Dear Logan: Thanks But No Thanks

Since I’ve been away working on other projects, one of the main things I’ve had people asking me about is the Logan, Fox’s final attempt at making a respectable Wolverine movie (since Hugh Jackman is finally tapping out after playing Wolverine for 17 years...feel old yet?). What do I think? Am I going to go see it? Does it look like it’s any good to me?

No. I’m not going to see it. Well...I’m not going to spend money on it.

Yes, I see that it’s rated R since (in the wake of Deadpool’s success) Fox has decided that the problem with their movies is that there isn’t enough blood and cursing. Yes, I see that they’re borrowing bits and pieces from the Old Man Logan graphic novel. And yes, I see that it’s gritty and Wolverine’s all bloody and explosions and desert and X-23’s in it.

The problem is that these Wolverine movies are like a terrible ex lover that keeps coming back, telling you it’s going to be different this time. They show up at your door with a different haircut, better clothes, a new job and they don’t smell like cigarettes and whiskey anymore. They even talk a little different, remembering everything you like. They spend a few minutes convincing you of how aware they are that they fucked up their last two chances with you. They swear up and down that if they had their chance they’d show you just how much they’d appreciate you. Then you let them in just a little bit for “just one drink”. The next thing you know, you’re alone at the bar while they’re in the entirely too small bathroom in the pub next door, going down on your best friend (terribly, by the way). That’s what these Wolverine movies are. They promise that the new one isn't going to be like the last one and oftentimes, it's not, but that doesn't stop it from being worse.

Maybe it’ll be fantastic. Maybe Fox has truly gotten its shit together. Maybe this will be the thing that turns the X-franchise around for the better. Hell, maybe we should just be happy Hugh Jackman is getting one last enormous check out of this shit sandwich. Maybe things’ll get better when they reboot and get wooden ass Sam Worthington to start playing Wolverine.

Either way...I’m pretty sure I’m not ready to love again. I’ve been hurt before. Also, my review of The Mighty Thor is up and available on Black Nerd Problems for your viewing enjoyment.

The Week In Geek 10/16/14

Since I didn't do a week in geek last week due to time constraints and the Day Job, I'll backtrack a little bit.

-The Flash premiered last week and I can tell you without going into a whole fleshed out review since there's a perfectly good one that I kinda disagree with over at BNP....it was incredible. Honestly, if DC is keen on creating a primetime television universe (excluding Gotham because it's turning out to be a shit show that will probably on get a second season before completely tanking), this was a step in the right direction. The show really serves as the perfect counter to Arrow, which comes on the night after. Whereas Arrow has made its name on being a much more intense "ultimate" version of the Green Arrow mythos (because the idea seemed to be it to be a primetime Batman surrogate), Flash is Arrow's more earnest counterpart which, incidentally makes for hugely entertaining television. And Jesse L. Martin does this show ALL OF THE FAVORS. I mean, sure we've seen Bill Sadler and Tom Cavanaugh do pretty well, but Martin's performance does laps around the whole rest of the cast. And they've wasted no time teasing us with the promise of assembling the Rogues and even Professor Zoom. This show is definitely going to be the one to watch this season.

-Last week, Marvel announced that it would be bringing back the Secret Wars next year. They put out this epic poster done by Alex Ross (The GAWD) that features what looks like this epic showdown between heroes and a lot of their alternate versions with nods to the Ultimate Universe as well as Supreme Power. Now, I'm not going to comment on the "Marvel has run out of ideas" fanwhining because that's just a degree of circular logic where nobody really wins. However, I WILL point out how funny it is that there was NO sign of the Fantastic Four or the X-Men in the poster. With Fantastic Four having already been cancelled, this really just adds to the rumor that Disney bigwigs are attempting to completely snub Fox, who owns the movie rights to both (FF, of course, has that movie reboot coming up in....you guessed it...2015). While it hasn't exactly been an official mandate by Disney OR Marvel, the signs certainly point to some truth in the rumor more and more as time goes on. And, sure, Marvel pours too much money in to X-books to every cancel those outright, the timing for them to kill Wolverine off seems extremely convenient as well. At this point, they couldn't get anymore overt if they had Leonardo Da Vinci himself paint Wolverine giving Fox the finger while slicing through a picture of Michael B. Jordan.


Anyway, my comic reviews for the week are available on Black Nerd Problems for your viewing pleasure. Also, check out my reviews for episodes 2 and 3 of Nightwing: The Series as well as my opinion piece on the announcement of a Suicide Squad movie slated for 2016. This week, I took a look at.....

Batman Eternal: Okay, I glazed over this point in the actual review, but....Batgirl has become downright thuggish and I LOVE it. You can also tell DC is really making an effort (for whatever that's worth with DC) towards retooling the gender politics in their universe when you have a dope moment like Jason Todd openly admitting that Batgirl has always been the most formidable of Batman's proteges. Dope moment. As far as progress goes, you have to give credit where it's due.

