A Brief Opinion of Civil War

So, I finally got around to getting out to the theater to see Civil War yesterday (I waited a week so there'd be less humans and crying babies to trigger my Akira-like, rage powered telekinesis) and I'm going to go ahead and skip the obvious angle of comparing to the DC's latest dumpster fire, Batman v Superman because the comparison is almost insulting to Civil War which is, undoubtedly, the better movie on virtually every discernible level. I'm going to jump out there and say that this movie is the linchpin that makes the Captain America trilogy surpass the Dark Knight trilogy which, up to this point, was the Godfather of superhero sagas.

There are spoilers after the jump. Not a lot or even major spoilers, but there are spoilers there. So, yeah.

We Need to Talk About Batman v Superman

***MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!! THEY'RE MINOR BUT STILL***

So, I finally got around to heading to the movie theater to check out Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and umm....yeah, we need to talk about that.

The movie wasn't that bad, but it also wasn't that good. It looked fantastic. Zack Snyder knows how to create truly legendary looking moments in a way that pulls directly from comic book aesthetic. The problem is that as much as Snyder looks to the artform visually, he doesn't show that much respect for the stories structurally. Most of the actors were perfectly fine in their roles (except Jesse Eisenberg, who I'm convinced thought he was playing the Riddler), doing their very best with this Bernie Sanders hairdo of a script. Amazingly enough, Ben Affleck, who everyone was so worried about, was an awesome Batman. The issue wasn't really the cast, it was the fact that the creative team doesn't really understand the characters they're working with. In fact, I can see how Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman has been lauded by critics since she was the one character that Snyder fucked up the absolute least.  

A lot of the fanboys are on the whole "Batman doesn't kill" thing which we have to accept is bullshit and has always been bullshit in the context of Batman films. My issue is Batman and guns. To Batman...at least since the silver age, guns have always been a symbol of the crime that plagues his city and the thing that took his parents. In many ways, it's borders on a post traumatic experience for him. Dream or not, the visual of him gunning down flunkies is a little weird. Other than that, Affleck pulls off the duality of Bruce and Batman. Bruce Wayne is a damaged old man whose childhood night terrors conjure the Batman, an vengeful armored man-golem who drops down on superstitious villains like the Righteous Hand of God.

The plotline that worries me the most is this "People are scared of Superman" premise. If you're writing a story about how people are scared of Superman, you don't really understand the point of Superman. We're talking about a character who, despite being an alien, is the absolute pinnacle of human goodness. He's a beacon of hope. Hell, "hope" is literally written in a big red symbol on his chest. Superman inspires people to be their better selves. He loves humanity, sees the best in us even when we don't see it ourselves. The guy they have Henry Cavill playing has sad eyes all the time, is almost resentful of humanity (probably because his mother reinforces the antithesis of his father's idea that he owes his gifts to the world..."You don't owe this world a thing"....what the fuck kind of thing is that to say to a superhero?). The fucked up thing is that even with Snyder's Superman being tattooed with all these blantant misnomers and misunderstandings of the character, he still has to fight Batman for a plotline and some decent character development to call his own. In that regard, this movie is quite true to its title. Having said that, it's pretty obvious that Snyder is setting Batman up to be the leader of the impending Justice League which is also bullshit. Why the FUCK would a guy who commonly hides in the shadows, only comes out at night and employs fear and deception as his weapons want to lead what is almost certain to be the most visible, flashy group of peacekeepers their world will ever know?

I mean...what happened to this guy?

And I haven't even gotten to the ENDLESS plotholes left gaping wide by Snyder's compulsive need to have his characters positioned perfectly to play out the pretty scene he wants to see like a six year old setting up action figures in a playset just to bang them together and scream "BOOM" repeatedly. I think that's what I resent most about this movie: It reinforces the idea that just because they come from comics, all these sort of movies have to be is loud and obnoxious with heroes that aren't particularly heroic like Transformers. But in all likelihood, that's going to be this franchise's bread and butter if Dawn of Justice is the measuring stick.

Not Another Magic Negro Story

So, everyone who isn't at San Diego Comic Con has two big highlights in comics for the week. One of them was good, one of them was bad....both of them were Mark Waid's doing. Unbreakable, the one digestible film M. Night Shyamalan ever made, featured Bruce Willis as an invulnerable shmuck and at the other end of the spectrum, Samuel L. Jackson as the entirely TOO vulnerable intellectual. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Mark Waid's varying work this week: Archie #1 and Strange Fruit #1. Archie turns out to be genuine, endearing and heroic in a way you didn't expect like Bruce Willis' character while Strange Fruit is a brittle and ill-constructed constellation of good intentions like Samuel L. Jackson's character at the end of the movie screaming, "I am not a mistake!"

In other words, Strange Fruit is sort of terrible. Let's start with the fact that it's an "African-American myth" created by two white men. Don't get me wrong. I'm a fan of Mark Waid and up until this week, had not read a single bad book from him. In fact, the fact that his name was on this book is the sole reason I even considered picking this up was because his name was on it. But even with that in mind, haven't we been down this road before? Wait...what am I saying? We go down this road all the time. We go down this road so often, we don't need GPS. We don't even street signs as markers. We can just say, "Turn at the mailbox next to the Sit n Sleep billboard." I would like to feel like we've entered a different era of intellectual property where the need for two white creators coming up with magic negro stories to make sure we're all on the same page about racism being wrong would be long past. Then again, I would also like to think the need for Jurassic Park movies would be long past as well....and yet here we are. Jurassic World is in theaters and Strange Fruit exists.

