Stuff I Read This Week Episode 32 or I Wonder If Alfred Got in On Obamacare....

Why do they look like contestants on
that old arcade game Smash TV?

All New X-Men #18: One of the prevailing subplots of Avengers Vs. X-Men was that the Avengers hadn't been around much while the mutant community was going through pretty dire straits facing extinction. Cyclops told Captain America that he always felt the X-Men were treated as the Avengers' redheaded stepchildren. It sort of seems like this is how Marvel treats them as well. I mean, let's face it....the X-Universe hasn't had a good crossover event since A vs. X and even that was touch and go for a minute there. Marvel doesn't know how to create constructive conflict between heroes without making one party into the one dimensional douchebag villain like the Tony Stark in Civil War. Hell, do what Toronto Mayor Rob Ford does and blame the media and the police. It would shake things up, at least. Battle of the Atom was decent but also underwhelming and anti-climatic in its own way, basically summing up what we already knew: There will always be humans who make life suck for mutants and it's going to make some mutants into bitter old mutants one day.

Fortunately, it gave us some decent fallout consequences. Brian Michael Bendis picks up the pieces left behind from all of the event's time travel shenanigans in the latest installment of All New X-Men. The issue deals mainly with Kitty Pryde and the "Original" team's transition in going to live at the New Xavier School with Cyclops and the Asshole Squad. Bendis does very well handling "in between" issues like this where some characters are put in a room with someone they wouldn't normally interact with under normal circumstances. Kitty and Magik's reunion is hilarious and somewhat touching if you know the history both characters share. Young Jean Grey's scene with the Stepford Cuckoos is priceless. Bendis has made the Once and Future Phoenix an interesting character again which is a feat I didn't think would ever be possible. Most writers had a tendency to deal with Jean in a very "time bomb" fashion which is cool but predictable. You know it's coming so it loses its "Holy Shit" factor. Bendis takes time to deal with her aggravation as a person and how that can spill over into her life as a blossoming mutant hero who keeps being told that she's headed for great and terrifying things.

Stuart Immonen's artwork is a welcome mainstay to the book's status quo. His love for expressing shift in tone through simple changes in shading is in rare form during a couple of pages of an exchange between Magneto and Young Beast. I also personally like how he draws Cyclops as opposed to the artsy version we've been getting in Uncanny X-Men where he looks less heroic and more like a slim Seth Rogen.

Bottom Line: A good book following up another lackluster X-event. 8 out of 10



Batman #25: It's hard to deny Scott Snyder has been winning with Zero Year, a "New 52" look at the beginning of the Caped Crusader. We're seeing a swashbuckler side of Batman we don't get to see very often that almost literally laughs in the face of danger, tells villain's they're and flies by the seat of his pants at moments. I would never have expected to hear Batman tell a bad guy he's "so full of shit." This issue mainly takes place during the aftermath of a massive blackout compliments of the Riddler.

However this installment in particular doesn't deal much with Edward Nygma. The central villain this time out is the (let me emphasize this) FUCKING CREEPY Dr. Death, whose horror themed killing spree is every bit as unsettling as his...well...face. Seriously, these are a couple of the eeriest looking crime scenes I've seen in a Batman book in some time. Snyder handles the detective stuff well without getting bogged down in it and also keeping the more action oriented readers engaged. After all.... Sherlock Holmes + swashbuckling = Batman. This series has been really good for tender moments between Bruce and Alfred. While Batman is having the time of his life trying out new gadgets and dodging the cops with ease, you can visibly see instances when Alfred is thinking "Goddamnit, what did I sign up for?"

The hues implemented in the artwork are simply amazing. It's nice to see a Batman book that can maintain a dark vibe while still not being afraid of splashing some color in here and there. Greg Capullo has a flair for the macabre and loves making his reader a little uncomfortable as is evident in Dr. Death's full reveal at the end. Also, his Batmobile design brings a wonderfully old school adventure feel to the beginning of the issue that made me laugh of sort delightful laugh that makes people think something might really be wrong with you in public.