Uncanny X-Men: So, Bendis had to take a departure from the familial shenanigans in favor of advancing the plot a bit faster since there's another "MostPowerfulMutantEverUnlikeAnythingWeveEverSeenExceptForTheLastTimeAndTheTimeBeforeThat" at large, but it's still a really strong story arc happening. One story I noticed they seem to be conveniently glazing over is the revelation that Charles Xavier was married to Mystique and, evident from the All New Brotherhood's attack in All New, had a kid. Are we going to sit down and have a talk about how Raven Darkholme is apparently comics' most notorious rolling stone? Seriously, man....it's just getting weird at this point.

Stuff I Read This Week: The Stuff Returns

Guardians of the Galaxy #12: Refresher: In case you've missed it, Original Jean Grey (from the first days of the X-Men) is stuck in the present day, learning about the checkered future ahead of her. Of course, the Shi'ar is still pissed about how she grew up to kill a few planets...so they'd like to "talk" to her about that.

Marvel's crossover events don't always hit the bullseye the way they should (looking at you, Age of Ultron) and sometimes, if they go on long enough, they seem to lose steam (that means you, Battle of the Atom), but this one seems to have a wild card in that regard: Brian Michael Bendis. "The Trial of Jean Grey" story arc takes two titles that have flourishes during the Bendis era and amplifies the things that work the best about his books in particular. He likes to go back and highlight certain aspects of superheroes that comics, in their long history and often fast paced nature, glaze over.

Anyone whose read any X-comics in the past couple of years can see that Cyclops clearly has prevailing daddy issues (He's all "wah wah, my daddy was dead and then in space"....pussy). Now, it probably wouldn't be a great idea to have Grown Up Cyclops pissing and whining about his father, but watching Young Scott Summers experience catharsis while on his way to fight space aliens to save the future love of his life? Yeah, that might be kinda awesome.

Still, the BEST part of this issue was watching Gladiator and the dissent in the ranks of his Imperial Guard. Oracle is an intriguing character and works well, unwittingly serving as the Gladiator's nagging conscience. That'll definitely be a lot to see play out in the last two issues. Sara Pichelli and Stuart Immonen's respective art styles play well off of each other. Granted, Pichelli did the majority of the pencils, but the expressive faces came in very handy for this issue which featured some pivotal emotional responses.

Bottom Line: Although it took four out of six issues to get down to the titular event, Bendis has made some rather entertaining detours that make for an engaging crossover. 8 out of 10.

Origin II: Refresher: A look into the early beginnings of James Howlett aka Logan aka Wolverine's time in the wild, led to believe his feral nature left him unable to belong among civilization.

Okay, quite honestly, I have NO idea why this series needs to exist. In the past ten years or so, Wolverine has gone from being an enigma to being the most mysterious figure in the Marvel Universe that we know damn near everything about. We've seen some backstories in the past year that we were better off not knowing (Thanos Rising) and others that work purely off the steam of a good writer's fresh eyes (Batman's "Zero Year"). If ever there were a comic book character who NEVER really needs another flashback story ever again, it's Wolverine.

Having said that, this follow up to the decade old Andy Kubert masterpiece "Origin" is actually pretty good. In for Paul Jenkins is Kieron Gillen at the helm with Andy Kubert's artwork duties passed on to his brother Adam. The result is pretty satisfying. For the most part, it picks up where the first one left off with Logan silently living in the wilderness with wolves. However, as anyone who has ever read a Wolverine comic knows....peace doesn't last very long for this guy. This issue in particular highlights the bond forming between Logan and gentle hearted animal tracker, Clara as well as Victor Creed, the callous tool who come be known as Sabertooth.

This is an enjoyable read with framework comparable to that of Tarzan or maybe even Princess Mononoke. It serves as a nice break from the psuedo-superhero/father figure of the Jean Grey school we've known from recent years and reminds us of what's most intriguing about Wolverine in the first place. Adam Kubert's pencils manage to maintain his brother's aesthetic tone. Every panel looks extremely clean in a very old fashioned way we don't see very much of these days with some of the best facial expressions I've seen all week.

Bottom Line: Even though the concept as whole feels extremely "been there," it's still a really good read. 8 out of 10

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 31 or Superman Shouldn't Be Stealing Supergirl's Poses

Superman/Batman #5: If this weren't a DC Comics "New 52" title, I'd actually be able to feign shock at the fact that this book went from "good" to "sucks" in the time it takes (enter obligatory Rob Ford crack binge joke here). Greg Pak and Jae Lee opened this story up so strong with a story arc that had everything from body snatching trickster demons and time travel to magic world-ending crystals and Lois Lane firing sidewinder missiles at Wonder Woman. Granted, it got a little convoluted for a minute, but it was mostly a strong story. Now, Pak has teamed up with Brett Booth for a whole new storyline that....well...umm...just

isn't up to par.