The basic premise thus far is that there's a big flood coming and the black people aren't working fast enough for the white folks' liking because racism. On the other hand, the black folks would probably work a lot faster if the white folks would actually help out but we know that won't happen because racism. Oh, and some black guy may or may not have stolen from his white employer, but he'll probably get hung somewhere throughout the series whether he did it or not because racism. The names are unimportant and the character development is even less important than that (I'm assuming this is the case because there is virtually no character development) because it is clear right away that the only character you're supposed to be focused on is Racism. In the midst of all this, a naked black man falls from the sky. He's super strong and takes no shit off of these white folks on horses. He then puts on a Confederate flag because dem white folk ain't gonna take kindly ta him walking around wit his swingin johnson all about. I want to be able to say that that this is Waid refurbishing the old Jewish "golem" myth for the Deep South, but we're not given any tangible indication that this story intends to go that heavy. So, essentially, what we're left with is a 1920's remake of The Brother From Another Planet or, as I like to call it, Not Another Magic Negro Story. 

But it's unfair to say that this is all Waid's fault. Artist J.G. Jones is every bit as complicit in this constellation of condescension as his colleague is. I wouldn't be able to accuse Issue #1's of trying too hard to be Eisner bait were it not for the final image of Naked Alien Black Guy's junk bulging through the Confederate flag, presumably symbolizing the white supremacist's implied fear of black phallus or some shit. I dunno. I don't really have any black dick jokes so, that's the best theory I can pry out of my guesses at Jones' logic. Worse yet, there's the rendering of the people of color in the book.

Note how the principal character (light skinned in this case and a couple others) in the panel is rendered in an attempt at photorealism while all the other people of color in the background are drawn in an exaggerated blackface style that makes the mural in the opening credits of Good Times look like the Sistine Chapel.

Now, let me stop here and say that I don't think this necessarily qualifies as intentionally "racist" anymore than white people who want to touch a black woman's hair without asking. However, the intent doesn't always absolve the result or make the action any less offensive. That said, intentions are basically the only thing this book has going for it, but even that has it's limits. We're past the point where a book simply pointing out that racism is wrong and giving us a splash page with a black alien in the nude ain't gonna cut it.

It's not enough for comics to point out that racism happened a long time ago anymore. Even if the endgame of Strange Fruit (fully realizing that it's only the first of four issues) is to craft a old school superhero myth along the lines of Truth: Red, White and Black, race relations and society's understanding of race relations have to evolve past handing out pats on the head for rehashing the basics. I could very well be speaking too soon since there's three more issues to go. For all I know, this book could engage us in twists and turns that question the way we look at the history of systematic racism in America. But I seriously doubt it.

My reviews for this week's issues of Batman and Archie are up and available on Black Nerd Problems for your viewing pleasure. As always, feel free to like, share, comment at your leisure. You know the drill.

A Few Things About Avengers: Age of Ultron

SPOILERS SPOILERS ::Okay, I'm a little too tired this week to write a full on review for Avengers: Age of Ultron, but I will say overall that I really enjoyed the movie as a whole. I thought it was "on par with" but not better than the first one which, in fairness, had a LOT less of a balancing act to pull off on many levels. For the interest of brevity, I'll just do a simple break down of what I liked and what I didn't like. :: SPOILERS SPOILERS

Likes:

More Hawkeye: Granted, we'll NEVER see a Hawkeye/Mockingbird romance thanks to Agents of SHIELD (where Bobbi Morse is a godsend), it was nice to get some more depth to Barton's character while still getting the smartass Avengers mainstay we all know and love. Not everyone liked the visit to Hawkeye's family, but I think it showed depth and agency in a character that we didn't get to know at all in the first movie because of Loki and The Shittiest Mind Control Of All Time. It also goes to show that we're at a point in the genre where people have to learn to let go and consider these movies as much of an alternative as Ultimate Marvel or Marvel Noir or Marvel Mangaverse and that's okay. Many readers like knowing that comic movies are all hitting the right story beats because it's a way for fans to evaluate what they're watching, but changing things in the narrative like Barton's family is also necessary and keeps readers on their toes so they're getting something fresh.

Anyone who didn't feel like a kid again at this
moment is lying to themselves.

Vision: Paul Bettany has always been a good fit as Jarvis, but the Vision is a great fit for him. Honestly, I never even thought a character like him would end up making it to the big screen, but Whedon really pulled it off visually.

Ultron: Anyone whose ever watched The Blacklist knows James Spader was the perfect voice for an evil robot who is, at times, a little too human for his own good. I know not everyone liked the quirkiness, but honestly, I was reading the latest original graphic novel, Rage of Ultron (amazing one shot, by the way) and the titular villain is a much more traditional version that longtime fans are used to. Even though Rick Remender did a masterful job of encompassing that classic voice for Ultron, the first thing I thought was "Thank God for James Spader." The Ultron that a lot of people were expecting, this dry yet self aware technological Frankenstein monster of sorts wouldn't have translated well. First of all, it's a hard sell that Tony Stark would create an artificial intelligence that didn't have any sense of humor. Second of all, yes, it wouldn't be hard to a more cerebral version of Ultron, but that "What am I? Why did you create me?" brand of existentialism just doesn't gel well with...let's face it...a popcorn movie. Just ask I, Robot.

Joss Whedon: You can tell there are certain points in the movie and the script where Whedon has a little more flexibility in making the film he wanted to make (You can also tell that there are points where he couldn't get the studio's foot off of his neck to save his life, but that's a whole other post). It's no secret that with these franchise blockbusters, the car is already built and the director just makes sure the thing doesn't run itself off the freeway into the river. But in this case, Whedon seems to have enough geek cred that Kevin Feige managed to climb out of his ass long enough to let him direct. This movie seemed to have more of his trademark snark and self aware characters. I think the importance of this Whedon's role in this movie is that

Dislikes:

Not enough Vision: He was pretty key to the story and the time we spent with him was worthwhile, but the downside to Whedon's balancing act of giving all the Avengers proper screentime was that we only spent a solid ten minutes with a brand new Avenger who was directly tied to the primary villain.