Bottom Line: Scott Snyder can't lose. He's got Batman down almost to a science. 9 out of 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 31 or Superman Shouldn't Be Stealing Supergirl's Poses

Superman/Batman #5: If this weren't a DC Comics "New 52" title, I'd actually be able to feign shock at the fact that this book went from "good" to "sucks" in the time it takes (enter obligatory Rob Ford crack binge joke here). Greg Pak and Jae Lee opened this story up so strong with a story arc that had everything from body snatching trickster demons and time travel to magic world-ending crystals and Lois Lane firing sidewinder missiles at Wonder Woman. Granted, it got a little convoluted for a minute, but it was mostly a strong story. Now, Pak has teamed up with Brett Booth for a whole new storyline that....well...umm...just

isn't up to par.

The second thing you notice (I'll get to the first thing later) is that this story picks up where the Caped Crusader and the Man of Steel have now been working together for 5 or 6 years which is odd considering the book just wrapped up a story revolving around them meeting for the first time. It's off-putting and makes the whole thing feels rushed in an effort to get the timeline up to speed with the rest of "New 52" continuity. The duo encounters Hiro Nakamura (Toyman...except renamed Toymaster) in the midst of an "evil video game" caper. I'm not kidding. This issue is about an evil video game. Let that sink in. Now, that its sunk in, amazingly enough, THAT'S not the biggest issue with this book.

One of the main attractions of this series has always been the internal narrative that depicts how Superman and Batman respond to one another's crimefighting methods and logic. That's still here in this incarnation except the banter between them feels like bickering teenagers. If there'd been no action beats throughout the issue, it would have read like an episode of Pretty Little Liars. Superman actually admitted he was "trolling" Batman. Look, I understand that DC's been trying to make a more modern Clark Kent by making him a mild-mannered blogger who dresses slightly hipsterish, but Superman, the moral standard for all other heroes, should not be saying shit like "trolling." He's not supposed to completely feel like one of us when he's in the uniform. He's supposed to be the guy that people strive to be like. I shouldn't open a comic with Superman in it and feel like I'm going to see him texting Wonder Woman with an "LMAO."

As for the art, it could be that I'm still on a Jae Lee high from the last issue, but Brett Booth's renderings of people seemed unsteady and awkward. There was a eyesore of a panel where Superman, while flying, seemed to be posing as if he were laying on the beach auditioning to be America's Next Top Model. Just because Rob Liefeld is still getting work does NOT mean we're supposed to be emulating him. The next time you see Brett Booth on the street, take this issue and rub his nose in it like you're paper training your german shepherd.

Oh, and the way the cover is depicted above? That isn't a mistake. That is the very first thing you notice that's wrong with this book. You have to turn the entire thing sideways because it's done in "widescreen" format. I don't understand how this was supposed to enhance the experience....but it didn't. This is a fundamental example of DC getting something wrong just for shits and giggles. This is also why regular books (which have been around for centuries) are not turned on the sides to read. It's not fun, it's not convenient. It's a pain in the ass. It's just another drop in the bucket of annoying things about this book. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Bottom Line: If you really want to get your Christmas shopping out of the way right now and you don't feel like buying anymore Snuggies for your in-laws....here's your stocking stuffer. 4 out of 10.


Amazing X-Men #1: Okay, we're officially getting to the point where there are too many goddamned X-Men titles running again. Every few years, some event or another is used as an opportunity to streamline the X-universe to a couple of strong titles that intertwine here and there. Then, three months later, X-Men books start coming out of the pipeline like running water until you go to the comic shop each week, saying...."Wait, there's another one? How long has that one been out?" If the X-Men were real employees of Marvel, Cyclops and Wolverine would be locked underneath the building hand sewing Avengers beanies for 75 cents an hour. However, this book show some promise. It seems to have the right things going for it: Jason Aaron, Ed McGuiness and the return of Nightcrawler. That was enough to get me interested.

The story starts out focusing on Nightcrawler's life after death, pining away for the good old days even in Heaven (the little we see of it looks gorgeous, by the way). Meanwhile, back at the Jean Grey school, Aaron sweeps the cobwebs off of Firestar, whose starting her first day as an instructor. There's not much different in the format in this book and that of Wolverine and the X-Men. There's a big focus on the hilarious dysfunction of the mutant school whose security system spins a little more out of Beast's control everyday, it seems. The lighthearted yet fantastic aspect really seems to work well for Aaron. The character interactions are hilarious while, at times, a little unsettling. I'll never quite get used to the thought of Wolverine and Storm flirting. My flesh crawled a little bit just writing that last sentence. Firestar, however, seems a little out of place for this team, but I'm willing to go along with it for now. Nightcrawler, on the other hand, is as fun to read as ever and the character seems to be having as much fun adventuring as the reader does watching it play out.

