsu knives trying to destroy New York City? Oh, I'm sure the Asian community would just love that shit.

Friend: But then it's a white guy dressing up like someone we KNOW is an evil Japanese overlord trying to destroy New York City.

Me: Right, but it's William Fichtner, so he'll probably kill it regardless. And we don't exactly know how all that's been retconned since....and I can't stress this enough....this is a trailer and NOT THE MOVIE. I feel I have to remind you this trailer isn't the actual movie because the nerd rage about this trailer is in overflow as if this trailer were the movie. It's not the movie. I've now reminded you three times.

Friend: It's scenes from the movie we're going to see. We're seeing this, by the way.

Me: That door swings both ways. Remember the trailer for Jumper? That looked awesome. The end result was that movie being extremely non-awesome.

Friend: That doesn't count. Hayden Christensen was in it, so it was destined to fail.

Me: This movie has Megan Fox in it. Doesn't that make it sort of starcrossed?

Friend: Point taken.

Me: Thank you. I want expedited shipping for my trophy, please.

Friend: Those turtles sure seem REALLY superhuman.

Me: First off, they weren't human to begin with.

Friend: So, you're saying Michelangelo didn't start out as Corey Feldman?

Me: Well, as far as I know, the Turtles weren't mutated by cocaine so I'm going to say no. Second of all, they're MUTANT Ninja Turtles, so the rules of nature don't apply hardcore to them anymore than they do to Spider-Man.

Friend: I'm not so sure about the design of their faces. They're funny looking.

Me: Remind me how the old Turtles all looked like Ryan Gosling.

Friend: Well....

Me: That's sarcasm, by the way. They didn't. It's a little silly to complain that MUTANT anything is supposed to be pretty.

Friend: Sure, but do they have to look like Shrek?

Me: You're asking a lot from a movie with Megan Fox in it about Mutant turtles who are all basically Daredevil.

Friend: Well, what kind of nerds would we be if we didn't ask a lot from decent properties with ridiculous premises?

Me: Logical ones.

Friend: Okay...but who the fuck wants that?

Me: You have a point there.

Friend: Do I?

Me: No, not really.