Widow/Banner Romance: Okay, I realize that, in attempting to humanize relatively static characters, the default way to go is usually to get them laid. But this....was a little weird. Don't get me wrong. Whedon gave them more than enough of that usual Whedon charm so that it wasn't unwatchable, but it was awkward. Bruce Banner is possibly the most self aware of all the Avengers in the same way someone with a terminal illness would be. There's really no need to keep hammering that point home by throwing a pretty lady at him. Making the Black Widow a big softie is the equivalent of making Wolverine a softie who weeps over Jean Grey's body. And don't even get me started on the problematic gender politics of that little Red Room speech where not being able to give birth somehow makes her a monster. I applaud them for trying to give Widow some layers that we're not used to because the mainstay things we as readers love about Widow could be dicey over time with a mainstream audience. But it was just odd.

Is It Time To Start Taking Fan Made Work Seriously?

So, this week, I wrote a review on the fan made project, Nightwing: The Series and I actually ran into some difficulty evaluating it. If you've read this blog before or if you've read Black Nerd Problem, you know reviewing stuff is something I do pretty often. In this case, it was sort of awkward taking a close look at Nightwing because I couldn't exactly take a jab at the project for being fan service. It's fan made, so of course it's going to be fan service. Teasing fans with Oracle's wheelchair, Nightwing's costume looking like it came out of Young Justice, the borrowed Dark Knight belt....all of this is textbook fan service.

I know this is a sin in professional circles, but where the superhero genre of film and television is concerned, you really do have to consider a whole other manner of approaching a review of its quality level. This is what I had trouble with originally and this is what I think other critics who aren't, shall we say, initiated in the comic world have trouble with. The genre itself has reached a point of variety where it's difficult to compare one project to the other. Because, more often than not, their goals are different. Agents of SHIELD is, of course, spun from The Avengers, but they're as different from one another as night and day (which seems like what fans are STILL having trouble understanding). As the production quality improves over time, Marvel gets better all the time at giving its audience the best cinematic representation of a comic book humanly possible, Guardians of the Galaxy being one of the best examples. With that in mind, Marvel films are comic book crossover events and Agents of SHIELD is a tie-in. Rarely in such tie-in comics do you ever see major characters like Captain America showing up to beat up Deathlok or Iron Man flying by to save Phil Coulson everytime he gets into something he can't get out of on his own. The purpose of The Avengers is to be the cinematic version of a superhero team-up (something I don't think had even been done before). The purpose of Agents of SHIELD is to keep Marvel on your mind and continue selling you their brand in between movies even if it's on a dog and pony level. Arrow has less of these restraints because it doesn't ever tie itself directly to any other property, but you see what I mean here, right? Nightwing's purpose, much like several projects like it (no matter how shitty they are), thus far seems to specifically be to give fans a piece of the DC Universe that live action movies and television seem to have made a point to steer around.

The other thing about Nightwing that makes it noteworthy is that its Kickstarter roots make it a good example of a trend fans should start looking at. I often hear people talking about how there's no good options in hip hop anymore. Usually, these people are waxing poetic about an easier time while listening to the radio. My suggestion to them is usually to find non-mainstream alternatives. I haven't given the radio a serious listen in almost ten years. I get along just fine. Truth be told, the same could be said for the superhero genre. Fans await their favorite hero's time in the spotlight in a feature length blockbuster film. I've written quite a bit recent about how it shouldn't be hard for Marvel to churn out a decent Black Panther film and I stand by that statement, but in The Era of Kickstarter, viable independent superhero films should really be explored.  I mean, how awesome would it be to see one of Christopher Bird's "Why I Should Write Doctor Strange" treatments brought to life with Kickstarter money? Besides, at the end of the day, a LOT of the things fans complain that their favorite superhero movies are lacking are basically things that would be considered fan service. And what venue for fan service could possibly be better than fan made shorts?

It's happened with Star Wars and Star Trek....both of which had perfectly satisfying results. Gaming culture has already tapped into this in the absence of watchable mainstream video game movies and given rise to projects like Mortal Kombat: Rebirth and Street Fighter: Assassin's Fist. At this point, there's really no reason aside from "It's Not Canon" (and even then, there's plenty of comics referred to as "source material" that aren't canon that are still considered gospel) that we couldn't start seeing more projects like Nightwing from fans.

Of course, I suppose there is always the possibility that if this did become a lucrative enough industry in itself, the Big Two (namely Marvel since they're working on exclusive Netflix content and you could imagine they're big enough at this point to just crush opposing clicks in the courtroom instead of competing if they so wanted) might intervene and step on fandom's neck by Falcon Punching independent creators with copyright infringement suits like the record industry did, but to do so would come across as a direct affront to fandom that might just move a number of readers to hit them in pockets. Marvel and DC do their share of stupid shit, but I don't see them giving fans the finger outright like that. Then again, I could be wrong.

Because You Wanted Me To Talk About Guardians of the Galaxy......

I'm going to try not doing a fleshed out review like usual for Guardians of the Galaxy since EVERYONE has kicked out a review at this point. In fact, Chace Morris and Whitney Walker collaborated to do a fantastic review for Black Nerd Problems that's absolutely worth your time.

