I'm One Step Closer to Being A Supervillain

So, I've decided to move The Blog to Wordpress sometime soon because Blogger and I don't always get along (sometimes, I tell it to do things and it has a nasty habit of not doing what I tell it). The only trouble is that if I'm going to have a new start, The Blog needs a new name. After all, it's bad luck to captain a new boat without a name. I mean, that was the whole moral of Forrest Gump, right? That's what I took from it. Well, that and maybe "True unconditional love is when you love someone despite the 70s."

Have I ever told you people how hard it is to name things? I mean, honestly, I didn't realize how hard it is to figure out what to call something when you're actually TRYING to name it. The first time I saw Avatar: The Last Airbender, I immediately knew...."Hey, that's Kung Fu Jesus." When I watched James Cameron's Avatar...you know, the Great Epic Space Opera About Tree Gods And Cat People That We've Never Seen Before Except When It Was A Disney Movie Called Pocahontas....I immediately knew to call it Pocahontas In Space. I'm just trying to come a name...Just A Fucking Name....and I got nothing. It's a little aggravating.

On my better days when I'm not doing the day job, this blog or writing for Black Nerd Problems, I moonlight as a blog consultant and I have this friend, a fellow blogger who is, more or less, MY unofficial consultant (by that, I mean there's all kinds of crazy shit on the internet and she's usually there to tell me when the crazy shit I discover has been there for years). I was talking out the whole "It's a little weird that I can't name something" thing the other day and.....

Me: I need to step up The Blog content. It's looking more and more like that's going to be the new name because I can't come up with a better one.

Friend: Well, that's cool.

Me: Amazingly enough, it's not taken as far as I can tell.

Friend: Wait....really?

Me: I shit you not. I typed in theblog.com and came up with nothing.

Friend: You typed it in...where?

Me: The first thing I do with random domain names I joke about is open up a new browser tab and type "whatever".com.

Friend: Nah, Oz, you need to go to a registrar. Go to GoDaddy. Aren't you a blog consultant?

Me: Hey, that doesn't have anything to do with this. I'm a blog consultant. Not a name consultant.

Friend: **sigh**

Me: Well, I'll be damned. It IS taken. Now, I want to find out who owns this name and troll the shit out of them.

Friend: For that, you go to whois.com.

Me: Oh, you REALLY shouldn't have shown me this.

Friend: Ha! Sorry.

Me: Are you?

Friend: No, I'm not.

Me: This is the sort of shit Morgan Freeman quit his job over in Dark Knight. #NoOneManShouldHaveAllThisPower

Friend: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Graduation Speech at the Xavier School for the Gifted.....

Congratulations, Class of 2013. Your being here this morning marks a momentous occasion. You have all not only learned a unique mastery over your gifts, but you've also demonstrated a willingness to harness those gifts in the interest of bettering society once you venture out into the world instead of being a complete tool like SOMEONE who will not be named...**cough** Erik **cough**. Anyway, your walk across this stage means that I have nothing left to teach you.

It also means you didn't die. Because, whew....could THAT have ever happened? I mean, giant robot death machines? I was trying not to freak anybody out but HOOOOOLLLLLYYYY SHIT we almost died fighting those things! And the Legacy Virus? Fuck, man.....talk about "not enough Thera-Flu in the world," huh?

Little joke there....really?...nothing? Okay, okay, too soon.

Moving on. We here at the Xavier Institute are 100% confident that we have thoroughly prepared you for the challenges you'll face out there in the real world. And make no mistakes, my fellow mutants, there WILL certainly be challenges. Like bigots who will hate you before ever actually meeting you because of your differences. And the future. Seriously, guys, the future will try to kill you. A lot. All the time. But persevere, hold your head high in the face of adversity and don't EVER give the future your credit card number. Trust me on that one. Oh my God, if I ever get my hands on that little...ahem...sorry. Got a little carried away there.

In closing, the Institute is honored to have been a part of your education and, ultimately, your lives. The bonds you've built, the fears you've conquered, the lessons you've learned....carry them with you always. Hold them close to your heart. Time flies quickly and you'll miss these days when they're gone. And remember: Humans good. We like humans. No vaporizing. Maybe a little mind wipe here and there, but no vaporizing. Please don't turn into a mutant overlord despot. Please. I can't stress that enough. I can't deal with more interviews with Fox News like last time. Honestly, that Sean Hannity guy. I don't see how he sleeps at night. Bottom line: No evil mutant shit.

My friends, my students, my fellow children of the atom....it is my honor, my privilege, my pleasure to welcome you to the first day of the rest of your lives. Also, the beginning of paying off your student loans. Because the government doesn't pay for this shit. Bear in mind, rocketships under the basketball court don't grow on trees.

Now, who wants a diploma!!!