My facebook reviews and blogs sometimes incite people who feel very strongly about the films I assess. Apparently, a single dissenting opinion can cause your brain to melt because everyone knows the only way to like a movie is if everyone else agrees with you. Anyway, after Ive offered reasoning as to why a particular film sucks, someone usually asks "Well, since you know so much, what would you do to make it better?" Well, say no more.....
GI Joe: Everytime a character starts have a whiny flashback or do something uncharacteristically sensitive, Sgt. Slaughter should show up to beat them in the face with an automatic rifle.
Avatar: James Cameron should just drop the pretenses and recut the whole film, overlapping the script and soundtrack from Pocahontas.
Jonah Hex: Give Megan Fox a disfigurement to match the disquiet in her soul.
The Last Airbender: Get rid of the Slumdog Millionaire kid and replace him with Justin Bieber. Nothing would appease the populace better than watching that little cockroach getting beaten over the head by a bald kid with a stick.
The Expendables: 1). Cast Nicholas Cage as the lead because if there's anyone that can play a menopausal action junkie who doesn't know when to give the f**k up, it's Mr. Season of the Witch. Either that or.... 2). Reshoot the whole movie except using the cast of The Golden Girls. It would have the same effect.