The second thing you notice (I'll get to the first thing later) is that this story picks up where the Caped Crusader and the Man of Steel have now been working together for 5 or 6 years which is odd considering the book just wrapped up a story revolving around them meeting for the first time. It's off-putting and makes the whole thing feels rushed in an effort to get the timeline up to speed with the rest of "New 52" continuity. The duo encounters Hiro Nakamura (Toyman...except renamed Toymaster) in the midst of an "evil video game" caper. I'm not kidding. This issue is about an evil video game. Let that sink in. Now, that its sunk in, amazingly enough, THAT'S not the biggest issue with this book.

One of the main attractions of this series has always been the internal narrative that depicts how Superman and Batman respond to one another's crimefighting methods and logic. That's still here in this incarnation except the banter between them feels like bickering teenagers. If there'd been no action beats throughout the issue, it would have read like an episode of Pretty Little Liars. Superman actually admitted he was "trolling" Batman. Look, I understand that DC's been trying to make a more modern Clark Kent by making him a mild-mannered blogger who dresses slightly hipsterish, but Superman, the moral standard for all other heroes, should not be saying shit like "trolling." He's not supposed to completely feel like one of us when he's in the uniform. He's supposed to be the guy that people strive to be like. I shouldn't open a comic with Superman in it and feel like I'm going to see him texting Wonder Woman with an "LMAO."

As for the art, it could be that I'm still on a Jae Lee high from the last issue, but Brett Booth's renderings of people seemed unsteady and awkward. There was a eyesore of a panel where Superman, while flying, seemed to be posing as if he were laying on the beach auditioning to be America's Next Top Model. Just because Rob Liefeld is still getting work does NOT mean we're supposed to be emulating him. The next time you see Brett Booth on the street, take this issue and rub his nose in it like you're paper training your german shepherd.

Oh, and the way the cover is depicted above? That isn't a mistake. That is the very first thing you notice that's wrong with this book. You have to turn the entire thing sideways because it's done in "widescreen" format. I don't understand how this was supposed to enhance the experience....but it didn't. This is a fundamental example of DC getting something wrong just for shits and giggles. This is also why regular books (which have been around for centuries) are not turned on the sides to read. It's not fun, it's not convenient. It's a pain in the ass. It's just another drop in the bucket of annoying things about this book. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Bottom Line: If you really want to get your Christmas shopping out of the way right now and you don't feel like buying anymore Snuggies for your in-laws....here's your stocking stuffer. 4 out of 10.


Amazing X-Men #1: Okay, we're officially getting to the point where there are too many goddamned X-Men titles running again. Every few years, some event or another is used as an opportunity to streamline the X-universe to a couple of strong titles that intertwine here and there. Then, three months later, X-Men books start coming out of the pipeline like running water until you go to the comic shop each week, saying...."Wait, there's another one? How long has that one been out?" If the X-Men were real employees of Marvel, Cyclops and Wolverine would be locked underneath the building hand sewing Avengers beanies for 75 cents an hour. However, this book show some promise. It seems to have the right things going for it: Jason Aaron, Ed McGuiness and the return of Nightcrawler. That was enough to get me interested.

The story starts out focusing on Nightcrawler's life after death, pining away for the good old days even in Heaven (the little we see of it looks gorgeous, by the way). Meanwhile, back at the Jean Grey school, Aaron sweeps the cobwebs off of Firestar, whose starting her first day as an instructor. There's not much different in the format in this book and that of Wolverine and the X-Men. There's a big focus on the hilarious dysfunction of the mutant school whose security system spins a little more out of Beast's control everyday, it seems. The lighthearted yet fantastic aspect really seems to work well for Aaron. The character interactions are hilarious while, at times, a little unsettling. I'll never quite get used to the thought of Wolverine and Storm flirting. My flesh crawled a little bit just writing that last sentence. Firestar, however, seems a little out of place for this team, but I'm willing to go along with it for now. Nightcrawler, on the other hand, is as fun to read as ever and the character seems to be having as much fun adventuring as the reader does watching it play out.

Ed McGuiness' art does a great job of capitalizing on Aaron's exaggerated, silly style. There's an attention to detail on every panel that's so gorgeous, it makes me think that McGuinness might be a robot (Robot Ed McGuiness might have made Prometheus watchable). The two best looking moments come when 1). Nightcrawler gets his swashbuckling, pirate fighting groove back and 2). when Beast swears deadly vengeance on the little "bamf" creatures that have relieved him of his beloved coffee-maker.

Bottom Line: It's funny, it's smart and GODDAMN, it looks great. I'm in. Oh...and thanks for bringing Nightcrawler back. Shit was getting somber for a minute there. 8 out of 10