I will say that it was a shockingly enjoyable film that is probably the best representation of where Marvel's at in terms of the superhero genre of film. I mean, they're getting REALLY good at this. I hate to make this a "Versus DC" thing again because it seems like I've been doing that a lot lately (though you almost HAVE to, seeing as they're the only two in the field and we're not likely to get that Spawn reboot Todd McFarlane promises almost annually), but in terms of quality and output, they're doing laps around anything DC is doing right now. Sure, you could make the argument that The Dark Knight trilogy is where the bar is because Those Are Incredible Goddamned Movies, but it's also drastically different from virtually anything Marvel puts out (often times, its most effective moments....and there are many....are more crime drama than superheroics), it's comparing apples and oranges.

The Dark Knight series was an experiment in what most superhero films had been up until a certain point: Taking comics and distorting them to create a visual experience unique to cinema in a way that wouldn't necessarily do as well translating back to comic format. In other words, Nolan did well in taking elements of Batman: Year One and Knightfall and putting them more in line with the aesthetic he's known for, but those movies (most notably Dark Knight Rises) wouldn't be as effective for fans as a comic. Guardians of the Galaxy was one of the closest I've ever seen a movie being a 1:1 translation of comic book sensibilities to the screen, aside from maybe Sin City and Watchmen (which was, perhaps, a little too enslaved to the source material).

The movie tailored itself to what its principal cast does well. Drax is pretty much the role Dave Bautista has been TRYING to play since he started acting so this worked out very well for him. I am convinced that Josh Brolin could have been on screen with no make up or costuming and still been an effective Thanos. Right now, nobody else in Hollywood does the "sorta squinting death stare" as well as he does. Who would have thought Vin Diesel would be given three words to say in different inflections for an entire movie.....and end up with maybe the most poignant role of his entire career? And Bradley Cooper's Rocket Raccoon was so good, I almost had to remind myself that was Bradley Cooper's voice. There were so many naysayers before there was even a trailer (I'm looking at you, Cracked), making fun about a movie with a talking raccoon as if Man of Steel didn't make Superman's dad basically the best Siri update ever. All those shadebenders almost HAVE to shut up now.

As a whole, Guardians, as well as Captain America: The Winter Soldier, have shown exactly why Marvel's rather rabid fanbase remains reasonably loyal to what is basically the monolith of superhero movies at this point. I stand by my statement that Batman v Superman won't be a terrible venture like everyone thinks, but as far as competition (and let's face it....the Big Two ARE directly competing), DC has a lot of ground to cover.

Oh and Chris Pratt's slightly more irreverent portrayal of Peter Quill confirmed what I've known for some time now: Han Solo has become a genre of film.

Well, The Amazing Spider Man 2....Umm...Happened.

The fanboys are going to have to start learning to live with one inescapable fact: Spider-Man belongs to Sony and the suits would rather lob off their own pinkies in a fit of cocaine induced rage before ever giving him back to Marvel. It will not happen. So, the dreams of a Spider-Man/Avengers cinematic team are just that: a pipe dream that will come to fruition around the same time the Dallas Cowboys win another Super Bowl (that's code for "Never").

I say all that to say that Marc Webb's follow up to 2012's "The Amazing Spider-Man" is probably the most that comic culture can ask for out of Sony's crack team of writers and producers which, judging by the amount of characters and conflicts crammed into 2.5 hours, must be legion. Civilian (non-nerd) moviegoers will almost certainly adore this visually arresting romp. Comic loyalists will be ridiculously divided. I remember sitting in the theater, seeing an unforgivably goofy moment in which Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield) saves three different people out of a frenzied stampede of hundreds from certain electrocution using his only functioning web-shooter and I could practically hear the true geeks groaning in unison. However, if they get past their perennial inability to share with mainstream audiences, this actually ends up being a somewhat decent addition to the webslinger's adventures.

The movie opens up with us seeing Peter Parker fully embracing his whimsical personal as Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, loved by the city (most of it, anyway) and loathed by crooks. Meanwhile, in his civilian life, he remains tormented by Captain George Stacy (Denis Leary) who, with his dying breath in the first film, made Pete promise to keep his daughter, Gwen (Emma Stone) out of his death defying adventures. This probably fucks with him so mainly because of their resolve to ignore the Captain's orders. This is easily the most compelling narrative of the film since it involves two of the best performances. Stone's Gwen is brainy and confident which makes her an adequate leading lady for Garfield, the eight cylinder engine powering this movie, who really gets to show off as the fully realized Wallcrawler we didn't get nearly enough of in the previous film, a witty Spidey that wisecracks through pummeling bad guys to hide his inner turmoil, stumbling through the consequences being Spider-Man has on his personal life.

Shoehorned into the narrative was Peter's continuing search for answers concerning the disappearance of his parents (Campbell Scott, Embeth Davidtz) when he was a little boy. This felt like a rush job that led to a). a heartwarming scene between Peter and his struggling Aunt May (Sally Field) and b). a "sins of their fathers" plotline to link him to his long lost childhood friend Harry Osborn (a creepy, slightly emo Dane DeHaan), whose ailing father, Norman (Chris Cooper), owns Oscorp, the mega-conglomerate that Peter's father worked at. The movie makes no bones about painting Oscorp as NOTHING but the sum total of every "evil empire" ever imagined from which nothing good is derived.

They don't even have appropriate health insurance, evident by Max Dillon (Jamie Foxx), a dorky Spidey-obsessed employee who has an unfortunate spill into a vat of electric eels (I shit you not) and becomes the villainous Electro. Foxx did what he could with what the writers gave him, but he has so much natural charisma, he wears the nerd facade about as well as the Roach from Men in Black wore human skin.

Oh, and there's Paul Giamatti as the Rhino, who feels about as "Aww shucks" and comically throw-away as Cillian Murphy's Scarecrow from the Dark Knight films. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we see him in later films getting beaten up for about ten minutes before Garfield goes on to face whoever his main threat ends up being.