Ed McGuiness' art does a great job of capitalizing on Aaron's exaggerated, silly style. There's an attention to detail on every panel that's so gorgeous, it makes me think that McGuinness might be a robot (Robot Ed McGuiness might have made Prometheus watchable). The two best looking moments come when 1). Nightcrawler gets his swashbuckling, pirate fighting groove back and 2). when Beast swears deadly vengeance on the little "bamf" creatures that have relieved him of his beloved coffee-maker.

Bottom Line: It's funny, it's smart and GODDAMN, it looks great. I'm in. Oh...and thanks for bringing Nightcrawler back. Shit was getting somber for a minute there. 8 out of 10

A Brief, Random Meditation on Clones....

The other day, I found myself with a huge workload on my plate at the day job that made me wish I had the ability to produce clones. I recalled how I'd heard many people wish there were more of them so they could be in several places at once. I mean, Hollywood kind of romanticizes the idea of clones/doubles, but every now and then, even THAT gets creepy. I mean, we all saw the Prestige. If clones didn't end well for Wolverine, they probably won't end well for anyone else.



Does anyone really want another "you" hanging around? Think about yourself for a second. I mean, really take a look in the proverbial mirror. You like yourself. In fact, you LOVE yourself and that's a good thing. We should all love ourselves. But because of this fact, we note and overlook our flaws. After all, "it's ME and I can live with me." Yes, you can. Until you actually have to live with you. Having said all that, the more I think about it, I really don't see how I or, ultimately, the world would benefit from making anymore of me. I can see it now.

Clone: Hey.

Me: Hey.

Clone: You read the blog today?

Me: It so happens I did slightly better than reading my blog. I, in fact, wrote my blog.

Clone: Yeah, about that....refresh the page.

Me: All right...wait...what is this?

Clone: I rewrote it a little.

Me: Why?

Clone: Well, first I had some ideas for a better joke in the second paragraph. Then, the only way the joke was going to make sense was if I changed the first paragraph. Then, I thought of a whole different....

Me: In other words, you rewrote it a lot.

Clone: That's one way to look at it.

Me: As opposed to....?

Clone: Since I'm you...maybe it's turns out you're a lot funnier than you thought you were.

Me: And a little more a dick than I thought I was, too.

Clone: See? Self-discovery! Silver lining.

Me: How did you even log in to my account?

Clone: Well, I know the password....

Me: ....because you're me. I get it. You don't have to do the "Because I'm Batman" face, you smug fuck.


The other primary problem with me having a clone would, in all likelihood, be our inevitable butting of heads over my private life.

Clone: So I've been thinking.

Me: About?

Clone: About what it would take to pull off a convincing "you."

Me: Okay....?

Clone: I think I have what it takes.

Me: I can't imagine why.

Clone: I'm just saying...I've been reading about method acting and really becoming a character.

Me: If I'd bought you in a store, I swear to God I'd be checking the receipt.

Clone: What?

Me: You don't have to get into being me. You ARE me.

Clone: No, hear me out. If I were to, for example, maybe spend an evening interacting with someone you know....

Me: Oh, for fuck's sake....dude, we talked about this.

Clone: What?

Me: You want to be alone with my girlfriend.

Clone: Did I say that? I never said that.

Me: You've been pulling this shit all week.

Clone: That's not true.

Me: Last night....

Clone: ....was taken completely out of context. I made an honest mistake. I thought someone left the shower running and I just went to turn it off.

Me: WHO LEAVES THE SHOWER RUNNING FOR NO REASON???

Clone: Well...okay, I don't have a counter for that.

Me: I'm going to punch you in the face now.

Clone: You know, the argument could be made that this makes you kind of insecure.

Me: Is that right?

Clone: Think about it. You're worried about you stealing your own girlfriend.

Me: I'm not worried. Creeped out a little? Maybe.

Clone: I think you might have some unresolved issues we could....OW! OW! STOP HITTING YOURSELF, GODDAMMIT!!!!

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 30 or I Secretly Judge People Who Don't Read Saga....

Damian, Son of Batman #1: Just because a character is dead...and I mean dead as disco...doesn't mean DC can't and won't still make money off of them. After all, if something's related to Batman, Dan Didio will gladly put on a Super Mario costume and step on its head until coins spring forth from its flattened carcass. Therefore, it's only logical that we wouldn't have to wait long to get what is basically a "What If?" miniseries about what Bruce Wayne's problem child could have been. However, as a huge fan of this particular boy wonder, I was happy to give this one a shot.

What's curious is that Andy Kubert's series seems to overlook or forget a lot of what Grant Morrison offered us as far as Damian Wayne's development over the years. We don't get the Damian that went out in a blaze of glory against his mother's Leviathan syndicate in Batman Inc. We don't even get the (kinda) endearing scamp that antagonized Dick Grayson Batman in the early runs of Batman and Robin. Make no mistake this is a late teen version of the murderous douchebag kid we first met in Morrison's "Batman and Son." However, considering Kubert had been developing this years ago, it's not unforgivable that there would be some chronological inconsistencies. In the wake of Batman's death (which measured up to be less than a footnote), Damian starts down a path to avenge the caped crusader which is hinted to be his first step in assuming the mantle himself. But it's unclear whether this is the road to the version of Damian we saw in Batman #666....which is maybe the scariest Batman of all fucking time. Much of the narration is given via his electronic journal which, though understandable for a character attempting to follow in his father's detective footsteps, seems out of place since he does a lot of emoting. While I love watching a vengeful Robin going on a beserker tear through the Gotham underworld, I did find it difficult to connect to Damian. I mean, it's one thing for a little kid Robin to go around murdering and mouthing off to grownups when you know he becomes less of a dick in later issues, but being the same jackass he was then makes this guy sort of unlikeable.

Kubert's artwork, however, offers something to look forward to here, though. Despite Batman's pre-New 52 costume design (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), his sometimes overwhelming, seedy environments are just lovely. Some readers might miss the creepier, occult-ish touch from the pages of Batman Inc., but the character depictions are mainly compelling to look at.

Bottom Line: If you need a break from New 52 continuity and like watching Damian Wayne beat the shit out of bad guys for a bit, this might be worth a look. Not quite epic, but an okay read. 7 out of 10.

Saga #15: When you're a reviewer, there's actually such a thing as a comic book being "too good." I haven't reviewed Saga in a while because, honestly, it's a lot like being a weatherman in Houston during the summer. "Today's Forecast: It's still hot. See you guys in November." It's still going strong. It's still the best book in comics right now. Brian K. Vaughn and Fiona Staples still don't hesitate to push the envelope. It'd be hard to argue that the sheer effort and love that obviously goes into every page of this book, makes it, by leaps and bounds, the Game of Thrones of comics right now. If your book isn't this good, you probably shouldn't be doing it. I have a coworker who....I shit you not....bought copies of the first graphic novel volume and just randomly handed them out to his friends to get them started on the series. Some are comic book readers and some of them are not. They are ALL now hooked. That's what a good comic does.

This issue sees our outlaw lovers, Marko and Alana, giving some serious thought to their future and that of their baby, Hazel. We get some more juicy insight into Alana's Meanwhile, The Will finally makes a decision about what he's going to do with himself in the wake of a profound personal loss while yet again suffering a case of "wrong place/planet/solar system/galaxy, wrong time." One of the things that makes this series so profoundly compelling is the perfect medium it finds between dazzling sci-fi lore and relateable plotting. Sure, there are elements of alien culture and sword/sorcery and ogres with disturbingly large nether parts, but you have characters that you feel as though you've met before. You've known a woman like Alana who, while being fierce in her resolve to protect her baby, is NOT the person you would have thought would be a mother one day. Most people have had a friend like Marko, who just wants to be a good boyfriend/husband, but sometimes you get the sneaking suspicion his girlfriend/wife might be crazy. I've had eccentric, unconventional yet brilliant teachers like Oswald. And we've all known comfortably fanatical, self righteous douchebags like the TV Robot Head people Prince Robot and Countess Robot X. I've dated several. You know these people enough that you almost yell out "Oh, come on, man!" and "Lady's got a point, dude" as you're reading.