Spidey has his work cut out for him as did Webb, who tried his absolute damnedest to tie all these conflicts together in a neat bow. He doesn't necessarily fail, but the script's Frankenstein-like stitches are definitely apparent. Although, in fairness, it's clearer in this movie than it was in the previous one that the faults aren't necessarily his fault. It's obvious that this car was already fresh off the assembly line and that he was just the driver. Although this movie is at its strongest when it's highlighting the internal conflicts of its major players, the battles still pack plenty of punch with enough "holyshitareyoufuckingkiddingme" moments that really show off why our hero is utterly BELOVED by the citizens of New York (to the dismay of some comic loyalists).

Bottom Line: Is it perfect? NO. Is it better than the first one? Possibly. Will EVERYONE be happy? Hell No. Will it entertain the majority? Most likely. In that regard, it was pretty okay. A mixed bag...but there's nothing wrong with that. 7.5 out of 10

.....That Time When People Gave A Fuck About Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Again

So, this week, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. became relevant with the fanboys again. This is monumental because this is something that hasn't happened since the first episode....which was 16 episodes ago (once everyone realized Joss Whedon was only directing the first episode). Part of the newfound buzz is mainly thanks to it marginal tie-in to Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I wouldn't have guess that movie would be such a resounding success all across the board, it's curative powers would trickle down a show that has spend the better part of it's opening season like a Dawson's Creek character trying to find itself.

This show was always something of an experiment from the start. It's meant to be 50% a stand-alone series and 50% a supplemental Hype Machine powered by the latest addition to the Marvel Cineverse (Winter Soldier, Thor: The Dark World, Phil Coulson). The problem is that the second wave of Avengers related films, despite their success in the box office, were met with questionable results among the eight cylinder engine of fanboys that are a necessary Hype Machine all their own. Thor: The Dark World was immensely fun and entertaining, but after all that destruction of Nondescript Alien/God Stuff, it had a fiercely unmemorable villain (which is tragic considering how awesome Comic Malekith is) which just leaves the remnants of Nondescript Alien/God Stuff which isn't the most interesting springboard to branch off into varying plotlines with.

Even if you go with Phase One...is Phil Coulson an entertaining character? Sure. Were we sad to see him die in Avengers? Of course. Was the Fanboy Hype Machine united in happiness when Marvel announced he'd be one of the principal characters (or, let's be honest, THE character) in a primetime Marvel series about spies doing spy shit in a superhero universe. Hell Yes. But this is treading a different ground than most. In defense of Marvel's writing team, when someone dies in television, you usually want to give some sort of explanation as to why for fear of the plothole whores. On the other hand, this is Comic Book Land where the reasons for resurrections are insanely vague purely out of necessity because, ultimately, we don't particularly care why a character we like is back (even though, really, they're back because we like them). I mean, let's face it. Does ANYBODY remember exactly how Bruce Wayne came back from the dead (or whatever happened to him that time)? Take your time. IlI'll wait. How much sleep did you really lose trying to figure out why Captain America came back to life after being shot dead on the courthouse steps a la Nino Brown? With that said, it probably wasn't necessary to drag out the hanging "How is Phil Coulson still alive?" plotline if the explanation is just going to be "dead alien DNA" or whatever the fuck that is in the basement.

However, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, a movie that is, quite honestly, Marvel's most fully formed superhero movie yet (for reasons I won't retread) taps directly into the things we expected out of this show pretty much from the start. It had espionage, double/triple crosses, political intrigue, fighting, standoffs, people gunned down in cold blood, etc. You finally got the feeling that Phil Coulson's A-Squad was playing for actual stakes.  The writers weren't afraid to actually put their characters lives in real jeopardy. This is essentially what a well done crossover tie-in comic looks like when cut/pasted onto primetime television. Honestly, this is the sort of place Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. should stay in. And hopefully, it's a lesson to Marvel that if you're going to put out product based on major releases, make sure your major release is Grade A+. Hopefully, since they've been clearly making up the second half of the season on the fly anyway, they'll take this and run with it.

Or maybe they won't. Because, you know....Hollywood and shit.

.....About the Ninja Turtles Trailer

Friend: Have you watched the new Ninja Turtles trailer?

Me: Nope.

Friend: You wanna see it?

Me: The trailer? Not particularly.

Friend: Oh....

Me: You want me to watch it right now, don't you?

Friend: What makes you say that?

Me: You JUST sent the link to my inbox, man.

Friend: Well, I'm just curious about your take on it.

Me: You mean "I'm the only person you know who's nerdy enough to talk to you about this shit."

Friend: Pretty much.

Me: I need new friends. **clicks link**




Friend: It's sort of destructive for a Ninja Turtles movie.

Me: Right. Because any self respecting Ninja Turtles movie should always maintain a baseline destruction level of just crashing a Vanilla Ice concert.

Friend: Do you think they'll try that again? What would be the relevant equivalent of a Vanilla Ice concert?

Me: Probably a Justin Bieber concert. I sort of hope that happens in the movie.

Friend: I never had you pegged as a victim of Bieber Fever.

Me: I'm not. I just think if he shows up in this movie, it might speed up the countdown clock until he jumps the shark.

Friend: Good point.

Me: Wait...is that William Fichtner?

Friend: As the Shredder. Michael Bay wasted no time whitewashing this shit, did he?

Me: Well, let's see...an evil Japanese ninja overlord dressed in ginsu knives trying to destroy New York City? Oh, I'm sure the Asian community would just love that shit.

Friend: But then it's a white guy dressing up like someone we KNOW is an evil Japanese overlord trying to destroy New York City.

Me: Right, but it's William Fichtner, so he'll probably kill it regardless. And we don't exactly know how all that's been retconned since....and I can't stress this enough....this is a trailer and NOT THE MOVIE. I feel I have to remind you this trailer isn't the actual movie because the nerd rage about this trailer is in overflow as if this trailer were the movie. It's not the movie. I've now reminded you three times.

Friend: It's scenes from the movie we're going to see. We're seeing this, by the way.

Me: That door swings both ways. Remember the trailer for Jumper? That looked awesome. The end result was that movie being extremely non-awesome.

Friend: That doesn't count. Hayden Christensen was in it, so it was destined to fail.

Me: This movie has Megan Fox in it. Doesn't that make it sort of starcrossed?

Friend: Point taken.

Me: Thank you. I want expedited shipping for my trophy, please.

Friend: Those turtles sure seem REALLY superhuman.

Me: First off, they weren't human to begin with.

Friend: So, you're saying Michelangelo didn't start out as Corey Feldman?

Me: Well, as far as I know, the Turtles weren't mutated by cocaine so I'm going to say no. Second of all, they're MUTANT Ninja Turtles, so the rules of nature don't apply hardcore to them anymore than they do to Spider-Man.

Friend: I'm not so sure about the design of their faces. They're funny looking.

Me: Remind me how the old Turtles all looked like Ryan Gosling.

Friend: Well....

Me: That's sarcasm, by the way. They didn't. It's a little silly to complain that MUTANT anything is supposed to be pretty.

Friend: Sure, but do they have to look like Shrek?

Me: You're asking a lot from a movie with Megan Fox in it about Mutant turtles who are all basically Daredevil.

Friend: Well, what kind of nerds would we be if we didn't ask a lot from decent properties with ridiculous premises?

Me: Logical ones.

Friend: Okay...but who the fuck wants that?

Me: You have a point there.

Friend: Do I?

Me: No, not really.

The Mercenary Sea #1

I have always thought it was sort of a necessary but unfair task (though I'm always happy to do it) to review the first issue of a comic. I mean, think about it. Depending on the sort of series you're reading, you're not necessarily getting a fully fleshed out story because you're not necessarily supposed to. That makes it sort of hard at times to give readers a good idea of whether or not it's worth them checking it out. And let's face it...comics aren't getting any cheaper, so if I can save some poor soul three bucks, then goddamnit, that's what I'm going to do. I said all that to say that the following title made my job pretty easy this week.

I've often lamented over the fact that we're not far away (if we're not there already) from a generation that will never know the adventurous camp of such fun action romps as Indiana Jones and The Phantom. Fortunately, Kel Symons and Mathew Reynolds are at bat, taking a swing at carrying the torch with their Image Comics release, The Mercenary Sea. The story follows the semi-seedy exploits of smuggler/bootlegger Jack Harper who, thus far, comes across as a hero who could give such notorious rogues as Malcolm Reynolds and Han Solo a run for their money. Harper and his crew, all of which are outlaws in their own respective fields of expertise, manage to make a living aboard the Venture while in search of a fabled island, Koji Ra.

Kel Symons hits the ground running, not wasting too much time introducing readers to our heroes in intimate moments of exposition. We see early on that Captain Harper has his work cut out for him with the Chinese military, human traffickers and mysterious benefactors all breathing down his neck. However, even without in-depth descriptions, Symons does a wonderful job of conveying the type of crew we'll be following: somewhat decent people who, through varying circumstances, find themselves waist deep in indecent waters. His main focus, though, seems to be establishing the swashbuckler, grand adventure tone that is severely lacking in modern day storytelling. This story comes across as the screenplay to a movie out of a long forgotten era when special effects additions to good films without being the stars of the show.

The MVP award for this book, however, goes to Mathew Reynolds. His dynamic artwork is definitely the fuel that puts this book over the hump as a hit. His stylized figures, reminiscent of Archer, make this a visually arresting experience for long time comic readers and first timers (which, let's face it, is where the market in general is focused lately) alike. Action beats come across clear and crisp, never losing the reader which is always a possibility with the color palette Reynolds works with in this issue. It doesn't take a palm reader to see a couple of award nominations in his future.

Bottom Line: This book certainly makes a great non-superhero case for why comics are as relevant and engaging as ever. If you hold this book to your ear, you can pretty much hear the Johnny Quest theme song playing. 8.5 out of 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 33 or I'd Rather Be Trapped Underwater With Evil Mermaids Than Kris Jenner

Harley Quinn #0: Harley Quinn has enjoyed a reasonable amount of time in the spotlight since the "New 52" reboot even if the titles she's featured in have had somewhat mixed reviews. It was only a matter of time before DC took a crack at a solo title. This was a tough book to review because, honestly, at first read, you're not entirely sure what kind of book it's supposed to be. Commonly a zero issue for any book serves as either a prequel for the first story arc or one shot primer to give you a taste of what to expect from a series as far as tone and art. Jimmy Palmotti and Amanda Conner take a slightly different tact.

By "slightly different tact", I mean, they seemed to make the Clown Princess of Crime....into Deadpool. For the most part Harley spends most of her time breaking the fourth wall interacting with the writers in a daydream about what it would be like to have her own comic book. She travels from one page to the next auditioning a Who's Who of artists to see whose style would best suit her. I found a few of the jokes funny but mainly because I'm familiar with most of the artists. The overabundance of inside jokes doesn't make this terribly accessible for incoming readers and the uninitiated. Despite this, it still makes for a mainly entertaining farce.