Fiona Staples artwork is so consistently incredible, it's almost aggravating to not have anything bad to say at all about it.  Her characters' movements always look like they have actual personality and purpose, rarely just posing for the panel's sake. The settings seem alive at all times as opposed to just serving as backdrops. She knows exactly where her characters are in the scenes at all times. It's awe inspiring to gaze upon the work of an artist whose process is clearly a well oiled machine of a creative process.

Bottom Line: Beautiful drawn, nuanced characters that....Wait, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU STILL WAITING ON ME TO SAY THIS BOOK IS GOOD?! HURRY UP AND BUY THIS SHIT!!! 9.5 OUT OF 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 29 or It Was Inevitable That Sheldon Cooper Would Become A Comic Character....

Superior Spider Man #19: Despite my numerous declarations that Superior Spider-Man sucks, I have to hand it to Dan Slott. The past few issues have been particularly awesome. The best thing Slott could do with this book is take a break from focusing on Doctor Spiderpus' champion level douchebaggery and do something heroic. The second best thing he could have done was resurrect Michael O'Mara, the 2099 Spider-Man for a good old showdown.

Having said that, it wasn't much of a showdown. In fact, you would think these two would have had much more to talk about even if it was in the middle of all time and space becoming unraveled (or whatever the actual conflict was in this story). Also, being from the future, why doesn't Future Spider-Man know that Peter Parker isn't really Peter Parker if all of this has already happened? In fact, the whole resolution to this time crisis seemed a bit anti-climatic, essentially giving Doctor Octopus another stage where he can call everyone inferior. The spiel has gone from Spider-Man being a weird mix of Batman and Sheldon Cooper to just outright being Doctor Doom in a different outfit. There are a couple of scenes where Spider-Man declares his unrivaled intellect and it just leaves you groaning "Oh, for fuck's sake, man." The great thing about Spider-Man has always been that he's semi-relatable and, despite him being a flawed character, you could see yourself having a beer with the guy. If you knew someone like Doctor Spiderpus in real life, you'd have pushed him down a flight of stairs or eaten the lo mein he kept in the fridge at work. I understand that Tony Stark and Spider Jerusalem prove there's a market for charming, douchebag do-gooders, but I don't see the point in reading about an unlovable hero whose day-saving seems completely incidental compared to him "bwahaha"ing all over the place.

Ryan Stegman's artwork is definitely something to marvel at (no pun intended). Although his rendering of "chronotons" screwing up time and space (I guess that's what was happening) make some of the panels feel a bit claustrophobic unnecessarily, he has a style that's just perfect for the 2099 environment. It actually makes you feel like maybe there could be an opportunity here to resurrect the old Spider-Man 2099. This story arc has been impressive and it could ended that way if Slott hadn't seen fit to cop out and once again leave the moral of the story being "Because I'm Spider-Man, bitch."

Bottom Line: I honestly thought there were enough unlovable jackasses on The Walking Dead that we didn't need to read about one in a Spider-Man comic. Sadly, I was mistaken. 7 out of 10.

Avengers #21: It's a fortunate thing that the Infinity event is coming closer to its end because there's only so many ways I can say "Goddamn, this is good shit!" Jonathan Hickman very clearly has a great appreciation for the sandbox of a universe he's been given to play in and it radiates off of every page whether it's a victory for the villains or a loss for the heroes.

This issue mainly deals with the aftermath of Thor's bold stand against the Builders and the liberation of Hala, the Kree homeworld. There are definitely things to like about how Hickman has handled this. For one thing, despite the fact that it's usually enjoyable to see the reverence alien civilizations show towards Captain America, I found it a nice change a page to focus on a character whose general opinion was "You know, that was kind of a dick move." Another great thing about this issue is the return of Captain Universe to the battlefield in a semi spectacular fashion. Some people don't like that there wasn't much of the actual Avengers in this issue, but I actually appreciate that. A theme that Infinity highlights well is that Earth and, by extension, the Avengers are not the center of the universe and when they are, it's usually not in a good way (this means you, Kanye West). There are characters in the galactic Marvel U who believe that Earth is the Wild West of space and will eventually lead to the whole of creation being wiped out probably by accident and that deserves some exploration, too. Also, there are too many non-Avengers that play a role in this story to not highlight them.