The artwork, given that it's a pretty star studded cast working on each page is pretty "alphabet soup" but mostly awesome. My particular favorites are Dan Panosian and Charlie Adlard. I was really looking forward to Jim Lee's page but that ended up being a bit of a bubble burst since he just rehashed a page from Hush. Also included is a page from fan contest winner Jeremy Roberts. Although "Draw Harley Quinn killing herself" contest was easily one of DC's dumbest ideas all year, Roberts can draw his ass off. I'd be very excited to see him on this book on a regular basis. Still, Chad Hardin, who illustrates the final page, does a pretty good job of capturing Harley's brand of crazy and I'll be looking forward to seeing what he has to offer.

Bottom Line: Not much plot but it's still fun and well rendered enough that it's a fun little primer for the series. 7.5 out of 10.



The Wake #5: Well, we've reached the halfway mark of what could quite possibly be the "holy shit" survival horror series of the year and it has been quite a story thus far. Quiet as kept, this has been one of the most consistently entertaining and good looking books in the business right now. Scott Snyder's taut tale of Dr. Lee Archer's crew and their fight to survive evil mermaid creatures at the bottom of the ocean has been an utterly compelling thrill ride that EVERYONE should be reading. Having said that, with this issue, Snyder wants you to know that the story begins now. Did you hear what I just said? A claustrophobic, horrifying tale about evil mermaids in the darkest parts of the sea....and Snyder is just getting started?

This issue deals largely with the revelation of what these monsters are, what they want and Dr. Archer's connection to them. The action beats are really well thought out and make for pretty good adventuring, but Snyder is at his best, as usual, during the claustrophobic moments when you feel trapped in dark corners with these poor bastards down below. It's almost as scary as being Kris and Bruce Jenner being trapped with each other's ever changing faces, not knowing what they're going to wake up to the next morning. Almost. Of course, Snyder can't take all the credit for the creepiest part of this book. There's also Sean Murphy's pencils, which capture some utterly maudlin moments like one character alone in the darkness with nothing but the light from a video screen.

Bottom Line: If you're not reading this book already, start. Start now. Immediately. Stop reading this blog, turn off the television, get dressed, tell your girlfriend you'll be right back and go get the past five issues of The Wake. Do it. Do it now. It's your homework assignment. It's your one job right now. Seriously. 9.5 out of 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 32 or I Wonder If Alfred Got in On Obamacare....

Why do they look like contestants on
that old arcade game Smash TV?

All New X-Men #18: One of the prevailing subplots of Avengers Vs. X-Men was that the Avengers hadn't been around much while the mutant community was going through pretty dire straits facing extinction. Cyclops told Captain America that he always felt the X-Men were treated as the Avengers' redheaded stepchildren. It sort of seems like this is how Marvel treats them as well. I mean, let's face it....the X-Universe hasn't had a good crossover event since A vs. X and even that was touch and go for a minute there. Marvel doesn't know how to create constructive conflict between heroes without making one party into the one dimensional douchebag villain like the Tony Stark in Civil War. Hell, do what Toronto Mayor Rob Ford does and blame the media and the police. It would shake things up, at least. Battle of the Atom was decent but also underwhelming and anti-climatic in its own way, basically summing up what we already knew: There will always be humans who make life suck for mutants and it's going to make some mutants into bitter old mutants one day.

Fortunately, it gave us some decent fallout consequences. Brian Michael Bendis picks up the pieces left behind from all of the event's time travel shenanigans in the latest installment of All New X-Men. The issue deals mainly with Kitty Pryde and the "Original" team's transition in going to live at the New Xavier School with Cyclops and the Asshole Squad. Bendis does very well handling "in between" issues like this where some characters are put in a room with someone they wouldn't normally interact with under normal circumstances. Kitty and Magik's reunion is hilarious and somewhat touching if you know the history both characters share. Young Jean Grey's scene with the Stepford Cuckoos is priceless. Bendis has made the Once and Future Phoenix an interesting character again which is a feat I didn't think would ever be possible. Most writers had a tendency to deal with Jean in a very "time bomb" fashion which is cool but predictable. You know it's coming so it loses its "Holy Shit" factor. Bendis takes time to deal with her aggravation as a person and how that can spill over into her life as a blossoming mutant hero who keeps being told that she's headed for great and terrifying things.

Stuart Immonen's artwork is a welcome mainstay to the book's status quo. His love for expressing shift in tone through simple changes in shading is in rare form during a couple of pages of an exchange between Magneto and Young Beast. I also personally like how he draws Cyclops as opposed to the artsy version we've been getting in Uncanny X-Men where he looks less heroic and more like a slim Seth Rogen.

Bottom Line: A good book following up another lackluster X-event. 8 out of 10



Batman #25: It's hard to deny Scott Snyder has been winning with Zero Year, a "New 52" look at the beginning of the Caped Crusader. We're seeing a swashbuckler side of Batman we don't get to see very often that almost literally laughs in the face of danger, tells villain's they're and flies by the seat of his pants at moments. I would never have expected to hear Batman tell a bad guy he's "so full of shit." This issue mainly takes place during the aftermath of a massive blackout compliments of the Riddler.

However this installment in particular doesn't deal much with Edward Nygma. The central villain this time out is the (let me emphasize this) FUCKING CREEPY Dr. Death, whose horror themed killing spree is every bit as unsettling as his...well...face. Seriously, these are a couple of the eeriest looking crime scenes I've seen in a Batman book in some time. Snyder handles the detective stuff well without getting bogged down in it and also keeping the more action oriented readers engaged. After all.... Sherlock Holmes + swashbuckling = Batman. This series has been really good for tender moments between Bruce and Alfred. While Batman is having the time of his life trying out new gadgets and dodging the cops with ease, you can visibly see instances when Alfred is thinking "Goddamnit, what did I sign up for?"