To the surprise of absolutely NOBODY, Lenil Francis Yu's artwork hits all the right marks here. The real treat here was the scene in which (minor spoiler...sorry) the Alliance lets loose the Annihilation Wave... goddamned Annihilation Wave upon an almost victorious Builder fleet.  You have to appreciate Yu's penchant for crafting a good "holy shit" moment.

Bottom Line: If you want an Avenger focused book, it might feel out of place, but this is still really good sci-fi storytelling. 8 out of 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 28 or Maybe DC Will Give Kanye and Kim A Comic.....

Batman #24: As much as I disliked the idea of yet another origin story for Batman (as if there haven't been plenty already), Scott Snyder has managed to breathe new life into the Dark Knight's beginnings, giving us a much different Bruce Wayne than we're used to. Over the years, we've grown used to a young man who wasn't terribly youthful in the wake of his parents' death. Zero Year gives us an brash, impulsive hero who is far less premeditated than the once we've come to know. What Daniel Craig and Casino Royale did for the James Bond mythos is what Snyder has done for Batman here.

This issue (mostly) wraps up the threads of the first story arc that has been mainly dedicated to Batman's one man war against the Red Hood Gang. Some reviewers haven't liked Red Hood One as an opening foil for young Batman, but I think he's created the perfect dichotomy for the kind of reimagined origins Snyder wants to convey. A villain who seems to have the entire city under control through merciless resolve and meticulous plotting is the perfect challenge for a young, headstrong vigilante fighting like he has nothing to lose. At the same time, we also see Bruce learning the importance of creating a larger than life legend around his alter ego, something for cowardly and superstitious criminals to remember in the years to come.

Greg Capullo's pencils and Danny Miki's inking do not disappoint. Here we see a Gotham that resembles a flourishing city built on old money that hasn't quite had the chance to descend into madness just yet. The action scenes do a masterful job of lending themselves to the beginnings of a character creating a myth around himself. In the final ten pages, we also see a changing of the artistic guard with Rafael Albuquerque taking the helm on pencils, delivering a drastic but logical visual shift. The eerie, shady tones suit the change in narrative since we see a Gotham whose innocence is lost. In the birth of the Batman legend and the revelation of the necessity for Batman, there's no turning back for the people of the city. It's still a bit of a mystery what the end game of Zero Year is, but if we get more of what we've gotten so far, I'm in.

Bottom Line: A kinetic, exciting finish to an immensely fun story arc. 9 out of 10.

Infinity #4: We're past the halfway point of Marvel's big crossover and here in the fourth issue (of six), we finally see a turning point of sorts for our heroes. After four issues of the Avengers, the Galactic Council and Black Bolt barely holding their own against the seemingly insurmountable Builders and the mad titan Thanos, surviving through Trojan Horse scenarios and retreats, it's a welcome change of pace to see them (two characters in particular) making definitive stands, drawing lines in the proverbial sand in the fight for Earth. We also finally get a brief insight into the motivations behind the Builders' campaign through the universe. It's not quite as satisfying as what we've come to expect from Jonathan Hickman, but it serves as a decent enough explanation to keep us reading until their goals (I'm assuming) unify with those of Thanos. Also, without spoiling anything for you, this week in awesome.....Thor. I'm just going to leave that there. This issue does a much better job in offering a more comprehensive chapter that doesn't seem to need tie-ins as a supplement. HOWEVER, as I've said before, if you're not reading the corresponding issues of Avengers and New Avengers, you are missing out on some quality goddamned superheroing. After the revealed fallout of Black Bolt's actions in issue three, it's going to be interesting to see a). where New Avengers goes from here and b). the ramifications throughout the Marvel Universe as a whole.

The artwork here is still as strong as it's been throughout the series. Dustin Weaver and Jerome Opena are still delivering quality work on their respective fronts (Opena does the scenes in space while Weaver handles those that take place on Earth). Although the scenes in the hidden Inhuman city are gorgeous, the real standout treat here is how Opena depicts Thor's defining moment so far in the event. If your jaw isn't on the floor when you see one of the final pages, you don't love comics.

Bottom Line: The respective threats on Earth and in space shouldn't feel so divorced this late in the game, but still....Jonathan Goddamn Hickman strikes again. 8.5 out of 10

Superman/Wonder Woman #1: Superman and Wonder Woman being a power couple in the DC Universe is one of the most half-assed, unnecessary publicity stunts DC has ever pulled. And considering the fact that they've completely rebooted their universe at least three times now, that's saying something. There's no real point because, from what I can tell, NOBODY cares. I dare you to name three people you know that bought the issue of Justice League specifically because they heard the news that these two heroes were going to hook up. DC has gone from assuming that all of their readers are perverted 40 year old men to assuming that they're all tweens who read the Vampire Diaries.

So, of course, in the fallout of their biggest non-event, they have to squeeze a spinoff out of it the way television does everytime a Kardashian does something (or someone) else nobody cares about. Sure, there's a handful of action involving a villain that hasn't done anything of real mention since the 90s, but you have to first sit through Wonder Woman having girl talk about what a wet blanket Superman is and Clark Kent playing Bloggerman. Then, there's Clark and Diana having a date. The prevailing problem here is obvious. There is NO CHEMISTRY between these two to speak of. Their date even feels like two celebrities having lunch together as a publicity stunt very much like Kim Kardashian's month long marriage. Charles Soule is great with character development and building the contrasts between the two of them, but the whole thing is so clearly a force-fed stunt for visibility, Ryan Seacrest may as well be standing off in the distance on a red carpet asking them who they're wearing.

On the plus side, artist Tony Daniel's work looks fantastic. With the sort of costume he wears, the color palette and the size of him, Superman tends to dominate the panels they share, but Daniel draws a damn good looking Wonder Woman who occupies the happy medium between warrior and royalty. He manages to make her look like Superman's equal while still maintaining a very feminine look for her. My main complaint is the costume. For the most part, it looks really good, but why is she in HEELS again??? With the fighting she does in this issue, it just feels awkward and out of place.

Bottom Line: Despite being a good looking book, it doesn't do a very good job in dwarfing how unnecessary this hookup and, ultimately, this title actually are. 6 out of 10.

Why Superior Spider-Man Doesn't Work.....

For you to understand my take on Superior Spider Man, I have explain a thing or two about Breaking Bad and Batman.

Recently, Damon Lindelof wrote an essay for Vulture (that, due to spoilers, I couldn't read all of) in which he compared the transformation of Walter White's Heisenberg to Bruce Wayne's becoming Batman. He points out that while Walt's circumstances were certainly a factor in his evolution to a meth peddling mastermind, it wasn't really the cause. He was ALWAYS Heisenberg. Yeah, some guy in an alley orphaned Bruce Wayne and essentially robbed of his innocence at eight years old, but there are a LOT of people who lose their parents to gun violence. There are also a lot of people who contract cancer and can't pay for treatments. They don't dress like bats or resort to cooking illegal substances in an RV. Lindelof submits that these characters are special because their circumstances awaken something that's already inside of them, that their environment isn't the cause. It's the catalyst. The argument could be made that this is what we love about them. Regular shit that happens to plenty of people happened to them and they do something about it that everyday people simply don't have the balls to do.

After showing the essay to a friend of mine who is a Batman fan, she pointed out, "Yeah, but couldn't you say that about all heroes?" You could say that about most heroes, but not necessarily Peter Parker. Circumstances played a bigger part than people realize. His true transformation was more earned in a way. He had to learn how not to be a dick by being sort of a dick. He started out a mostly decent guy who people sort of marginalized and shitted on in high school. He got bitten by a radioactive spider and was improved physically.

Spider Man went on to take up a career as a television star to make money and then came the moment when he let a crook get away because...."Fuck him. Not my problem." This is kind of a dick move by any standards, really. Then, it turns out that same guy shot and killed his uncle. Granted, I'm sure more than a few kids screw up and inadvertently get someone they love hurt, but none of them had superpowers when they did it. Essentially, Peter was a good kid, got superpowers, was seduced by personal gain, failed and THEN became Spider Man. Now, this isn't necessarily a trope that has never been explored before, but it is the crux of why Spider Man works so well. He is the result of above average virtue through "everyman failure." Incidently, this is a big part of why Otto Octavius' "Superior" Spider-Man is so divisive among fans (myself included).