The hues implemented in the artwork are simply amazing. It's nice to see a Batman book that can maintain a dark vibe while still not being afraid of splashing some color in here and there. Greg Capullo has a flair for the macabre and loves making his reader a little uncomfortable as is evident in Dr. Death's full reveal at the end. Also, his Batmobile design brings a wonderfully old school adventure feel to the beginning of the issue that made me laugh of sort delightful laugh that makes people think something might really be wrong with you in public.

Bottom Line: Scott Snyder can't lose. He's got Batman down almost to a science. 9 out of 10.

Stuff I Read This Week Episode 12 or You Don't Have Superpowers Because You Wouldn't Do Anything Constructive With Them....

A Note From the Writer: I am more than grateful that my little dog and pony review garnered the attention of such a writer as David Mack. However, I am thankful, first and foremost, to you all for continuing to read it. It was really just a side project (at first) that decided, through force of will, to stick around. To thank you all, I wanted to do deviate from the usual schedule for Free Comic Book Day. Doug E. Fresh would call this "crowd participation."

Basically, send me comments, requests, questions on all things comic nerd and I'll talk about them. You can ask them here in the comment area, inbox them, email me or....you know....whatever. I'll try to keep this as fun as possible. Thanks in advance. :-)

Email: letsgetfree13@gmail.comTwitter: @letsgetfree13



And Now.....To The Reviews!!!

Uncanny X-Men #5: I'm just going to start off with the simple truth of what I've gotten from the past two issues. This book is getting weird. Since the events of "Avengers vs. X-Men", Magik has become the wild card of Cyclops' outlaw revolution squad. We haven't seen the full extent of what's she capable of since the Phoenix screwed with her abilities, but it's been suggested for a while that she's the Uncanny team's Thor. Here is where we see her dealing with the ramifications of her unpredictable abilities in a fashion not too unlike how the Scarlet Witch went wrong (or, depending on your point of view, how she was never right to begin with). Brian Bendis, while not making too much of a detour from the ongoing plot, is making a bit of a rest stop to flesh Illyana Rasputin out since she hasn't gotten much focus aside from the occasional "I might be batshit crazy" one liner. We are reintroduced to an old unexpected villain which seems like a "make-up appearance" after a semi lackluster third act battle during Bendis' run on New Avengers. Here, he is given the "holy shit" factor that a baddie of his caliber deserves. One of the high points for this book was the S.H.I.E.L.D. meeting in which Maria Hill groans in the wake of the the X-Men "dropping the mic on the Avengers like it's 8 Mile." I have to appreciate Bendis' ability to make the Avengers either look like jackbooted thugs or spoiled punks who tuck their collective tails between their legs and "don't feel like talking about it" when they get owned. It's good to be able to handle characters realistically while still letting the reader know who's boss in their book.

Frazier Irving's art come across as a sudden, slightly out of place change for this book. The switch itself is already a bit distracting, but his style feels a little messy and too all over the place for my tastes. I also take issue with nobody being able to decide on a baseline set of characteristics for Cyclops' face with the mask off.

Bottom Line: This book suffers no illusions in the fact that it's semi filler. But it's good filler. 7.5 out of 10

Jupiter's Legacy #1: I was going out of my way to not pick up a mainstream superhero title when I bought this and winced when I figured out it was one. But I shouldn't have. Mark Millar has an interesting penchant for being able to introduce superhero archetypes into a world closer to the one we live in. It's a theme he seems to have gotten progressively great at as times goes on and this title, thus far, is the proof. 

Whereas Spider Man will break off a date to go fight crime with little remorse, many of the superpowered people in this world are more likely to wait until their iTunes download of Scandal finishes before running off to beat up on the alien would-be conqueror. And let's face it. That's about right. How many times have you asked someone to do something first thing in the morning and received "Not until I've had my coffee" as a reply? That's just taking out the trash or putting WD-40 on the door hinge. I shudder to think how fucked we'd be if a planet sized meteor were hurtling towards Earth.

This book centers around a generation of Golden Age heroes with a stiff moral code that seems to be getting left in the dust. The setup seems to be leaning towards questioning whether or not the current generation will be up to the responsibility of fighting for good. So far, Millar's answer seems to be a "No" so big, The Rock couldn't lift it. To his credit, doesn't just judge the Twitter era from the cheap seats like an old codger shaking his fist from his porch. He goes behind enemy lines and asks, "Can you blame them? You guys had Hitler to deal with. They have Justin Bieber." Frank Quitely's artwork is, as usual, a godsend to compliment Millar's story appropriately, stirring realism and a powerful sense of the unbelievable into an alphabet soup that's hard to ignore. Though it seems to make you wish for a slightly stronger action beats, it seems to do everything right as far as inaugural issues go.

Bottom Line: Mark Millar is definitely at the top of his game while making you wish you had superpowers and hope your roommate never does all at the same time. 9 out of 10.


East of West #2: Jonathan Hickman is certainly swinging for the fences with this one. He brings a fresh, unapologetic voice to the pantheon of dystopian future visions with his unconventional saga of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. War, Famine and Conquest are still on a bloody tear through this brave new world, jumpstarting the end of civilization as we know it. Meanwhile, Death, their fourth, goes on a similarly bloodlustful revenge run. This is the kind of sci-fi/fantasy work Hickman was born to do and the kind of quirky, badass characters he was born to write. The body count's still pretty high, but the story seems to be getting slightly more coherent as pieces of the endgame peek out from under the cracks of maiming, mauling and lush environments that keep your eyes bulging out from their sockets thanks to Nick Dragotta's masterful artwork and shrewd coloring. The first issue was ambitious and slightly experimental, but the sophomore effort is coming across more of a uniformed venture.

Bottom Line: All there was to appreciate last time has been magnified more as the plot begins to come together. 8.5 out of 10.