I should say, before going any further, that this is probably one of the most ambitious and gutsy moves Marvel has made in years. I mean....they killed Peter Parker. They didn't zap him back in time. They didn't send him off to the edge of the universe trapped inside a giant space bullet. They didn't ambiguously kill him using a crazy mutant's chaos magic so that he may or may not have really died. They killed him. It was one of the few moments in recent times I can remember a comic depicting a top tier hero's death rattle. And then, when the brain waves/ghostof/whatever came back to haunt Otto in an attempt to get his body back, they killed him indefinitely....again.

When his turn at being the web-slinger starts, Doctor Octopus has the best of intentions in carrying on Spider-Man's legacy, protecting his loved ones and a better hero than Peter was. This didn't last very long at all. First, to plant the initial seeds for his narcissism, he refurbishes his trademark "Octobots" into "Spiderbots" that survey the city for danger and alert Otto immediately via phone app. As cool (and sensible) as that is in theory, this is also sort of a dick move in a symbolic kind of way. Most apps, by nature, are tools designed for convenience, mainly making urgency an option for phone/tablet users. For example, there is a setting for the news app on my phone that alerts me to breaking stories as they occur. If there's a shooting in Bummerville, Middle America somewhere, I have the option of picking up my phone to know about it or putting it down and saying "It can wait." It's okay for ME to have that option because it's not my responsibility to go to Bummerville and stop the shooting. Spider Man shouldn't have the option of not going to fix shit. The whole point of a superhero is that urgency shouldn't ever be optional.

Nope. He went on to toss an old man (okay, yeah, it was the Vulture, but still) into a floodlight, shoot a defeated criminal in cold blood and beat up parkour thieves on YouTube. You would think he would pay some sort of price for this (someone important dying on his watch, losing his job, etc.) in keeping with the theme of power and responsibility. Nope. In fact, aside from a light tap on the wrist from the Avengers, Doctor Spiderpus faces little or no consequences for any of the douchebag things he does. He's rewarded with a grateful New York City (something Peter rarely had on his best day), a new girlfriend, a hollowed out prison as his public base of operations, his own private army and a giant spider mecha. I'm not kidding about that last part either. He has a giant robot. It could be argued that Otto is less on a crusade for justice and more looking to redeem his failed life through the same acts of arrogance and vanity that cloaked him in failure to begin with which isn't exactly the most heroic, altruistic or even likable of goals.

Batman has undergone some odd changes over the years, but a Batman fan opens up a Batman book and pretty much knows what their getting: a traumatized, paranoid obsessive zillionaire puts the fear of God into bad guys and plays the resident "Stop being a pussy" guy in the Justice League occasionally. People who read a Superman book know they're probably going to either get a superpowered slugfest or Superman talking suicide jumpers down off of ledges with hope and change. The theme of Spider-Man has gone from "with great power comes great responsibility" to "being a douchebag works." That works for Iron Man or the Punisher, but a change like that in a character like this is tantamount to Kanye West going from songs about working at the Gap to albums mainly about popping ecstasy pills and casual sex. Is that what Spidey readers of any age sign up for?

One of those parkour thieves he beat half
to death is a woman, by the way.
Real American Hero.

One can't help but feel this is indicative of Marvel giving into what Craig Lindsey referred to in another rogerebert.com essay as "jerk culture." This usually entails a book or movie entirely about intensely unlikable people you would probably not hold the elevator for in real life like the entire cast of The Hangover. And this is, more or less, why Spider-Man has fallen from grace for many readers. It's not that it's impossible to create good stories centered around repugnant assholes. Breaking Bad, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Seinfeld show that to be untrue. And I'm certain there are those who will use the argument that comics are an escape fantasy, so it's okay to live vicariously through heroes even when they're jerks, but to quote Lindsey, "We can be a crass, selfish, inhuman society sometimes." Maybe...just maybe...we could stand an escape from that, too.